Tuesday, November 28, 2006

MOTHER F*CKER!

I. have. to. much. shit. to. do.

ahhhhh!

I have to write a paper for history class which I forgot about and is due thursday. Of course its about a topic I know nothing about, the rise and fall of the roman empire. Yeah this is going to be great.

I have to make a 3D model of an art gallery and make my book for Typography.

I then have GRAPHIC DESIGN REMINTENCE REVIEW ON DEC. 14TH AND 10:30 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AM I EXCITED? NO! ugh!

I am nervous. I don't know about all of this crap. No other major has to see if you qualify. I have the grades now its just a matter if they like me??? That seems rediculous. Who cares if they like me that personal and my future shouldnt be held in the hands of someones personal oppinions of me.

F*UCK!

--------------------------

I am really hungry. need foood.

I guess I just need to do it. This weekend is packed full of stuff. I work on friday and then am going out with the boy. Saturday I am working 9am to 8 pm because i am crazy. Then Saturday night i am going to the CLUB with lindz and am really excited about it. I then have my work xmas party sunday and the bowling alley till 330 then have to go to NKU to work with group members on 3D art piece.

sigh.....

Friday, November 24, 2006

Busy Busy Busy

I have been overwhelmed with work and school and the boy that I haven't posted in forever. School is winding down but I have so much to do. This weekend I hope to do the following for school:

1. Redo Computer Graphic project
2. Fix Graphic and Type projects
3. Work on Type Book
4. Go to Hobby Lobby for miniture furniture for model

I have stuff to do for work too:

1. Finish the logo for our t-shirts *sigh*
2. Get my evaluation and hopefully my raise.
3. Decorate for Christmas

Then I have random stuff to do as well:

1. Work on SOR Logo
2. Work on Bike Jersey
3. Laundry
4. Clean out my car
5. GO SHOPPING!

Overall everything is going well. Just really stressed out about the Graphic Design Remintence Review in like 3 weeks! UGH! I am nervous.... just nervous... bluck!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

stressed and tired

I am overly stressed out. I have so much stuff to do. My Graphic Design Remitance review is coming up and I have to get all of my stuff ready. I have to fix everything and make it look better and then print it all out and then mat it.

Today or tomorrow I have to go back to the store and get a different dress for the wedding I am going to on saturday because the one I have is red and there is some "rule" that says you shouldnt wear red to a wedding although it took me forever to find this dress so I doubt I will be able to find something else.

I need to also go to the used book store and get either cather and the rye or grapes of wrath or something i can't remember for the life of me which one it is.

uugh its 12:22 pm and i am still half a sleep. I can't wake up today. I need coffee or something. Maybe its because my history profs voice is soooooo monotone droning.

The only reason I came to class today was because he said that he was giving an assignment otherwise I would be shopping right now... I know that sounds bad but he doesn't take attendence and its history and that never changes so i can just read about it later...

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Money Money Money

I have decided after a looooooong over due period of time to date someone. I have dated him before which is fine with me. No its not the one with the kids and the one I have been waiting for.... its the one I started dating when I started this blog actaully. Things are going well. No Pressure.

We are going to a wedding together this up coming Saturday. I am scared but I think it will be fun.

I am a little worried. I need to make more money. Like now! My mom has informed me that since she had to have emergency spinal surgery that they might now be able to afford to pay for my tuition next semester. I don't know how in hell I can pay for it. I am soooooo poor. The one credit card I have its near its small yet substancial limit. Plan and simple I need either a new job that pays lots of money or some how get a second job.


*sigh* I just don't know what to do.

The pharmacy where I work at I make decent money an hour but I don't really work that many hours because of school and he cut back our store hours... and we are always closed on sundays... thats a WHOLE day I could work....

Although I love my sundays off i would work instead....

Monday, October 23, 2006

"If you love something, let it go..."

Bullshit. Its complete bullshit.

I did probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life today. I don't know if I made the right decision either. Last night while working on my Grid for Type I kept thinking about how unhappy I have become. Dating random guys isn't for me. It makes me feel worse about myself and I really just never feel comfortable. I was thinking about Bryon mostly like I always do and i just felt that I had waited long enough. 4 months is a long time to patiently wait for someone to get there life together... and he still had yet to do that. So I called and left a message saying to call me I needed to talk to him. He called me when I was at work today....

..... basically I told him that I can't wait anymore. I just can't do it. He wasn't happy. But he said that he still didn't know what he wanted... blah blah.... I was so upset with myself because I feel like I totally just gave up.... I still dont know if I did the right thing but I guess time will tell....

I just feel like now I am waiting but there is noone that I am waiting with. I am to upset to date and I don't even want to.

I do think that my friends are awesome though. All day they have kept me from feeling worse than I already do. You know who you are... I love you...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

**SIGH**

Someone needs to help me figure this out! NOW!

When I was younger, in middle school and high school, I was really shy and unsure of myself. During my senior year I started to come out of my shell more. I had more experience in dating people and I was single but I wanted to be. Going from someone who was extremely shy and akward to now is so confusing. I am not trying to TOOT my own horn but ever since Bryon and I have broken up it seems like there is a new guy every week and they just keep coming. I don't know what to do with all of this new found attention. I have never been in this position before. Honestly I don't know if it matters. I will hang out with them and what not and feel fine then but afterwards I feel terribly guilty. I really don't want to be single. But I feel like no one will compare to Bryon. I don't know if "compare" is the right word. Its not like I sit there and actually do that. Its just that he stills has my heart.

The newest guy is acutally someone that I have already dated. It didn't end well but it was 2 years ago. We were younger and new to being considered "adults" so we didn't do much different then before the rules changed. He seems more mature now and I must say I do like kissing him. But my parents don't particularly like him, neither does my sister. His parents hate me I am sure. Do i really feel like fighting for this? I don't know. All i know if it was Bryon I was fighting for I would be in there tearing it up.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The Situation

I have been getting to know this guy. He is a nice guy. A cute guy. A really funny guy. But I just don't care. I blow him off all the time. I know what I am doing. I know that I am probably hurting his feelings but again I just don't care. I know what I should tell him. That i am still in love with my exboyfriend and I can't seem to shake it. That even though he is great there is pretty much nothing he can do to persuade me to go his way and forget about Bryon.

I doubt anyone can totally make me forget about Bryon. I know that I should try but when I do I feel completely horrible. I feel like shit and then I don't have fun. If I tell him all of this then I will be waiting for Bryon and I don't want to be doing that either.

Fuck!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I got off easy this week.

I was all stressed out because it was technically "mid term" week. But since i am mostly in art classes i just had lots of assignments due. I did have one midterm schedualed but my History Teacher pushed it back to next thursday. So I am very happy about that.

So I have a myspace... along with everyon else it seems. Lately I have been getting really random messages from people I don't know. Lots of them actually. Some of the are weird. Some are ammusing as hell. Others are just spam. But a smal few are actually real people.... But did I mention that most of them are weird.

So this weekend I have so many things planned. Tomorrow I am going out to eat at P.F. Changs. And then Saturday night we are going to Brickstreet in Oxford.

Oh yeah by the way "Rocker Guy" is no more. What a shame..... not!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Patients or Persistence?

This week my emotions have gone to unexplainable, completely dangerous, to happy and hyper, then back to lonely and confused. Up and down I go. "Things happen for a reason" I think to myself. Do I really believe that? Or do things happen because you make them happen? If I just sit here will I get everything I want in life? Or do I go out and do something to get it? Do you need patients or persistence? Does it depend on what you want? Or does it depend on what everyone else wants?

Its hard for me to sit here and believe that if i continue to sit here that eventually I will get everything I want. You must do something to get it. Nothing is just handed to you on a silver platter. So then why do people say "If it's ment to be it will happen." Do I have to do other things to make that one thing happen? Or do I do absolutely nothing? How do you know where the line is? When something so important to you it hanging in the balance. Do you try and continually grab at it and jump and just maybe you'll get it, or maybe you'll fall over in complete exhaution or the person holding what you want will just laugh in your face. Or do you sit there, do nothing. Just watch what you want (in an unstalker way) and either one day see it coming to you with open arms or see it slipping away. The hard part is when you can't see it at all. When what you want is "there" but unfortunally locationally you aren't able to know if its getting closer or falling farther away....

So then the question is do you do one or the other, or a little of both? When it comes to something that you love how do you know what to do so you don't loose them forever? Or whatever does happen was fated? It was ment to be.

Its vicious circle.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

It's a catch 22

If I sit here and wait I will be lonely and frustrated.

But when I go out and meet people, to move on, it only makes me feel quilty and sad.

So what am I suppose to do?

Either way I am screwed.

Either way i am not with the person I truely care about.

I am stuck.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

My "Shit" got shitted on!

