Bah Goes The Sheep

ugh evil evil weather!!!

2009-06-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure I can blame my feverish- throbbing- achy body on the bitch that is mother nature!!

Not only is Cincinnati one of the most humid places in the summer... its also fickle... yesterday 60 and rainy... today 90 and humid... tomorrow 30 and snowing...

This is making me feel fine one day and horrible the next :(

ps I miss him.

Oh.Em.Gee!!!

2009-06-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

So I moved out on my own!!! And honestly I LOVE IT!!! True I am scared that I won't be able to pay my bills but I think I am pretty spoiled. I mean I have a nice laptop with Free Wireless internet, a brand new plasma flat screen TV and DVD player, and an apartment that has all utilities included, including free cable!

My job seems to be going well. I need to just not speak my thoughts so openly. I am trying to work on that but its hard after being able to say whatever you want for 4 years and everyone understand you.

So... ya wanna know about the beau... thats all you really care about isn't it.... well... HE IS AMAZING!!! Yay!

Everything is so new and crazy. Its just all really interesting. I am glad that I got my own place instead of moving out with my sister or waiting till I got engaged or married. Its awesome to come home and do what I want when I want how I want.

I have been on the hunt for an accent chair... nothing yet but I am bound and determined... I am also looking for a rug. I found one that I LOVE but its $129 dollars... which isn't a bad price for it but its such a large chunk of change to spend at once...

Summer Goal

2009-05-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

So the beau and I are great. :D He is leaving the day after my bday for NH for 10 weeks :( Some stupid summer thing his family HAS to do. Well he has to because until August he still lives with them.

But during these 10 weeks while he is gone I am determined to loose some weight. I mean really determined. I asked my mother to honestly tell me if I have gained weight lately and she said yes.... YES! My mother told me I am fatter! This is upsetting because I have been trying not to eat as much and I have totally cut out alcohol from my diet. I know part of the problem is my job. I use to walk around and lift things and do some physical activity but now I sit at a desk 10 hours a day and thats it... so...

My plan is to start running. No seriously.... stop laughing! I mean it!

I am going to start slow and work up to as much as I can. I would like to loose between 10-20 lbs by the time beau gets back.

Things I am going to do to help:

Stop drinking as much pop! ( I am limiting myself to 1 can of pop a day)
Stop snacking all the time!
Eat Smaller Portions
Eat healthier food!
No more fast food!

with those and running hopefully I can loose some weight! Wish me luck!

Growing up is hard to do.....

2009-03-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

So I am happy to say that I have gotten all my finances under control. I am working my way to paying everything off by December so that I can move out by January of 2010.

I have a couple of thaaaangs going on right now that I am trying to sort out. I have been offered a temporary co-op for the summer. The problem is that they want me to start now one day a week from 8 am to 5 pm. Problem is that I have a full time job already that I work at, albeit not in graphic design, but one that pays the bills and is permanent. We all know how hard it is to find a job right now. And I know that if I just do the graphic design job that I wouldn't make enough to pay my bills at all, especially not to pay them all off by January. I was going to look for a second job this summer anyway because I want my goal to really come true....

mmmkay... now my other situation is that my beau's family is religious. I am not. Only because I have yet to find a religion that has spoken to me. I feel like this could cause problems in the future. I hope not. But it might.

Other than those problems I am a pretty happy chick right now. SUPER BUSY! But happy!!!

Re- planning my Resolutions

2009-03-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

Ok. Seriously. This is the beginning of my resolutions. I am allowing myself to start over. I feel like I jumped in to fast and didn't really think about what needed to be done and how it was going to be possible for me to do it. But luckily I am a planner so I should be able to figure this all out. Form a plan and get everything I want accomplished.

The goals that I NEED to accomplish are:

1. Become more organized and clean up after myself.
2. Save money- Pay off all debt.
3. Exercise: become healthier.

I feel like I should list my obstacles so that I know what I am up against:

1. Laziness: I work 40 hours a week and go to school full time. I get one solitary day to sleep in and do nothing, so its hard to want to get up early and do stuff like exercise and clean.

2. Busy: See above.

3: Distractions: boyfriend, homework, internet, tv, sleeping. All of these things come in the way of my goals but some are more of a priority others aren't. Homework comes before everything, then probably boyfriend. Sleep is needed but I usually do that at the appropriate time. The TV and the internet are addicting and so excess able that its hard not to want to sit here all day and Google things because it WAAAY more fun than cleaning or exercising.

4. Stores/sales/wants: The money situation is because I have a tendency to make myself believe that I need something even though I really just want it. I need to stop doing this.