Yesterday we had a preliminary critque were we show our progress on the present project. The project was to make a poster for the University about Diversity. I thought, along with other classmates, that the subject was so over done, so lame. But I pushed forward and thought how could I make this interesting instead of completely lame. I didn't really want to do something extremely positive where you have a peace dove and the globe and say "Give peace a chance". Thats completely rediculous. So I decided to make a poster with the theme of "Bathroom". Here is what it looks like:

Free Image Hosting


It was suppose to be funny. It relates with the college crowd. But some GIRL in my class thought that the word "Shit" was offensive.... OFFENSIVE!!! I wanted to smack her.

Really... it offensive? I don't think so.


I mean it isn't even close to being finished. Its still in the beginning stages. I just felt that it people like her that make it so shocking when someone does put the word SHIT on something. Hell maybe I should just change it to FUCK and see what happens. I just hate close minded people. I understand that its a slightly different poster then the norm but isn't that what diversity is about??? Being different??

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

My Halloween Costume.....

Oh yeah! Halloween in around the corner people!!! I am excited because this year I am dressin up!

What should I be? You ask. Well I had a couple of ideas. My first idea was a Pirate Hooker. Yes Thats Right. A Pirate Hooker. But the costumes I found were less than flattering or just rediculous.


So I stared thinking. I was to be attractive. So no blood or attachments. I want to be girlie. I also want to wear something that I would never usually wear because IT HALLOWEEN DAMN IT AND I CAN....


So after searching the interweb for days I have come to an exhausting end to the search for my costume....


Here it is.......









What do you need for this costume:

Legs- I have those! Shorter ones than her but maybe that will make the dress less short.
Chest- CHECK! I have that in the bag. Thanks mom!
Booty- CHECK! I got junk in the trunk baby!!!

I also already own an army hat that will go perfectly with the outfit. And I believe I have combat boots. I believe and if I dont I am sure I can find some....

So..... do you like it? Its not tooooo sluty is it????

Monday, September 25, 2006

Radio Oricale

It's a "game" I play when I get in my car everyday. I turn the radio down so that i can't hear it and then i randomly choose a station. Whatever song is playing is like your anthem for the day or to get you to think about something. I play it because it helps be try to stay upbeat but lately its only been making me more sad. Everytime I play it its a song that is about break ups or reminds me of Bryon. Its rediculous. Today I got Broken Road by Rascal Flatts and Bring It on Home (which made me cry) by Little Big Town.

I guess you can't always get happy songs.


In other news.... I keep having a repeating dream where I am about to get married but then I don't for someone unknown reason and I grow old and poor and lonely and live in a rundown house in some crappy city.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

To call or not to call... That IS the question...

Yesterday I was sitting here at my desk working hard on my homework when suddenly I hear my cell go off in my purse. At first I was like "Eh I don't feel like answering it." But then some cosmic force made me get out of my chair and to look and see who called figuring I had missed the call. Nope. But when I looked down at the callers name and saw Bryon I answered it. My heart pounded hard, my hands immediatly got all sweaty and started shaking.....

.... oh my... he is calling about the CD. So I answer all calmly because I am cool like that. "Hello?"

"Hey!" He says in he cute romantic voice. (he really does use different voice tones so i know what kind of mood he is in.) "What are you doing?"

I tell him I am doing homework and I ask him how he is. He says "Good....." In a way that he wants me to know more and then... AND THEN....

"Hey Steve (his boss) is calling me, can I call you back?" Of course I say yes..... That was yesterday. He hasn't called back. Should I call him or do I have to continue to wait?????

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Lost...

*SIGH*


I think I am having a Pre-Mid-life crisis. Why do I think this? Well I can't concentrate on ANYTHING important to me.... like my art or driving... thats my life i am dealing with and i have been driving so crappy lately. When I wake up in the morning I have noticed that my heart is pounding really really fast and I have no idea why. I keep getting headaches. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I made a wrong turn in my life somewhere and I am not where I am suppose to be.

The other day I was thinking about my future. Am I the marrying type? I really want to get married. I want to find that person that I can't live without. But I am quite stubborn. I am particular. I bitch a lot. I like things done a certain way. I like to do things that most people would deem boring. I can be kind of lazy. I hate doing laundry. I want to work a lot. I am not sure I want children. I am extremely impatient. I like it when people do things they say they are going to do. I don't like lame ass excuses... ect...

What if I am not marriage material? What if I am to damn high matenience for a guy? I know that you are thinking I am young and I have forever to find someone still but honesly I have been hurt so many times so far that I don't even want to continue looking. I don't understand why I keep giving so much love and then getting hurt in the end. I don't understand why the same thing always happens over and over even though I am changing and evolving into someone better at relationships. I just dont get it.

I am getting fed up. I feel lost. Honestly I do.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Sorry for the delay....

Sunday went well. I didn't really go into it having high expectations. He was surprised and impressed. He thought it was something bad like me giving his promise ring back. NEVER!

I figured since I made such a grand gesture that he can call me now. I feel that I have proved how I have felt and said what I needed to say.

I haven't talked to Derek since Friday and he hasn't talked to me. Why I don't really know. Honestly it doesn't bother me that much. If he just wants to kiss me on fridays thats fine I have no problem with that. I really don't want to have a full blown relationship with him anyway... not right this minute.

They said last semester that our first art classes called foundations would be the hardest and most time consuming... yeah they were wrong. My GD and Type classes are killing me. They are making me take time away from my other classes and thats just not right. Like I had a paper due today for History and I didnt even write it because I had to work on type and GD. They are my major they come first. I don't know if he'll let me turn in the paper late either.... i guess i will just have to see.

Work is killing me. I feel like i am there all of the damn time. And I feel like no one knows how to do anything right so then i have to do it and then they tell me that I am useless... which makes no sense to me at all... i want to get a different job. I have said this so many times but I really just need to do it. I want to make enough money so i can pay my car payment, pay off my computer, then move out.... thats all.... only like 6000 dollars are needed for that... or more...

I am trying to keep positive though, which is not like me. I am usually the one that only sees the negative but I am trying to be optimistic. However. I don't understand why I still don't feel any inspriration or motivation to do well on my work. Its driving me crazy.

*sigh* I feel like i need a vacation from everything.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

How do I.....

I am sick. I have a stuffy nose and a sore throat. Its going away. Its alot better than yesterday. Which is good.

How do I feel about today? I am not sure. I haven't seen Bryon in 2 months. I do however want to see him. I do know that I don't want us to get back together today. I just want to see him. We are friends. We are there for each other. If anthing I want to be friends with him and I know for a fact that he wants the same thing. It's just something that I feel I have to do.

How do I feel about Derek? I like Derek and I kind of am understanding why he isn't jumping into such a serious relationship right away. I want to continue talking to Derek. But if he has a problem with me being friends with Bryon then I am sorry. Bryon means a lot to me. He is like my best friend.

I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone. But I just feel like if I don't do this I am always going to regret it.

How do I.....

I am sick. I have a stuffy nose and a sore throat. Its going away. Its alot better than yesterday. Which is good.

How do I feel about today? I am not sure. I haven't seen Bryon in 2 months. I do however want to see him. I do know that I don't want us to get back together today. I just want to see him. We are friends. We are there for each other. If anthing I want to be friends with him and I know for a fact that he wants the same thing. It's just something that I feel I have to do.

How do I feel about Derek? I like Derek and I kind of am understanding why he isn't jumping into such a serious relationship right away. I want to continue talking to Derek. But if he has a problem with me being friends with Bryon then I am sorry. Bryon means a lot to me. He is like my best friend.

I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone. But I just feel like if I don't do this I am always going to regret it.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

SO FUCKING AGGRAVATED.....

Bryon called me yesterday 3 times. He just wanted to say Hi. And say he missed me. It was odd. I was happy about it but it was still like is he just calling because he is horney?

I talked to Derek and told him he was confusing the hell out of me. He said that everything is fine so I decided I'll just see how tomorrow goes (friday night bowling).

I tried to call Bryon today because I am suppose to go up there sunday to give him the CD, which looks awesome by the way. He answered and couldn't hear me and then when I called back he didn't answer.

I am just like... wtf. Bryon needs to tell me what he wants and so does Derek. I am so aggravated and stressed out about it. I try and not let it bother me but god I care about Bryon so much. I really am not that upset about Derek. It's just Bryon. Why? Why does it have to be this way? Should I still give him the damn CD, which i worked my ass of on and looks amazing. I might just give it too him so he can see how much thought I put into it and then be like "This is it Bryon. Either you decide that you want to do something. That you don't want to loose me forever. Or just let me go. Because this up and down shit it driving me insane." Something like that.