In the next week I hope to formulate a plan to make sure that all of these things are put in motion to become solved. Hopefully I will do this. Not just for me but for my future.

I want money! Lots and Lots of money!

2009-02-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

So far my resolutions not going to well.( I bought chinese food for dinner.) I figured after not being able to eat for three days I was entitled to some good yummy food.

Although I did pay off an entire bill today from when I was in the hospital. So one down like 5 more others.

I am thinking about figuring some system out so that all my bills will be paid off in a year. I am thinking that would take a lot of math and time, so that's not quite done yet.

I have made more work for myself buy showing my talent for art at work and now they want me to do stuff for them. (and no I don't get paid separately for it!)

Whelp! Imma gonna go watcha movie...

2009-02-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

For the past 2 days I haven't been able to eat anything. My stomach hates me apparently and I honestly don't know what I have done to it to make it act this way.

Due to the fact that I am slightly obsessed with House I usually fear that my ailment is something more than what it is (well... that's what my mother says anyway..). I think I have a bleeding ulcer or cancer of the stomach and she thinks that I have heart burn or the stomach flu.

I can kind of see stomach flu except no throwing up and the other was is fine to... but I still have the worst pain eating, even breathing kind of hurts. I constantly have a headache and am severely tired. I sometimes feel feverish and other times feel nausea. And NO I AM NOT PREGNANT! It would be immaculate conception if I was, trust me!

Other than dying I am actually very very happy. School is coming along. By new beau has really inspired me to do more studying. He brings out the good in me... so far. Not that I am thinking its going to fail I just mean it's been a week... we need time to develop are true thoughts and effects on each other. But he really has made me WANT to do my best and not just get by with my photographic memory. Obviously the beau and I are good. *sigh* I love the start of relationships... everything is so wonderful and new and happy...

Work is going well. I am really not looking forward to working 4 10 hour shifts for the rest of my life but what I am thinking is that from 6 am to 7am I will just get stuff ready for my day.. then from 3:30 pm to 4:30 pm I will get my stuff ready to leave. Muahaahaaha then its kind of like an eight hour day. Except the whole waking up at the crack of dawn.

But I do want to say that I am going to make a resolution. I need to better myself not only for me for my future... I need to be more organized AND not spend money on things I don't need.

So far the next 6 months I will:

-pack my lunch
-clean my room
-purge all clothing I don't wear
-NO FAST FOOD!!!
-No shopping for the following
~no skirts
~no dresses
~NO SHOES
~NO PURSES
( I can buy CHEAP/CLEARANCE deals of nice tops or bottoms for work purposes ONLY!!)

Goals: 1. To get into the habit of keeping things clean, always. 2. Save up enough money to pay off debt and move out!

Valentine's Day isn't so evil...

2009-02-15T10:43:00.000-08:00

***UPDATE*****UPDATE******UPDATE******

So I know like a week ago I was complaining about not having a guy in my life...

Well that stops now! I met someone. I like him, he likes me. Its new. I hope it works because even though I am 22 I am getting kind of tired of relationships not working out..

Thats all for now...

Signing Out...

Scratch n' Sniff

2009-02-11T14:22:00.000-08:00

If I were a Little Debbie I would totally be Strawberry Shortcake. Strawberry Shortcake has three very distinct layers, shortcake, whip cream, strawberry jelly... but it always come wrapped in plastic with a little piece of white board...

Don't get it do you? It's ok, I'll break it down for you:

Shortcake: Spongy, soft yet protective of its insides, sturdy and resilient.

Whip Cream: sweet, creamy, but not to sweet or too creamy...

Strawberry Jelly: tart and at times bitter and to much, like a punch in the face of flavor and color...

But when mixed together create this well constructed well balanced sweet treat.

Plastic Wrapping: Protection from the elements around it. Somewhat oppressive but allows the treat to "live" ( in other words not rot).

Little white board: its only companion and simply not strong enough to really hold the roll but it tries to the best it can.

See... I'm the roll and my parents are the white board and well the plastic is the what I do to survive and live and the shelteredness that my parents use on me so they have control over me....

or? am I reading to much into my strawberry shortcake roll?

GULP! Either way its good!

Attention Whore

2009-02-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Last year at this time I was excitedly making my way to Florida to visit one of my now disposable boyfriends. Its seems like when I look back on all the entries in this blog that I am always talking about a new boy, then talking about breaking up with said boy, then talking about how I will never find someone else, then finding someone else. Well the trend stop here my friend. Everything about the start of my last relationship was the same... great thought I would be with him forever and then we broke up, well I broke up with him... and it was the best decision of my life... I should have done it earlier.