HELP ME SOMEONE GIVE ME ADVICE!!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Not Fun

So I really do like Derek but he has been odd. Like he likes me, so he says. But we never hang out except for friday bowling and when we do its great. But other than that nothing and I have given him a million chances to hang out. Lindsey says that since he still lives with his parents that they are pretty strict and don't let him go out if he has to work early the next day. I dont know. I wish he would just freaken tell me. But lindz says he is embarassed, which I understand. grrr this is so frustrating. I was seeing if things with Derek worked out that I wouldn't give BOY the CD but I think I am going to give him the CD anyway. I have worked hard on it and it looks pretty nifty. Its not finished but i am hoping i can finish it by Sunday... maybe...

well i guess i am just going to have to wait for my answer... ahhhhhh

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Well hmmmm.

So I went bowling friday... and got "closer" to Derek but then things started to go back down hill with him. See I am extremely busy and when I have time to hang out and you just don't feel like it doesn't work because when you do I won't be able to... get it? Derek didn't but then again he didn't really know how busy i was.... Anyway. He is just there until I guess we figure this all out.... or whatever....


BUT THE BIG NEWS IS.... I talked to boy. Or rather BOY talked to ME!

I know. He was really nice. Wanting to know how I was and everything. He said that he still loves me and that everything is so busy... yeah i know. But am I really suppose to wait? Till we aren't busy that is. If we want to be together shouldn't we be? I know that we live kind of far away from each other and all but.... I just want to be with the one I am in love with.

I know you are probably thinking that I am not being fair to Derek but I feel like should keep myself open. We aren't dating or anything like that so I can do whatever I want. Derek won't even make straight plans with me for god sake.... all I have to say is I really don't want to do my homework because there is to much to do and its already 10:15 pm and I have to work at 9 and then school... i am pretty screwed.....ahhh

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Random week

Yesterday I was suppose to go to Graphic Design but since I was feeling a little lazy and didn't really have enough gas to get there I decided that I would take the day off. I think something was due yesterday but I really don't care. Which is probably bad. I am just not feeling ambious this week. ANYWAY...

I talked to BOY. It was interesting to say the least. He asked me all of these questions and I answered him very vaguely. He asked me about my love life and I told him to change the subject..... He seems to miss me but he is so busy with work and his grandfather in the hospital that I can understand why we aren't together I just don't like it. (right now my prof is rambling on about something about "believing") Maybe I should have more positive thoughts. That one day BOY and I will figure things out. I also don't see what harm it will do if I do make the CD for him. Its not like it will make things worse since I doubt they could get any worse.... so what do I have to loose???? REALLY I WANT TO KNOW!

So i went to a party last night with Lindz for Nicole's 21st bday. It was lame since I was DD. I left early too. Left Lindz there. She wanted to stay longer! I talked to Derek and he said he promises we will hang out but I am feeling a little apprehensive about it since I still have such strong feeling for BOY. I have 45 minutes of this class left and about 15 minutes of battery left on my laptop.... oh booo. He is so boring that I normally either post or talk on AIM to people. Today we had a quiz and yeah didn't know half the answers. Good thing I am not a history major. I really am not feeling this semester. I am a good student. Last semester I had a 3.5 GPA and loved everything about school. Now I just want it to be over. Only 12ish more weeks left! I m hoping that next semester I can co-op so I only have like 6 credit hours of classes and then I can work some where and make some money... actual money. Not what I make at the pharmacy.

All I have to say is thank god it's thursday because that means its the weekend. But ubfortunally for me I have a HUGE graphic design project due.... ahhhh I am not even close to being finished... such the procrastinator...

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Possibilities and Reservations

Derek. Thats his name. He is my new posibility. He isn't exactly my "type". I am what people would consider "pop princess bubble gum preppy clean adorable" kind of gal. Where as Derek is a "hard rocking metal listening long haired" kind of guy. I like preppy clean guy men. Derek is younger than me. I just finish dating a guy that was almost 6 years older than me. And to go and date someone 2 years younger than me feels like I am going to have to be the teacher here.... ugh. I think he is really sweet and he would care about me the way i feel that I deserve but I am not sure.

I don't feel like I have put the BOY thing to rest yet. He ment so much to me and for me to date someone else would make me feel like "hey its really over" because you can't date someone else and then say that you didn't give up on the other person..... I want to know without fault that Bryon doesn't think about me everyday. But then again I find my self wanting Dereks (buff) arms wrapped around me with the same desire.... oh bother.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Is this a good or a bad idea?

I have been thinking about doing something to let BOY know what is going on in my mind. I was thinking since I am a graphic design major, that I would make a CD full of songs that tell him how I am feeling. I would make a CD jacket that would have all the lyrics to the songs and I would put why each song is on the CD and what it means. I just feel that I need to let him know whats going through my mind. I would make it and mail (I guess) to him. And see what happens..... so??? Yes or No?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

For Fuck sake!

School has actaully been decent today. I dropped a class so that my schedual wasn't as stressful. Which really only makes me have to be here longer but eventually it will be over. I returned a book to the book store and got the right one, oh and bought a glue stick!

I actually ate really food today. I haven't eaten an actual meal in like 2 weeks because of my "problem". Oh my blood test came back normal which really means that whatever is wrong with me that they are going to have to figure out some other way... and honestly right now I am not interested in knowing what way that is.

I got a locker for all my art shit. Its located conviently on the 3rd floor which happens to be the only floor I have class on in this building so yeeee haw!

I talked to L about BOY and the fact that I haven't wanted to date anyone or flirt. That I would just really like to have friends right now. And I mean the friends that a girl can count on. Ones that I know won't lie to me or won't be there for me. She told me that I should try to give new guys a chance that they might surprise me. Hmmm.. no. I. dont. think.so.

Its not that I can't. I totally could go on "a date". But honestly in my eyes I would only see it as hanging out as friends because first of all I will be paying for anything myself. Second of all there would be no touchy or kissing of any kind. Which takes me to number three. There would be absoluetly no chance in hell that he would be getting ANY of this! Which of course means sex. Just thinking about making love or just having sex with someone that isn't BOY makes me want to vomit. Thinking that anyone could make me feel the way he did in that way seems impossible.

I know that I can not be cellibate for the rest of my life. So I know that these feels could change if I got frisky enough, but i feel horrible. I want his body against mine. No one elses. I don't want to do something that means that much with someone else. Thats just wrong. I refuse. I only want to make love with the person I love and unfortunally I can't do that.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Tired

I am at school right now "in class". I am suppose to be researching some crap for a drawing but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like even being here. I want to be a graphic designer thats not the problem. I love what I do. I feel like I have lost my inspiration.... that got me thinking. What if BOY was my inspiration? He was always my strenght and my crutch to lean on. He always pushed me to do all the things I really wanted to. So now what? I am stuck. I know what I want to do but I have lost my inspriration and my motivation to do it. Can BOY really be my inspiration? That one person who makes you want to be a better person?

God I hope not.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Trying My Damndest....

I haven't talk to BOY since Wednesday and don't plan on ever calling him. I left him a message telling him if he wants to talk to me he can call me. I am slightly pissed about it. Yes it bothers me because I care about him a lot. But I am also slightly releaved. It takes a lot of time and stresses you out dealing with relationships and problems. Trying to figure out what BOY and I have right now came out the worst time. Yes I would love to figure things out but I am not going to put up with shit. He kept going back and forth with feelings. One day he was sweet and loving and the next cocky as hell. I don't feel like playing games. I have way to much other shit to deal with.

Friday I went to the Doctors to see what it wrong with me. They took blood and did all of these tests but I won't get any results back until monday. So all the pain that I have I am just going to have to suffer through.

School is daunting as hell. Driving 40 minutes to get there four times a week and then driving home is crazy. Working is crazy too. I am trying to work the same amount of hours so I have enough money. Its looks like I am going to have to cut back on hours.

For the rest of the day I will be working on way to much homework that you should give to a student. I feel like I am pre med or something. This is rediculous.

As for the BOY. I will always miss him. I will always love him. But it has to be up to him to make a move now. I called him to straighted everything out. I called him after that. I need to know that he wants me. Even if that means I continually look at my cell phone. I need to stay strong.... I have to do this for myself.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Fed Up

With everything.

I am overly stressed. Overly sick. Overly everything.

I can't handle school and it just started.

I decided not to deal with the guy thing anymore and that is making it even harder.

Work I have to do but am so stressed out when i am there.

My back hurts. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. Everything is so fucked up. I am like one more night without sleep away from just passing out.

I am not happy with anything.

I don't like where I am.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Interrupted Fate

When I first got a screen name on AIM in use to be Interrupted Fate. I thought it was quite unique and honestly I would still use it if i could remember the password. I remember I was excited about getting my AIM name because every one of my friends had it and I didn't.

I thought long and hard about it too. Trying to figure out what simplified how I felt at that time but exposed sides of myself, and left a little mystery. Thats alot of work for just a name.

I was thinking about the name again because that is the way I feel about Bryon. I feel that things got in the way of our fate. ALOT of people have voiced their concerns about my dating him again, even though we aren't and haven't even brought up the subject, I have decided that I want to follow my heart this time instead of trying to make everyone happy. I look back to Bryon and mine's relationship and I see that because I was so determined to make everyone okay with what I really wanted that I didn't do what I wanted. If I had my choice Bryon and I would be living together right now. But at the time I was to concerned with making it okay with my parents. I am twenty years old. Although I love them dearly I don't exactly have to do everything they say and I don't really have to listen to there opinions anymore.

Interrupted Fate.... although its an oxymoron I think for now thats my explination of Bryon and I.

Dictionary.com says that fate is the supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events and that those events are inevitable and predestined by that force. An interruption is just a break in action. So for now Bryon and mine's relationship is a inevitable event that is predestined but is currently on a break..... yeah thats sounds about right.

I know that Bryon and I will always care about one another. I also know that Bryon and I will most likely always love one another as well. And in the words of Michelle Branch "That gives me something to sleep to at night."

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Break Down Continues....

Since 7:40 am I have done nothing but watch Sex and the City with my sister and cry.

Yes thats right. Cry.

It will happen randomly. I haven't cried for a month. And now its pouring out of me like a waterfall. (right now I can't even see the computer screen because there are tears in my eyes.)

Why now? Of all the times? I mean tomorrow I have to go to the Doctor. Scratch that, the Surgeon because of all the crap wrong with me. I have to work tomorrow to... AND tomorrow is the first day of classes. I am going to break down... I can't handle all of this. I really can't.

I am going to freak out on someone. I want to scream. I want to bawl crying so loud and have no one tell me that "I will be ok." because I don't want to hear it.

I really can't stop crying. My sister thinks I need a xanax and my mom thinks I am crying because she made me install a new mouse on the computer.

I am breaking down. And the thing is I really don't know how I feel about it. I really don't.

I Couldn't Sleep

Friday I talked to Bryon.

Yesterday I didn't which I understood. But I wanted to.

Yesterday I cleaned out my car because I had to keep myself busy. Then I went out to dinner with my Lindz and her family to keep myself busy. Then we went bowling to keep me busy. I left before everyone else because I was tired. And I actually was. I told Lindz the story and she says she justs wants me to be happy. I went home and slept. I got woke up at 6:30 because Denver needed to go out. I didn't go back to sleep. I keep thinking about him....

I kept thinking:

I can't sleep.
My mind feels like its about to explode.
I miss him so much.
I want to talk to him.
I have so many things to ask him.
I want to see him.
I love him.
I can't sleep.
I have the worst head ache.
I should just call him.
I can't sleep.
I need him.
He is what I want.
There are so many things left unsaid.
Should I never talk to him again?
Why did this happen?
I can't sleep.
Everything is so fucked up.......

.... and on that I called him at 7:40 am. I didn't really know if he'd answer his phone. I mean it was the crack of dawn. He didn't. Answer. Now I am wondering if he is going to call me back. I didn't leave a message. I mean what was it suppose to say? "Hey I can't sleep and I've been putting off calling you for and hour and ten minutes. Call me back?"

Come on! I do need to talk to him though. Even if it is so we can both say this could never work. Even if I get my heart totally ripped to shreds just so i know that they is no way in hell we could be together. I hate love. I hate the drama and the fact that you need something for someone else. I miss him. I miss my best friend. my support. my everything. I know there is so much we have to figure out but i alway knew that I would marry Bryon. And when I have those feelings they are about 99.8% correct. I really miss him. Really.

What am I suppose to do?

Just so you all know. The time i am posting is 11:01 not what it says below.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!

YEAH! YOU!

Hey! Listen to me when I am talking to you! I poured my heart and undying need for advice into my last two entries and nothing... I get nothing! I was at least expecting "Hey You posted!" or something that might actually help me with the situation at hand... *sigh* Honestly I could use someones insight. Everyone around me doesn't seem to understand where I am coming from with Bryon. Ahhh! I hope you all are happy! Off doing god knows what with god knows who! Not helping out your fellow bloggers! Psh! I just don't know about some of you!


Its ok... I get it. I'll be fine... reeeally! Don't worry about me.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Holy Shit!

So.... Today.... I TALKED TO BRYON....

Ok last night I got so frustrated about him Direct Conecting me and what not that I had to find out what he wanted. So I called him. I was nervous and really scared. The convo went like this:

*ring*ring*

Bryon: "Hello?"
Me: "Did you beep me?"
Bryon: "Hello?"
Me: "Did you beep me!?"
Bryon: "No?"
Me: "Really because my phone said that you did?"
Bryon: "No."
Me: "OK!" *click*

........... I felt that if I left it on an upbeat note that he wouldn't really know how much I am hurting and would think that it doesn't bother me that we haven't talked in over a month and that everything that happened was so fucked up........

I didn't sleep after that phone call. I just tossed and turned. Kept thinking about why he would lie to me about something that was so obvious. I mean I heard his voice for god sake.

I came to work and I was in probably the worst mood ever. I was tired, sad, cranky, the whole nine yards. I am naturally bitchie already so when you add those qualities to me, trust me you don't want to mess with me. But my co-workers did. I just gave it to them. Finally after I had been there for almost 6 hours I wanted to finally eat. I started eating my food and was just so stress out about Bryon that I had tears coming down my eyes. I really didn't feel like playing games with Bryon and have him randomly beep me all the time so I called Nextel and asked if you could block a phone number. Of course they said no and that all I could do was change my number. So I called my mother and she told me to change my number and to have my Father do it for me...... Oh but instead....

I called Bryon. I figured Hey I was changing my number after this he could never get ahold of me. So I called him while i was at work and on the clock, "eating" and the convo went something like this:

*ring*ring*

Bryon: "Hello?"
Me: "Bryon if you have something to say to me you probably should say it to me now because after this I am changing my number." (oh yeah! I was on the ball!)
Bryon: "Why are you changing your number?"
Me: "Because you beeped me the other day and then lied about it."
Bryon: "I swear I never beeped you, I don't have your Direct Connect number anymore."
Me: "Bryon I heard your voice!"
Bryon: "Are you sure it was me? Maybe I accidentally hit my phone or something. I swear I didn't beep you."
Me: "Fine then, but can I ask you something?"
Bryon: "Yeah."
Me: "What happened?"

... sorry I am going to have sum some of this stuff up because yeah this was alot of information said in a short amount of time....

.... He told me that he did go to jail like Mikey said. He told me that he only had one phone call so he called him Father because he had to call a house phone and if he called my house my parents would have freaked out (which he was right, but they were out of the country at the time.). He told me that he told Mikey to tell me where he was and everything. Mikey did tell me that he was in jail but any information after that he was pretty much useless. They made him stay in jail until his court hearing. When he got out it was Friday. That Friday that went to hell.... He said that he was going to call me but he had other things that he had to deal with before he could. His boss was riding his ass about not being at work for 4 days and not telling him where he was. He had to find a place where he could stay and figure out all of is court stuff. ( For some damn reason I believe him. ugh!) He said but before he had time to call me that I had already called Mikey and he told me that Bryon didn't want to be with me, that he didn't want anything to do with me. That is were my sister came in. After Mikey said that I called her at work crying. Told her what happened and she called Bryon. I was at home. I was not at work. I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying. My sister called Bryon and talked to him. To this day I still have no idea exactly what she said to him. I have no idea what he said to her. Bryon told me today that he thought I was right there next to her telling her what to say. Which I wasn't. My sister, being the older sister went for his nuts, saying that he was horrible and he shouldn't be able to see his children. When I heard that she said that I went off on my sister even though Bryon was being a complete Dick. Bryon loves his girls more than anything in the world. I know that. Even though it doesn't sound like it. Bryon is the best thing for them. He can offer them a way better life then that of there mother. Anyway... I told Bryon that I wasn't there. That I had no idea exactly what was said. He said the reason that he hadn't called me was because He thought that I was telling my sister to say all of this and/or sitting there letting her say all of this and that is why he never called me. Because he doesn't want anything to do with people who threaten him and his children. Basically we were both sitting here for a month mad at each other because of lack of communication. I told him that the past month has been a living hell for me. That I never thought I would never speak to him again. That I wanted him to be in my life forever and with him not there it felt horrible. He said that he was really mad and sick to his stomach because he couldn't believe that I would say such things. That before anything I was his best friend and that he missed me and loves me. I was crying hysterically. We talked calmly and rationally. I told him that even though it didn't go down the way that I had thought that I don't know if I could really ever get over it. I told him that I have never loved someone as much as I loved him and that I hope I never do because when you loose it you feel like you've lost yourself. So many times when over the past month I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to him. To have him be there like he alway was. To tell him I could see how much, at one time, he did care for me.