The only thing is... I haven't found anyone new. I am usually pretty good at finding someone knew. I have liked guys... openly... got a couple nibbles on my line but then some how they unhook themselves and I am left wadding in the river with nothing but a hook and some worms...

I know that the best thing for me would be to concentrate on school and work and really just have "me" time... but lately all I really want is someone to hold me and to kiss me like I was a Big Mac and he hadn't eaten in like 7 days... I was someone to want me so much it hurts... but I want to feel the same way back. I want to have someone to just know what I want. To come up to me and put there hands around me and just not say anything, because I just want them there. I want the warmth of there body near me....

I feel like I might have broken my perpetual relationship loop but I still don't feel like I am on the right track... I feel like now I am attaching myself to any guy that pays attention to me and thats not good.

Why can't I want to just be friends with a guy with out wanting more? I feel like I am on a slippery slope to desperate-ville and honestly I don't get why. I don't want to get married any time soon. I am very independent. There are so many things that I want to do before I settle down, like:

- Go to London
- Get MY OWN apartment/place
- Get my Masters in GD
- Get a job and work my ass off
- Move to Chicago

I feel like I can't do these things while in a relationship because I would never be focused on the guy OR I would be TOO focused on the guy to do what I want. I know that you can find someone that completes you in so many ways that you make it work with whatever you have to do but I can't seem to find one of those guys. I am to nice of a person to make them change there lives for me I always change my life to accommodate them.

Even little things that I do bug the crap out of me (but I still do them!), like:

- Sit on my computer all night hoping he will get online.
- Carry my phone with my ever where just in case he calls so I won't miss it.
- Tell him "Its ok I can come over tonight." Even though I have to study for a test and have to wake up earlier than him.
- Intentionally picking things that I know he likes to do but I don't really have any interest in... like poetry. (It's sweet but I think its creepy..honestly, specially when its about you.)

I know I am not the average girl. I am rough around the edges but look like a complete angel. I am hard to handle and know what I want. I walk all over guys... I always have to have control of the situation. I always need to know where we are going and how we are going to get there...

But I have yet find someone like that. Someone that needs that or wants that... I am tired. I know I am young... but I still need some attention from time to time...

Married? Really?

2009-01-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

I have to tell you that I am sitting in my slightly dark room with only the light from my laptop and the slight gloomy light that's trying to make its way through my curtains.

Today is the most overwhelmingly emotional day of my life. I have been happy, sad, excited, mournful, nervous, sweet, caring, shocked all in one day.

If you go back into my archives of this blog you will find a chapter in my life where I dated someone named Bryon. I loved Bryon more than I had or have to this day ever loved anyone else. But due to rather unexplained circumstances we broke up. My parents didn't approve of Bryon which made things really hard.

Looking back now I wish that I would have told my parents to leave me alone. I wish I would have listened to my heard instead of doing what I thought would make them happy.

Bryon is married now. See I have been trying to get a hold of Bryon for about a year now. I sent his cousin a message on myspace to see if he would help me and he didn't respond. I search online for any information. But it didn't really lead any where.

When we broke up he wasn't in the best position in his life. He lost his job and his apartment. Everything was all over the place. Since I cared about him I was always worried that he wasn't ok. I just wanted to know that he was.

So one night not that long ago I posted a random note on a classified website, craigslist.org. I didn't think that anything would come of it to tell you the truth. But I got a reply from a nice guy that just wanted to help but didn't know Bryon. He had some connections that he could use to help me. He got me a phone number and an address but it turned out it was old and the number was disconnected. Then I got another reply from someone saying that he worked in Dayton at a pet store and that he thinks he is married. I was kind of taken aback. But I wanted to find out if was true. The second guy emailed me back telling me which store he worked at.

I haven't talked to Bryon in two years and we talked today on the phone for the first time since then. He was at work but did confirm that he was indeed married and he said that he was happy. He asked me for my number so that he could call me back later. I gave it to him but I don't know if he will call me back.

It's not like this could really go any where. He is married. I love him. I can't come between a marriage and it would be hard as hell to just be his friend.

This sucks

2008-11-25T07:30:00.000-08:00

Ok so I know its been a few months since I have posted anything but oh well I need to vent...

So a few weeks ago I allowed my sister to talk me into quiting my manager position at the little retail pharmacy to come to her huge LTC pharmacy. When I was hired I was told I would be working Friday, Saturdays, Sundays from 7am to 730pm which would have been amazing but the lady made a mistake and the shift was really from 7pm to 730am and since I had already given my two weeks at my current place of employment I decided I would try it since I only have class on tuesdays and thursdays so I should be fine... right?

NO!

The work itself is menial and laborious ( i am not afraid of labor as long as you feel like your accomplishing something.) and takes no brain activity to do. Unfortunally for me I like using my brain so I get tired and bored....