He said that if I wanted that he would never call me again. That if i wanted him to that he would delete my phone number, that he wasn't going to bother me. That he wants me to be happy and live a fulfilling life. He didn't want me to have to change my phone number just for him. I told him that its fine. That I was here for him for anything. If he ever needed something that I would be there for him and I hope he would do the same. He said of course. I told him that I really had to get back to work. That I would talk to him later. He told me to take care....

*sigh* I told my mother. She isn't "dissappointed" that I seem to believe him. She is just angry that I would let him hurt me again. I told her that we aren't together. That who knows if we even talk again (god I hope so.). I know that I shouldn't believe him but honestly he had NEVER lied to me when we dated. NEVER! He always told me the truth about everything. I just trust him and I really don't know if I should or shouldn't considering. But he is like my home. Honestly.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I am afraid of my cell phone...

Really I am. Last night when I went to bed I normally keep it on and keep the sound on in case someone needs me. Last night I want to put my phone in a box then put it in a safe and then throw it far far away.....

Yesterday while I was at work I was trying to get a hold of my sister. We all have Nextels in our family, which means that you can use the Direct Connect (walkie talkie). So I was up front working and then went in the back and someone was like "You're cell phone is making noise." I figured that it was my sister since I had tried to call her. It was my sister.... but it was also appraently Bryon as well. Bryon direct connected me while I was at work....... When i say it Ann Marie said that my face went ghost white and she thought that i was going to faint... I was shaking... What did he want? Oh god what?

I didn't call him back back. He "broke up" with me in the meanest possible way. Why would I call him back? Yeah i could finally get closure... yeah i could possible learn what happened... I don't know.

So after work I went to Michael's to get some stuff because last night was 80's/ladies night at my house because one of the girls was going off to college far away and i love her. So i got home at was getting ready and some of the other girls were already there... i was in the bathroom doing my hair all extreme 80's when i heard it.... I HEARD IT! "BEEEEEP (long pause) Hello?" I went in and looked at my phone... it was him again! I was like "Ann Marie!" She came in and i was like i don't know what to do... she was like maybe you should talk to him...

I didn't talk to him. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if i should call him. I don't know..... I just don't know at all. What does he want? This is going to bother me. I figure if he tries to get ahold of me again (third time) then i will talk to him.....

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Chocolate Cake and Sex and the City

.... Solves your problems when you are feeling like shit.

Last night I didn't have anything to do so I watched TV for a while, read some of my book, and then went to sleep. At around 2 a.m. I woke up in excruciating pain. If you are new to reading this about 4 months ago I had to have gallbladder surgery. Apparently something is wrong... Again. It was the first time I had ever had surgery and lets just say it didn't go as well as they said it was going to. They said "You'll have surgery at 9 am and then be home by 12pm. Then in 2 days you will be back to normal." No! I was there from 8 am to 8 pm because I had an allergic reaction to the pain medicine that they gave me. I wasn't even able to walk for two days... I didn't really want to have the surgery but Bryon told me that it would be a good thing that he would be there for me through the whole thing, and that when I got better we'd move in together. He was there for me. He came to the surgery and stayed with me the whole night. It was intense thing for us because my parents were with him in the waiting room the whole time. I don't have his support anymore. Even though I shouldn't care that he isn't around because he is a complete ass and lied to me about everything.

My mind is going out of control. I am still completely upset about this whole Bryon thing and there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better or find closure in it. I refuse to call him. I mean what am I suppose to say? Its not like we are ever going to run into each other since he lives an hour away. Then the fact that apparently my "problem" isn't exactly gone and I am going to be going back to the Dr every week again. I don't want to... I start school again in a week... That's enough stress in its self...

At least I have cake... And Carrie... *sigh*

Thursday, August 10, 2006

GUYS DO SUCK!

Does anyone understand how to use this blog roll thing? Normally i am computer savvy and can figure out almost anything... but either i am just not interested in actually figuring it out or i am a dumbass... or both.

I signed up... tried to insert the code in my template and ya nothing... I don't get it!

oh and my spell checker on blogger ISN'T working!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Seriously!

Work actually wasn't that bad today. I felt like I did my job well. Everyone stayed in good moods. My Ann Marie and Lisa were there which just made it more fun. Working in a pharmacy is getting a little boring though. Counting pills everyday to drug addicts isn't fun.

I am planning a going away party for my co-worker Annie. Apparently she thinks its better to go to college 3 hours away then stay around here with me. Whateva!

I know that I just got out of a rather serious relationship and that I am not totally over it (at all). But I always feel like I need someone there. I like being in relationships. I am a relationship kind of gal. I am sure there is some deep hidden resentment in my childhood that corresponds to this thinking but I am not sure. I mean maybe I am just a loving person? I think I like to love people. Of course not just anyone. I have to be attracted to them... duh!

All I know is that I am really worried about my friend. I will call her "M". Seriously it isn't me because I am not in a relationship as you all are aware of. But "M" is. She is my best friend since 6th grade. She is in an abusive relationship with him live in boyfriend. They just bought a house together and are planning on getting married. When she calls me after he hits her she is too afraid to leave and acts like I shouldn't make a big deal of it. He had only to my knowledge hit her on 2 occasions but there could be more. He has a horrible temper and I haven't liked him from the beginning. I have told her repeatedly to leave and come to my house. She refuses. I don't want her to marry him because I know it will just get worse. I really don't know if I should tell her mother about this because I don't want her to be mad at me if maybe I am being overly serious. Ahh help...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Breaking Down

I feel like i am about to break down. I don't think i can handle acting like i am okay anymore. I know that what he did was wrong and that i shouldn't blame myself but how am i suppose to just let everything go? I wanted to marry him one day and now everything is so fucked up. Its like we never met. I could possibly go the rest of my life and never see or talk to him again. Do i want that? I should want that considering what he did to me. But it hurts not knowing if he is ok. What is going on in his life. I know what he did is rediculous and can't be forgotten. I feel like i am moving day by day just to get through and hoping one day i'll wake up and not care anymore. I never knew i could love someone as much as i loved bryon and now i wish i didn't. To love someone as much as i loved Bryon one day and then the next day never talking to him again its a killing pain. I've tried to go out with friends. I have fun unless there are all these couples around and then i start feeling tired and sick. Half of me feels like i should leave. I should go somewhere and totally get away from here and start my life somewhere else. But i can't. I love my college and i refuse to start over in college again. I am scared though that school isn't going to be as wonderful as it use to be. I feel like someone took half of me and tore it up into a million pieces and i can't figure out how to put them back together...

Monday, August 07, 2006

Queen Of Babble Book Review

BOOK REVIEW TIME!!!!

Over all this book kept my attention. But i am a little bias since Meg Cabot is one great author. Part one was a little slow. Part two reved up the engine and then took off and PART THREE well that just made you speed off into the horizon! I couldn't stop reading it and then it was over. And i was sad. I was having so much fun reading and then it just ended... I mean i knew eventually i would come to its end and then ending is very satisfactory to the book but I wanted to keep reading!! That's is a good sign of a great book. Over all the grade has replenished itself into an A! YAY!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

It's Saturday at 11 O'Clock....

And I am NOT at work. I have the day off so i should be happy right?

WRONG!

What's wrong with me? I feel like crying. I feel like i have a weight on the back of my neck and it's pushing me further and further into the ground. My stomach hurts as does my head.

The only person, well dog, i have talked to is Denver. She isn't happy with me anyway. I had to put a shock collar around her neck for the invisable fence and she doesn't like it.

Apparently I can't even make my dog happy. I know that I am feeling sorry for myself but why now? I hadn't until now.

Maybe i should have gone to work. That way i would be keeping myself busy. But does that mean i am avoiding something? Try not to think about it. Thinking about it will just make you miserable. Everytime i feel this way i want my mother. And everytime she is no where to be found.

Should i go talk to my therapist? All she is going to say is "This is not your fault. Stop blaming your self." I know it's not my fault. DUH! But that means i can't feel shitty? Then she would say "You are going to feel unhappy until you get over IT." DUH! It's aggravating. Its like i pay her to tell me stuff I already know. I am just not that wealthy, ok. And she is expensive!

People care to much about themselves. Me included.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Burnt Out

I need a vacation! I haven't felt like being at work at all this week. I haven't felt like doing anything this week. Anytime anyone tries to make me do something I want to strangle them. I know that I am slightly depressed but I haven't had time off since.... since.... I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER!

Work is horrible. Not just because I am filling in for my manager but because we are only open for a limited amount of hours. The boss man cut back the hours for summer and might not be changing them back. I want to get a job in my major any way but with school I need a place that will be flexable.

I am considering taking my vacation with Lindsey. She is willing to fly to Virgina Beach with me for a couple days in the next month or so. I am hoping that we get to go.