Anyway so I worked my first shift and was completely wiped out... completely... monday I slept all day and couldn't get out of bed to save my life. I had a splitting headache and decided i would just continue to sleep all day...

I woke up tuesday in pain and aggony and stayed home all day from school because I couldn't move... I got up on wednesday and went to the doctor because I was really feeling terrible and they sent me to the emergency room to get a lumbar puncture because they thought that I had spiral menigitis. I didn't have it but I had some viral something that made me so sick that I had to stay home from work and school till the following tuesday.

I have recently talked to my employer about switching my schedual to days and they said no so I have to find a new job in the next week and a half...

I am feeling really screwed... I should have just stayed at The pharmacy. I know that i would of had to leave there eventually but I kind of had it made in the shade. I liked what I did and it wasn't as stressful as this...

The only problem with that place was that I didn't get paid enough... at all. but now i am probably going to have to settle for a job at McDonalds so that I can make some kind of income...
________________________

In other news...

I woke up this morning feeling like I had drunk myself under the table, which i hadn't. My head is pounding... my stomach is sooooooo upset... ugh. I don't know.

I am at school right now waiting to find out if I have this portfolio things due today. If not I am leaving and going home to sleep. I really need to go apply for jobs but i am so freaking tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

Stewie....

2008-06-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Oh Stewie Stewie Stewie..

The dog is insane. So far he has tried to kill himself twice and ran away once. And now he refuses to take a crap because we've been home so he can't poop in the living room like he wants to... so far its been 36 hours and counting.

As for the suicidal acts the first time he was tide up on his lead outside and kept jumping up and down threw the slats in the porch and ended up almost hanging himself. So we moved the lead to the other side where he then proceeded to run as fast as he could over over almost snapping his neck.

He has to be the weirdest dog I have ever owned.

Long Time No Talk

2008-06-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

I know that I have been gone for about forever but I am feeling a little bloggey so I decided what the hell... for old times sake I'll write a post.

So my life is as boring as it has ever been.

Yes I am still in college and I doubt that I will ever graduate although I am hoping (hoping!) that I will in a year.

I have a boyfriend who is great.

I have a new dog who is psycho. Literally. The other day he tried to kill himself. Yeah I don't know.

So I have been promoted at the job that I have had for almost 4 years now. I am considered a manager I think. hee hee!

I need a new wholesaler if anyone is interested let me know.

I need a couch. I moved. I have no couch. Its hard to watch tv on the floor.

I found the perfect couch today at design within reach warehouse but it was $1500 dollars and yeah... no.

I am addicted to Republic of Tea Super fruit Pomegranate Green Tea. Its simply amazing. And only for a limited time! Bullshit I tell you!

I am thinking about moving to Chicago. After I graduate. I decided why the hell not. It will only help me I think. It will be hard and I will cry but I will feel so much better once I've made it. I think.

I hope.

That's all.

Fuck me like you hate me...

2007-12-03T20:54:00.000-08:00

So i feel real sick...

uuuuuuughhmmmmmm

Seriously i might throw up...

dude.... uuuuuughh....

I hate school. real bad right now. this. sucks.

So I am at school right now trying desperately to finish my screenprinting project thats due thursday and I feel like this is never going to end... its disgusting how behind I am ....

What is wrong with me this semester?

FUUUUUUUCKK!!

...Yes it goes on and on my friends....

2007-11-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

It's like the bad dream that will never end. It's like he knows when to go to the cafateria when I am on break. The bad part is the fact that I care. I am so frustrated with the situation between us that I might throw up on myself. Today is worse than others because I have had no sleep in the last 40 hours and my emotional grip is slipping. I need to find strength in something because it's really bothering me. I want to have that closure type talk with him because I have so much pint up frustration and anger and sadness that I feel like if I don't do something about it I will always feel this way and that is not something I am willing to do.

My eyes hurt. I miss his touch and the warmth of him body next to me. Is that bad now?

---------------------------------

Although this is all going on work isn't getting much better.

--------

I just found out that I have to hand in a 3 page paper tomorrow at 6. Fantastic!

I will continue this depressing post later....

I can fake it with the best of them all

2007-11-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

I know that I haven't posted in a while but honestly there wasn't much to post. But lately I have felt like I have had a lot on my mind and that I need to vent somewhere.

So it finally happened. I ran into boy today at school I have been dreading it happening since we broke up. It was a good thing that SHE wasn't with or it would have been way worse. Katie said that I handled the situation well. So have my sister and Tony. I wish that I could have punched him in the face but I guess it was best that I didn't... I do feel that he should learn something out of this. Maybe that the world doesn't revolve around him. He can be so selfish at times and I think that he really needs to grow up. After high school things change. It's not all black and white anymore. People have relationships with no title because that's what works and if you are that insecure that you have to have the title as boyfriend and girlfriend then you really aren't mature enough to know how a relationship works in the first place. I love how people think it's that easy. That you can just say "hey your my girlfriend" and live happily ever after. I feel like there needs to be steps up to that point. You get to know each other, become friends, date, and then maybe for some kind of commitment after you feel like you can trust this person and that you are a good fit. I don't understand why everyone is jumping into marriage so early. Thinking that 6 months to a year is sufficant amount of time to get to know each other for life. I know I have trust issues but some of these are just 18-22 years olds that haven't even experienced things in life and are giving potential futures to get married and pop out kids. I really hate it.

My friend Lindz is like my best friend except that lately I feel very detached from her. I know that she is busy since she has 2 jobs. But I feel like she is either A.) Purposely hanging out with David and Richard so she doesn't have to hang out with me, B.) is mad at me for something, or C.) is cheating on Alex with David. And not telling me about it.

It's just that she is always along with David all of the time. Its really weird. And there phone conversations are strange too. It's like she tries to hard to hide that they might be doing something. I am not sure what to do in this situation so I just haven't been calling her as much and blowing everything off. She did call me the other day to do something so we went to best buy but it was weird. I asked her about Alex and she was like "I don't really talk to him that much anymore" which is odd since he is her boyfriend. But anyway, she kept talking about David, which is whatever and we had fun like we always do.... but this friday there is a concert at bogarts for The Rocket Summer and its her favorite band so I told her about it yesterday when I found out and she was stoked but I was at work so I couldn't talk very long. I tried to call he later, twice, and she didn't answer or call me back. So today I called her to tell her about the boy thing but I never got to it. She said that she would call me back later but I highly doubt that she will. I might be over analyzing it but it does bother me.

Over all though life is ok. School is almost over. I am so ready. I got contacts which makes me feel more attractive. I am working on getting either a new job or a second one for extra money. My schedual next smester is insane. Maybe everything will turn out for the best. I hope so.

2007-10-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

HUGE project due Thursday. This project is so big that I am spending the night at my friends house 2 nights in a row like 3 days before its due!

Hopefully we actually get some work done.

We will probably end up talking about our life "problems", drink, smoke, and sleep. Ahhh sounds amazing.

We have a problem actually getting thing finished ahead of time. It's what we do!

------------------------------------------------------

In more serious news...

I am tense. Frustrated. Ok I'm not gonna lie. I am a lil pissed.

But I guess it's because I care.

We will see.

I'll take the truth at any cost

2007-10-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

The stuff that has happened in the last 24 hours has been so all over the place.

First happiness, then despair.

Happiness from a surprise. Someone who has always been my friend, but always so much more.

Despair from the ex.

2 hours of sleep. I don't even know how to handle this situation. What should I do?

Taking Chances...

2007-10-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

What I have been feeling this past week is just a huge range of emotions. I feel like I am sitting on a fence about some of them. I really need to put some of my feelings into perspective just so that I can move on. I just don't know how to go about that. I like feel happy and have been doing something lately that I normally wouldn't due. I am proud of myself for that. I just don't understand why I keep getting tested on somethings.

I want some resolution in my life.

I really hate being single. Its so hard. I hate that I feel like I need someone to be there but I do.

Are You Happy Now?

2007-10-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on my way home from school I was listening to 94.9 the sound and they played Michelle Branch's "Are You Happy Now?". At this "time" in my life I feel that this song represents what I am going through:

"Are You Happy Now?"

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care... yeah, yeah, yeah

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care, yeah, yeah yeah,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now, oohh oohhh
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now? yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself

Could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced,
are you happy now? Ohhh, ohhhh
are you happy now?

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now, ohhh, ohhh
Are you happy now?

I just can't wait to get to the point where I can say "Cause I'm Happy Now!" I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it, how I was going to react but I have to say that this is a little different than normal. I am protecting myself a lot. I know what I need to do so nothing makes it worse basically. And honestly thats way way better than what I would normally do.

Ignorance is Bliss, cherish it!

2007-10-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

So I found out some news that I honestly didn't want to know at all. Life would have been so much better if I just could walk through life right now ignorant of what is going on.

The boy that I was dating is now dating the girl I refused to be friends with.

Yeah. Life is funny like that I guess.

All I have to say is Karma is a bitch. And it usually comes back 10 fold.

I'm just sayin'

Semi mid life crisis

2007-09-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am so overwhelmed right now that I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sleep and watch TV. I am so frustrated!!!!!!