This Saturday I am going to Lori's to a cook-out-drunken-burning-of-ex-boyfriend-stuff party. I am only burning a shirt just because I am not ready to burn everything. Love, I feel, is a double edge sword. To love someone you must trust them with everything including your heart. But then when you do totally trust them you never believe that they could be lying to you because, duh, ya trust em'. Well then you get screwed because you love them... if you don't trust them then how can you be in love and have a meaningful relationship? But if you trust them and they are lying to you... then either way you are SCREWED! I don't mean to sound synical but when you get hurt you defiantly get jaded and your heart is weak. It take time to remember what you knew before you were dating that person. Love is like a lesson that we have to learn over and over again. It's exhausting!

Maybe that's why I need a vacation?

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Good Advice From Google?

On my google homepage i have my horoscope. Now i normally am not interested in reading them because they can bring you down and make you think to much about things. But I think todays advice might just be good enough to live by for awhile:

"You might feel as if you are easily gliding along, skating right over a rather difficult situation. You must stay in motion, for as long as you have momentum, problems don't fully affect you. It's like your feet are just skimming over the surface, but as soon as you slow down, you sink into the intensity of an emotional drama. Listen to your common sense and keep moving. "
Tuesday, August 1, 2006


Due to the outragious events from last week i think that basically i do just need to keep moving forward. In the past i have moped around for weeks. I don't like break ups. I know that this one is different though. Its not my fault that he turned out to be an ass. Also i feel like I did love him and gave him that love the best way i knew how and if he can't see that then he doesn't deserve me.

My parents are home now and got to hear the story. My mom was pissed and my dad said that if he ever came on our land he'd kill'em.

I was late for work today... but it was ok because i only had to work for 2 hours. So it was all good.

Monday, July 31, 2006

1 is the loneliest number....

So... It's over. It's like it never really started.... Again.

Bryon was just to much of an ass to tell me that he didn't want to be with me.

Maybe you are asking, "Jeanie, you love him, why aren't you that upset?"

Oh well.... I am, he just did it in the most dick way ever. He was "in jail". And apparently he is engaged to someone?? Over all... It feels like 7 months was a complete lie.

I refuse to talk to him. My sister scared the shit out of him. My parents are flying in today and will hear the story. And my step father has this gun, that has this scope, that allows you to shoot your target... Quite accurately...

I am pissed... But glad I found out who he really was before I did something like MOVE IN WITH HIM!! Holy shit would that have been bad.

The thing that I hate is when you have to get back on that horse (not that I will be doing that anytime soon) but getting back up there and meeting someone new. I hate the "getting to know each other" and the "getting comfortable with each other enough were you can actually poop at his place". I hate waiting for that. I always have to leave earlier than I want because the dinner that we ate isn't sitting well....

----------------------------------------------------------------

On a different note

I am working as my manager this week. So.... With all the stress of the "break up" looming in the background and all the stress of finding out what all the little shit heads that I work with did wrong while running the registers and listening to my owner bitch about just about everything... I don't have very high expectations for this week.

I am contemplating taking vacation next week.... But I am not sure about that just yet. I wish I could actually go somewhere but I bought that laptop and it was expensive....

Oh! Ok... Remember when your mother told you not to chop your gum? Well... At work I was checking out this lady who was schloping her gum in her mouth like a horse. I had to ask her if she had and questions about her medications and she was like "shwell shy waash wondering..."! UGH! I wanted to make her step back and spit it out... It was gross!

I need love... So leave me a comment... Boys suck!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I feel like I might throw up.

I have cried everyday since Sunday.

My nerves are shot.

Things that trigger the tears:

  • music, certain songs like "StickWitU" by Pussycat Dolls.
  • anything in my room which is why I have been sleeping in my parents room since they aren't around.
  • calling for M or B and getting the voicemail. (I could resight it by heart, the voicemail dialog)
  • The Television, I can't watch shows that show people being in love or kissing, or shows that show violence or crying. So basically I can watch HGTV and the weather channel.
  • People asking me if I have heard anything and then making me reitterate what is going on.

One of the hardest things but one of the things that keeps me going in Denver. Its something thats both of ours. Something we both care about. It also reminds me how much he does love me. Along with the promise ring. Which I haven't taken off since Saturday. Normally I take it off when I shower but I can't. I refuse to take it off.

I keep calling hoping I will find out what, where, and when. But all I am getting is dead ends. I will not stop till I find out something. I love Bryon. I will always be there for him even if he is too stubborn to ask me for it.

I just love him. With all my heart.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

This is one feeling i could have lived without. I hate it when Bryon does this. I told him to call me later.... yesterday. He still hasn't called me and I can not get a hold of him. I have been trying to call him but he isn't answering. I left him a voicemail too. I know that he is at his mothers and its out in the country but I would think he would be able to pick up his phone for a minute and call me to let me know he is ok... ya know?

I just get so aggravated. I just want to get a hold of him to know everything is ok. It makes me so mad when he does this. I get upset and want to cry. I just wish everything was like how it use to be. I feel so utterly stupid. I mean everything is so different now. Its not like before. I can tell we still love each other and want to be with each other. But Bryon seems to be all stand offish. Like he is afraid. I am pissed at myself. I could already be living with him but no. I was a dumb ass and wouldn't do it before. I realise now how much he really did love me because the way we are now it feels like he doesn't want to do that so he doesn't get hurt and its killing me. I don't know what to do. This fucking sucks.

help. me.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Things are interesting now. Now that Bryon and I are back together. It isn't like it was before. But it isn't bad either. I don't think that we will be moving in together soon but all i have to do is to be patient. I have to know that if I am patient we will eventually move in with each other.

We do need to talk about it though. Actually talk about it.

I got to see him today! I hope I get to see him tomorrow.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Bryon and I are back together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to go see him today for lunch. When i got there he was like "I already ate." So I was a little confused since that was the reason I was there. SO...

"Did you eat lunch?" he said

"No." I said extremely confused.

" Ok then we can go get you food." Bryon said with a smile.

So i turn on my car and started driving. I ended up at Penn Station because that sounded alright. ( I dont really like eating fast food, ever since my gallbladder surgery.)

"Are you coming in with me?" I asked when i parked the car.

He said no and asked if he could have the keys so the air can be on. I said sure and was about to go in when he grabbed me and KISSED ME! And told me that he Loved me! Then he really kissed me... and well... more but this is a PG blog ... anyway...

I went in to get my sandwich and lemonaid and on my way back out he was in the driver seat. I was like "What do you think your doing?"

"I'll drive while you eat."

"Where are we going?" I said.

"Mikey's Apartment."

Oh my.... So we went. Bryon and I laid down to take a nap while Mikey was doing something lame. Bryon said that he missed me alot. That he loves me more than anything in the world. Then he asked me to be with him. It was so great. I am so happy!!!!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Yeah that's right.... I am in a good mood.

So I went to work today like normal. All the cool people were there. AM and S. It was a nice boring day at the pharmacy. N, the adorable hunk of an intern left early which just made it even more boring because we had nothing to look at. So me and M decided to talk. I told here that Bryon and I have been talking regularly everyday. But I am usually the one that calls him. If I call him and he has to call me back he does. So I was wondering. Should I try not to call him for a day and see if he'd take the inciative to call me? Just to see if he does miss me and he is interested. Or should I try and keep the flood lines of communication open so that he doesn't think I don't care anymore? AM and M decided that I should try and not call him all day but toward night time if he hasn't called me to call him because guys tend to get use to doing or not doing stuff and he might just think that I'll call him. So I was like ok but its going to be hard....

So I am sitting there doing pharm order when S was like "is that your cell ringing?" I jumped up and ran to my purse. I missed the call by like a fraction of a second but it was BRYON he called me on his own. I called him right back and we talked for a little while. We said our "I love yous" and then I went back to work. I was like to AM "HE CALLED ME!" she was like "OMG I KNOW" I felt slightly childish and girlie but this is my future husband. I just know it. I am so overly excited about everything right now between us...

This could really make me happy for a while! YAY!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Oh my this weekend...

So let me see... Friday I talked to Bryon and told him that I wanted to move in with him and he seemed ok with it, he just needed time still about us getting back together. Well this bothered me, of course. So I talked it over with friends and what not and they just told me to be patient. So I tried... Again.... To be patient.

Then Saturday I worked from 9-1 and then went home to a loving mother and we watched movies after I tried to attempt to go see my friend Miranda but failed because she just moved and I turned on the wrong road... And ALMOST GOT IN A WRECK... Yah! So I called her and was like I can't find your house.. And I almost got hit, I am going home. She was like OK!. So I went home and watch movies with my mother. She seemed chipper and nice, she was a little disappointed because they were suppose to go on vacation yesterday (aka Monday) but had to postpone it to next Monday because she forgot to get her passport out of the bank deposit box... (which to me is totally her fault but apparently not, although I know that if I was going with them and I forgot to get it out of the bank they would have just left me here and I would be deemed irresponsible.)