There are so many things that are bothering me. Between family life, work, and school. I just want to fall over. And as for my personal life. It's just not existent. I know that I just got out of a relationship and that I should probably not start anything serious but I really just want to flirt with a guy. I want some attention.

As for the whole Kevin thing..... I don't even know what to say except First time shame on him, Second time shame on me. I should of know. I want to believe that people change and become better people but sometimes they don't. I can't do anything about that. I am starting to worry though. The older that I get it seems the less guys seem to be attracted or where we are in a position to get to know each other good enough to start to like each other. Like at school I am basically in classes with all different people all day. I know some of them but not outside of school. The ones that I do know have significant others.

ugh!!!!!!!!!

And I can't talk about it....

2007-09-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

So as for Boy and I ... he doesn't exist to me. That's the way it has to be so that I can feel good and become the person I want to become. Thats it the end of that subject!

Update****

School: Hard. Lots of homework. I love it!

Work: Sucks. Looking for a new job. Have an interview monday!!!!

You'd probably move right through me... on my way to you...

2007-09-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

So... Boy and I were suppose to go to school on Sunday to do homework, but he canceled on me because he had to much homework to do. Is anyone else confused by that?

So I got pissed and didn't call him back. I went out with Lindsey and we were doing something. I asked her if she would go with me on Sunday (today) to Boy's concert. She said yes of course but to see what time they were playing to make sure we could make it. So I called Kevin and asked him and he wasn't sure. We ended up having a long conversations, ending up with us making plans to go to lunch the next day.

I was so scared because I didn't know if I could handle it. I was so emotional with him whenever we just talked on the phone. I hadn't seen him in over a month and had basically just came to terms with the fact that I need him.

My friend Katie told me," Know what you want to say and do not cry." I felt that she was right. When I first saw him walking toward me I could feel the tears welling up. I knew that I had to be strong. I didn't talk much at first because I all could think about was us and wanting to be with him. When I did talk to him about I tried to pick my words very carefully and I was holding back tears. But eventually they just started streaming down my face. I couldn't stop them, it was so hard. In the end, the conversation was a mess but it seemed that he honestly doesn't know what he wants.

I told him that I would go to his show on Sunday. He called me yesterday and left a weird message on my phone. He was all upset and cussing. He was like " I am so over this, I don't even fucking care, NOT YOU, with Justin and the band, uh never mind I'll just talk to you later" So I called him back to see what the problem was. He said that the show was still on and that he wanted to see me there. He was really upset and pissed. He exploded about that whole situation to me. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation. But honestly I think I handled well and in the best was possible. He called me later to tell me that the concert was off, that he was fed up wit the band and that he doesn't even think that he was going to band practice.

I was disappointed because I really wanted to go. I looked on line and it still says that they are playing there. So I am confused. Like I doubt that Boy would lie and cause all of that drama for nothing. But why haven't they let anyone else know that the show is canceled? Maybe I am over thinking the whole thing. I am not sure. I hope so...

You left a hole where my heart should be...

2007-09-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

LuvArtGrl (7:30:03 PM): yeah

LuvArtGrl (7:30:14 PM): so i have to tell you the truth about something

labelme so savvy (7:30:29 PM): go for it

LuvArtGrl (7:30:36 PM): you are probably not going to understand why i need to tell you this but i have to

labelme so savvy (7:30:51 PM): thats okay. its not always necessary to understand

LuvArtGrl (7:31:29 PM): i probably let you believe that I didn't like Kevin as much as I actually did and do. I probably didn't let myself believe it

LuvArtGrl (7:31:57 PM): i want you to know that although he might be a little needy from time to time that he isn't a bad guy at all

LuvArtGrl (7:32:27 PM): i shouldn't of cared so much about what people thought, and I should of trusted how i felt instead of being afraid to get hurt again

LuvArtGrl (7:32:36 PM): thats my fault and I have to deal with it

LuvArtGrl (7:33:00 PM): I just want you to know the truth, and for you to not totally dislike kevin

labelme so savvy (7:33:52 PM): okay. i honestly dont even know him well enough to say i dislike. and im glad youre following your feelings, i encourage that.

LuvArtGrl (7:34:35 PM): i'm not following anything

LuvArtGrl (7:34:46 PM): before thursday i hadn't talked to kevin in 3 weeks

LuvArtGrl (7:35:14 PM): and after the message he left on my cell phone yesterday i probably won't talk to him until he calls me if he ever does

LuvArtGrl (7:35:54 PM): i just needed to tell you... it felt important to me to let you know the truth and so that maybe actually saying it will make me realize the truth myself

labelme so savvy (7:36:38 PM): well im glad you told me then. and im always here to listen

LuvArtGrl (7:37:31 PM): Last time Kevin and I dated it took me over a year to get over it. I am not letting that happen this time. I want to set the record straight and deal with this head on. The hardest part in all of this is that I can't do that with Kevin in my life. Doesn't that suck?

2007-09-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I did it even though I knew I shouldn't have.

I called him.

We Talked.

I cried.

He almost cried.

It sucked.

He was slightly mean on somethings.

I don't know what to do.

Life sucks.

BAD!

Evolution....

2007-09-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

I need some perspective and my blog, out of everything and everyone else, was the one who showed it to me. I searched my labels with BOY and read them... Am I upset because I love him? Yes Am I upset because we don't talk? Yes Am I upset because we aren't together? Kind of. I am still not sure if I want to be in such a serious commitment with him. He is so possessive sometimes. But Then again I miss him to the point of hurting... I guess I will just keep doing what I've been doing and NOT look at his facebook. And Not call him. And just do homework all the time.... sounds good to me, because then I don't feel like complete and utter shit.

I put my faith in you, SO much Faith in you...

2007-09-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

I feel nauseas.

For two reasons:

1. because i am sick with a horrible stomach virus and ate food that made it worse.
2 because i looked at BOYS facebook and some chick wrote that she wanted to eat food with him and then put ;) at the end of it.

I would like to kick her ass. I know I am not his girlfriend anymore and I also know that I shouldn't do anything. I have done so well so far. I haven't talked to him in 2 and a half weeks... I thought that I wouldn't care as much but I could really cry. I just feel like I knew this would happen. I totally fucking called it. He always talks to all these whorish girls. One one week. Then one the next. None of them ever stick. I am the only one who sticks. I am pissed off that he doesn't see that. I really wish someone would say to him: "dude kevin, seriously jeanie." Like thats it. He should get it from that. I am flustered. I want to call him but I can't. Everytime I think about calling him its a bad time. He is most likely at the fireworks with his friend E. or with some chick eat SOMETHING! I don't mean to be all possessive or anything but I invested so much time and love and effort to making it work that now it feels like a waste. I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know. I feel horrible. I wish I hadn't looked.

Born For This

2007-08-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

So I have been sick for the past 3 days. Yesterday it got so bad that I had to go to the emergency room for 5 hours. It sucked so freaking much. I am honestly not really feeling that much better but I am so sick of being sick that I am just going to act like I am fine. Emergency rooms are so disgusting and so not private! I was right nest to a lady who kept coughing and blowing her nose and puking. There was a thin see through curtain that didn't even cover the whole room. The only good part about the whole experience was the cute cute Cute! nurse guy that took my blood. He had to be around my age. He was nice and so hot. Which is his job but whatever I will take when he said " Good luck to you. I hope you get better." As flirting. I NEED SOMETHING! My life sucks right now... SO THERE!

Ya get what ya need! Oh yeah!

2007-08-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

I went to work this morning feeling like crap. I asked if I could leave because I really felt ill. So they let me and I went to the doctor and he said that I have a stomach virus. I am on meds now but I still feel horrible.

I don't know if it's all the time on my hands today since all I have done is sleep and lay around or because I am just having a bad day, but I miss boy so much it hurts. When ever I think of him tears well up in my eyes. I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. It sucks because it's not like he is calling me either. I guess he can just go on and not care. I am trying to do what I think is right but I want to talk to him so bad. I am afraid to call him because it would make me feel bad if he didn't answer or if he answered and was having fun and there were girls in the background. That's why I won't go to his shows either. I want to hug him and kiss him. I want him to realize why all of this happened in the first place.

I guess you really can't always get what you want. But hopefully I will get what I need soon, so that I feel bad.

The camera is lying....

2007-08-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

The post below is, obliviously, from 8/13 but my laptop is having some problems so I couldn't post it till now. I think that I have managed quite well with my plan. Boy and I saw each other once since then and I haven't talk to him since that day. It sucks don't get me wrong. But I have managed to keep myself occupied. School has started and its a bitch. But I am liking what I am doing. I think about calling him a lot but not as much as I thought that I would. Which makes it easier for me not to.

I think something is wrong with me. Over the summer I had a lot of test done. But nothing showed and I felt like I could just deal, but I can't. The pain is intense and I really just want it to go away.

Oldie but a Goodie!