Which apparently I am anyway. I woke up on Sunday in a crappy mood. I was emotional and sad. I missed Bryon terribly and wanted to be in his arms... Or just talk to him. I couldn't get a hold of him for nothing. But then my mom started picking and picking at me. She kept saying that I never do anything right and that I disrespect her house because I am not the most well organized person in the world. I mean my mother is like Martha Stewart on crack. She thinks that everything should be done her way or it isn't correct... CORRECT.

So basically we kept fighting until she went to my room and got everything and put it in trash bags. I was like... Um? She was like you can't have them. I was like but I bought them? She was like but they are in my house. I was like well then I'll LEAVE. So I did. I left. I got in my car and went to Mike's house. Mike is Bryon's cousin. I called Mike so that I could get ahold of Bryon but he didn't know where he was. He then proceeded to tell me that Bryon was at his girlfriends. I wanted to laugh hysterically. Bryon and I saw each other Thursday and we kissed a lot... I know Bryon like the back of my hand he would never cheat on ANYONE... Ever! So I stayed at Mike's on the couch... Freezing next to a snake the was trying to get out of its little glass cage... I was about to pee my pants when he head popped out the top... I wanted to cry but everyone was asleep and I wasn't about to touch it. So I just kept watching it... Until his roommate woke up and I was like "Get the snake, get the snake!" Then I called Bryon and finally got him and told him that me and my mother had a fight and that I was at Mikes house and he was like "awe babe I am so sorry." He told me to come to his work to see him. He told me that before when he was living in the apartments that he let mike stay with him which was illegal so they told him he had to leave. So we both didn't have a place to stay, he was at his mother's house. Which is in Minster. Which is like 3 hours from me. Anyway. So he doesn't have a girlfriend... I told him what mikey said and he said that mikey and him haven't talked in like 2 weeks and he doesn't know anything. I told him I figured. He kissed me nice and slow and then kissed me softly on my forehead and told me that everything will get better.
It was great! Not perfect. But it was good. I talked to him today. That was good too. I miss him a lot.
oh... I am back at my parents. Apparently we were both just being a little over dramatic about things. Plus Bryon wants me to have a good relationship with my parents when it does come time for me to move out...

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I understand that me breaking up with Bryon hurt him to no end. But we love each other and he knows that something had to be done to make things better. Maybe breaking up with him wasn't the best way of making things better. But we fought everyday and I really didn't have an answer. I didn't want to break up with him ever, I always wanted to marry Bryon and I told him that. I looked him straight in the eyes with my full heart and soul and said to him, " one day I am going to marry you."

I need and want to do this. But he isn't sure I guess. I am trying my damnedest to be patient and not push him. I just feel like sometimes I can't say things that really mean something to me because I am afraid that I will be pushing him or harm my chances. I really don't know what to do. I want to live with Bryon. I want too be with him SO bad.

I told him last night on the phone that I had an idea of how we could fix the relationship and told him that I would move in with him that I wanted to live with him. I told him to take time and think about it but I was out with a friend and couldn't tell him everything that I wanted to. Maybe its better this way that way I don't go over board and say to much. But then how do you know if you have said to much. What if I said to little? What if he really doesn't believe me? What if he thinks I am just saying that so he'll get back with me and when the time comes he doesn't think I will actually go through with it? I will do it. I will pack my things right now damn it! I will do something spontaneous just so I can be with him...

Why is this so complicated?

Friday, July 14, 2006

What I want....

So I have been really honestly thinking about things and I am sick and tired of where I am in life. I am sick of always wondering if my mom and father are going to be mad if I do this or if they will be okay with it. I am sick of being afraid to ask to do stuff that I really want to do. I am sick of people in my family judging my decisions by saying I making "horrible ones". I am sick of people look down on me when I don't think I am all that bad of a daughter, friend, co worker ect. I am nice and I try to think about other people before myself. Maybe that's my down fall. Maybe I ALWAYS put people ahead of myself and never do anything that I want. Bryon taught me to do what I wanted because I wanted him and no one approved. Bryon was there to believe in what I want to do with my life and still allow me to be myself. He knew I have ambitions and never let me give up. But I did... I gave up on him. I gave up on the one person that never judged me. The person that might have been critical in a way I didn't understand at the time. But now I do. Late. Of course. He did say things harshly to were at times they hurt my feelings only because I was being such a baby about it. I have been sheltered by my parents, always thinking that I have to do what my parents say. But I don't. Not anymore. I haven't had to for two years. Honestly I feel stupid that I have let them rule my life this far. I know they think they know what is best for me but maybe what they want for my life isn't exactly what I want.

I want to be with Bryon.

I want to live with Bryon.

One day I want to marry Bryon.

This is what I want. No matter what anyone says.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Bryon's Decision

So I have realized, slowly but realized that I want to be with Bryon. I know that we make each other happy. I know that if we get back together that it could get better as long as we don't live in the past and start new. Bryon isn't sure I am never going to break up with him. SO he needs time. I talked to him today but from now on he can call me and let me know what's going on. I don't want to pressure him. I want him to make his decision on his own and whatever it is is what it should be.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Summer times

So even though bryon and I aren't together we still talk and we still have a dog together. Its like I know that I want to be with him forever but I am so young right now that I feel like I should be partying and flirting and having fun. So until I get it all out of my system I don't know when we will get back together. And if he will even take me back if I make him wait to long. I totally understand that but this is something that I have to do.

So I am still on the search for the 2nd job. I have 2 possibilities that are both really good. Either working at skyline, shut up you make good tips, or hooligans which I would make good tips at too. I know a person at each so they are both trying to get my a job. I would rather work at skyline just because its closer and I wouldn't be working with a relative. I already work with my sister at my other job.

I ordered my computer!!!!!! It will be here in like a week! They sent me what was suppose to be my flash drive today but they messed up my order and sent my a memory stick instead. So yeah that sucks.... Ugh.

Oh well at least it wasn't something important. Like the computer. I would be pissed.

This Friday me and my friend lindz are going out to Metro. So fun! Defiantly wearing flip flops though!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

WHELP

I broke up with Bryon a week ago.... and let me just say... he isn't taking it very well.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

On Vacation?????

So Its been quite awhile since I have post last, it's just that I had been really busy and now not so much. Like I am so not as busy as I was that I might get a second job so that I can pay for this:




and for this:

image hosted by ImageVenue.com

which totals up to be around 3,100 dollars in the end.

I don't just have that money lying around so I am trying and pleading with my parents to let me put in on the credit they have at the Apple Store. Which technically I could do with out there knowing but I am a good child and want them to know that its really important for school and what not.

School is out now. I did well. I have a 3.5 gpa.

Bryon and I aren't as well. We are um... On a break? On vacation? Well on vacation... Because we are still together but we aren't talking as much because we need to figure out if we want to be friends or bf and gf. There is a lot of stress in our relationship and its driving me crazy.

I got a promotion at work. So that's fun. I need to work more but our boss shortened our hours quite a bit so its hard to find hours to work which is why I think I need a small pt job somewhere else. Nothing big. Just like 12 to 16 more hours would be good. We will see!

I just hope that everything gets settled down and calm.....

maybe I do need a vacation!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

So Confused....

Something is going on with Bryon and I. Our scheduals are so completely different that i probably wont see him for 2 weeks. I am annoyed with him because he always says he'll do stuff but then never does. It really is starting to get to me. We aren't moving in together any time soon, which with how frustrated I am is fine.

He is made at me because he thinks that i assume things. I am sure I assume some stuff but I think he is really paranoid.


My family and arent really getting along either. so i dont know what to do about anything.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I survived....

Both my surgery and finals!!!!

Yeah thats right its over!!!! Well almost. I have one more final to take thursday but its kind of retarded and really easy.... so i am not stressing.


Me and Bryon are ok. We are juat really busy lately... so i dont know. Its just very hard

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Stressed out...

I know that i haven't posted in like forever but alot of stuff has been going on. This friday i have to have surgery. I haven't been feeling well lately so they did an ultra sound on me and found a mass in my gallbladder.

I am very freaked about going into surgery.

I am stressed out to the point of no return. And no one is making it easier. School is coming to an end which means final projects and no time. Bryon has been just a pain lately. At the beginning of the week he was great and loving and I dont know he just seems so pissed off all the time now and never talks to me. He always seems to want to argue with me about everything. I just don't know what to do because i dont need the extra stress right now at all.

I love Bryon and I know its a rough time but i really dont know what to do. Everyday seems like another problem. I feel like crap a lot and i normally dont even have the energy to do anything which maybe why its gotten so bad.

With that said. Bryon still wants me to move in with him. I want to as long as it would make things better. I want to move into a house. And he has finally agreed with me. I am not sure if it going to happen now though because of the health problems. I just want someone to talk to that isn't my best friend or my family member. Someone who can give me some new and refreashing advice or insight.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

What is it about me?

Ok have you ever noticed that when you find a significant other that all of the other people of the opposite sex finally see you for the wonderful and passionate person that you are? I know that Bryon and I have been having some challenging times lately because we are having trouble getting to see each other but I am still completely happy with the relationship. I don't know what its is. Maybe you are glowing because of how happy the other person makes you. Or maybe you are just more your self around other guys because as a women you feel like you don't have to compete for there attention. Its happening all around. Today in Contemporary Mass Media there is a group of sorority girls talking about how now 5 guys want to talk to her because now she is "LIKE SO IN LOVE" with this guy. And of coarse all of the other girls are like "OMG LIKE THAT SO HOW IT ALWAYS IS!".

But then I have noticed some people who notice me in a weird way. Like when I talk to my 3-D prof. Its just weird because I must say that I really suck at 3-D design and he always tells me that I am doing really well. Some how by the grace of god I have a B in that class. He is always very friendly to me and talks to me all the time. He always asks how I am doing. Its really nice and maybe he just sees that I want to do well in school and that I have passion, I am hoping because he is a great teacher but anything else would be terribly inappropriate.

Moving on... So I am in the Library Cafe right now at school. There are these two boys sitting next to me on another computer talking about women. Its kind of interesting hearing how guys perceive women. Its slights funny because it makes me wonder why women are at all threatened by men. These guys are talking about women that they use to date and how they want to help them but every other word is FUCK because they have to remain slightly moncho.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Random thoughts

I feel like the clouds are beginning to part and that the worst of the storm is over. It seems that a lot if negative things have been happening. I have come to realize that you shouldn't create drama to get noticed. It just hurts you in the long run.

Anyway, school is going well. I am actually progressing on my box that's due next Tuesday. And the fact that I know what I am doing really helps and makes it go faster.

As for my books.... Well my professor thinks I am a lot further than I really am. I still haven't really started. I have all the materials and have thought about it and planned out some stuff but I can't do because I am so afraid of making it look scrapbooky.

If Bryon and I don't go out tomorrow night I am going to work on my box, hopefully finish it so that I won't have to worry about it later. Saturday I invited Lidz and Diana over to watch sex in the city and drink. I hope they come because I think that would be fun and I know that they wouldn't mind me sitting there stringing beads. I know Diana won't since she knows how long it takes to make these things.

* side note: I am sitting in the computer lad at school right now. When I came in it was basically full of students, now I am te only one left. YAY! Other people suck!

Sunday I am hoping to see Bryon. I know I will see him sometime soon because he misses me! Hee

I need to do some research for that box project.... I need to look at the problem statement.

Next Friday I have to go to the Dr's. Not just any dr's the Urologist! Most guys cringe when hearing that word. Apparently I have something wrong with my bladder. No I don't pee the bed. But I do get very bad UTI's. The pain is outrageous.


So today me and Diana finally made it to the cafeteria today. It was ok. I am hoping that I just have cramps right now not an upset stomach. Because I really want the cramps!

So I have noticed that school really makes time go faster. Although I am really looking forward to summer. Like REALLY looking forward to summer. I want to get a new job, move out, and get a puppy. Those are my summer goals!

I think there is a gallery opening right now so I am going to go check that out. Laters!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Looking forward to summer break

So spring break is over. I didn't get to see Bryon as much as i thought i was going to. The week was kind of shitty. So much drama.

I am really hungry.

I am stuck at school.

I am really sleepy

I want to go home.

I need to work on my box, my books, and that power point.

I need to re evvaluate my priorities.

Family, school, work, Bryon & friends and sometimes Friends and bryon.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Feeling Unhelpful

Bryon is stressed and worried and I feel like there is nothing I can do.

His dad is sick

His granfather went to the hospital today

And he is having issues with seeing his three girls.

Mean while working like a dog for 12 hours a day it seems everyday.

And then trying to maintain a relationship with me.

I want to see him but there is so much stuff going on right now. I want to be there for him too. I am trying. But i don't know really what to do that will help.

Friday, March 03, 2006

New Developments

Some developments with Bryon's father have come up. All I am willing to say is that he isn't do well. Bryon says that he might have to move to Piqua where his dad lives to take care of him. So all plans of me moving in have been halted with good reason. Bryon doesn't know if he is moving or not. But he is visiting his dad practically every night.

Piqua is about an hour and a half away from me. So if he does move there then I won't be able to see him often. We have talked about it and we both want to stay together and try because we love each other.

It going to be hard. I mean when Jeff and I dated he lived 12 hours away. We only got to talk on the phone and it was horrible and it didn't work out so that's probably why I am a little scared. But the most important thing is that Bryon spends time with his dad.

Monday, February 27, 2006

I can't make anyone happy... So who cares!

Ok I feel like I need to make some things clear.

My sister DOESN'T Live on her own and probably never will. She is way too dependent on my parents and is 21 years old and is happy working full time at a pharmacy making enough money for her light load of bills. So yes I could wait for her to make up her mind and move out one day but it doesn't look like its going to happen anytime soon.

I totally understand the fact that this is such a large decision. Bryon is angry because he can't see me as much as he wants to. We have extremely busy schedules and its just something that cuts into our time together.

The fact that he lives so far away doesn't help.

Bryon has been here and done this before in a relationship so he is kind confusing. He says that he doesn't want to come between me and my family but then he get really sad when I am not around.

My family and I are.... um different. I am the "different" one. I don't tell my mom everything like my sister does and I am not as open as they all are. Which might have been why it was such a shock to my parents when I told them I wanted to move in with Bryon. Its not that we don't get along its just that we have different ways of looking at things. Which is causing problems. I believe since I work and go to school and do well in school that I should basically be able to make my own decisions and not have to hear about it from them. I am up holding my end of the bargain where I get good grades and pay my car payment. If I want to go have fun with Bryon or my friends I don't see why that's such a problem, but it is. I get 20 questions if I want to do the simplest things like go to a movie. I know that I migh tbe jumping the gun but I am almost 20 years old. My parents treat me like I am 12 and its really starting to get to me.

So in the end:

If I move in with Bryon my parents cut me completely and I don't know if I will ever feel completely comfortable around them, I know Bryan won't.

If I decide that I don't want to move in with Bryon yet then our relationship could suffer because the further I am in school the harder it get and the more time I need to put into it. Plus we will have to deal with rules and regulations my parents set.

If I move out with my sister or some friends I don't know what would happen. I don't know if my parents would continue to pay for college. I DON'T KNOW! I just want everyone to get along but apparently that's not happening!!!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

How do you know?

How do you know when you are really ready for something that is life changing?

No me and bryon ARE NOT getting married. But we have been seriously talking about me moving in around June. So serious that I told my parents about it. They are seriously pissed off now. Its life changing for me because my parents pay for everything, pretty much. The only thing that I pay for is my car and my birth control. If I move out I would have to pay for insurance and college. I would have to get a new job too because bryon lives to far away for me to keep the one I have. I know that anywhere else I would make more money. So I look at that as a good thing.

I have talked about moving out with my sister but I know that if I did that my parents would continue to pay for my college. I talked about with other boyfriends in the past but I don't think that I was ever being serious. This time I feel like its right. That I need to make my own decisions.

How do you live with the consequences of disappointing your parents?

My parents are/will be terrible disappointed if this move happens. They think that the decision is poor. Not because I am moving in with a boy but because I am moving in with Bryon. Because he is 25 years old and has three kids and apparently that's why it poor. Its poor because they don't like him or think that he isn't good enough for me. I think that's ridiculous. He is the same person with or with out three kids.

I've never really disappointed my parents. I mean I'm not perfect but I am pretty good. I just feel like I am tired of letting them guide me and that I want to do what I want to do because life is short.

I think I am stressed.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy V-day Everyone!

I know I know! Its a made up holiday about greeting cards and candy. I got diamonds though. But thats because my boyfriend is awesome.

He has another surprise for me but I don't know what it is yet. I am at school till 9 so I might not find out till tomorrow.

I need to do a lot of errands tomorrow.


Things to do:

1. Go to the Social Security office
2. Go to art store and get:
- foam core
- beads
- card stock
3. Go to goodwill and get really cheap books.
4. Work from 4-8

I have to do all that while spending time with Bryon. Hopefully he won't mind.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

A funeral

I have to go to a funeral tomorrow.

I haven't been to a funeral in like 5 years.

It will technically only be my 2nd funeral.

Its someone from my family.

My Grandpa passed away on tuesday.

How do I feel about this? I am sad. I am slightly relieved. He wasn't doing well at all. He was in terrible pain from the stroke. But he was my grandpa, basically the only one I have ever known.

My mom and sister are taking it pretty hard. I am the strong one. Which is fine. I can be the strong one again.

I know that I am going to cry tomorrow.

I know that I am not going to like it. I am scared. I am really scared to see my grandfather lying in a casket.

I am sorry for the mournful post but thats whats happened.

I am sure after everything calms down things might get back to normal....