2007-08-26T21:03:00.001-07:00

08/13/07

Lately I have been feeling horrible. I have actually kept a lot of the feelings to myself this time where as in the past I have just been so over emotional and basically wore my heart on my sleeve. I feel like I have no one real in my life. Nothing that is completely constant. Kevin was my constant until now where it has become to hard to talk to him. I ALWAYS get upset every single time I talk to him. I try my damnedest not to. But I can not help it. So I have decided that I am going to work toward goals that will help me get my mind off of it all. I think that maybe if I indulge myself into something that I can be proud of in the end, that I have total control over that I will be happy with whatever the result is. I have decided to stay single and throw myself into work and school completely. I have a full work load this semester and even though I only go 3 days a week the classes that I have a mass hard. Its getting to the point in my life where I need to buckle down and be like, " I am in college for a reason!" I feel like even though I am not the worst at what I do I am not the best either and this is where it counts. I need to be the best. My field of choice is extremely competitive. I want to be 21 and have fun and be able to do everything but I want to also have my priorities straight. I know that I have been in some sort of relationship for the past 3 to 4 years. I need a break. I need to do well. If I find that I have time on my hands maybe I will get another job some where. Like a boutique or something. I want to live my dream and become the person that I see that I am in my head. I don't want to continue to look back and be like "damn why didn't I do that". When I was thinking it all along. I want to write down everything that I think of to do and try and make it work.. I don't want to be lazy anymore. I want to loose weight. I want to dress that way I want to dress. I want to do what I want to do. I want to buy what I want to buy. I want to design what I want to design. I hate that in this world we are so judgmental of everything. Of things that everyone does. Sometimes I wish that we were more open to things. I want to continue to paint. I want to continue to expand my knowledge on things that might be interesting to just me. I want to tear out every single thing in a magazine that I love and tack it to my walls. I want to know that I can be alone and be fine... I really want the feeling of needing him to go away. I broke up with him.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to makes plans for myself everyday, ahead of time. So I always have something to do. So that maybe I can feel better.

Venting!

2007-08-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am so pissed off. Yesterday boy had a concert and even though we aren't together anymore he always calls everyone to come. But did I get a call yesterday? Nope! Apparently he didn't care if I was there or not. He is the one that wants to be friends so fucking bad but yet NOTHING! Whatever! I am so frustrated with everything. School is horrid. Its so overwhelming. Then work is so stressful right now. I feel like I could fall over. I am so tired. I am sick. My chest feels like it could cave in on itself.

I haven't talk to boy in over a week. I don't want to be the one that calls him. I can do that only because I am so busy. I want to go out with all of my friends (girls) and drink and have fun and not have to worry about anything. Just have fun. I can't continue to worry about what he is doing or who he is doing or what. It just makes me so upset.

I am just so uncertain about everything and I hate it so much! :(

People suck!

2007-08-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

I have a post sitting on my laptop but its not working right now so in the mean time....

People suck. I have helped 3 people today out of the kindness of my heart and all I get in return is CRAP. This is why I won't be nice to people.

Today is the first day of my classes and something has got to give. I don't know if I can handle all of these classes.

People are just full of themselves!

Frustrated

2007-08-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

So I went out tonight with Lindz. I am glad that I did something but as soon as I walked in the door I thought about the boy. It's when I am alone that I can't let go. It wasn't that bad tonight until one of the guys that I have kissed in the past brought a girl and was making out with he the whole time. It was awkward but I understood since I know that this guy and I aren't going to do anything ever again, probably. It didn't bother me that he was kissing a girl, it was just weird that they did it in front of everyone. It was a lil odd. Tomorrow I have to go to a wedding and do makeup and hair. I am happy to go but I wish that I didn't have to go so early. At least I will be busy for most of the day.

Things I need to do:

1. Iron dress.
2. Do hair and makeup.
3. Change purse.
4. pack flat iron and makeup.
5. Get a gift of some sort.
6. Pick up Lindz.
7. uh eat?

I am just aggravated hard core about everything. I miss talking to Kevin and this time because he always let me vent about crap. I don't want to call him and bitch, even though I know he would listen, because I don't want him to get the wrong impression that I am fine yet. I don't know! GOD! ahhhh! Anyway..

My head is pounding so I am going to get go to bed...

Break...

2007-08-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP! IN LIKE 2 AND HALF DAYS I WILL BE GETTING READY TO FLY TO NEW YORK!!!!

I am really excited about it.

About the boy: Well we had come to a conclusion that we were going to be friends and what not since we were hanging out and it was ok. But he kept calling me and stuff just like when we dated and I didn't understand, it was just confusing for me. So i asked him about it and we got in a huge fight where I was telling him to shut up and he was like I am not talking to you. So I just hung up. I felt horrible so I called and left a message on his cell phone saying I was sorry for being mean and that it was out of character but I think I need time to transition from girlfriend to friend. And that maybe we can talk when I get back from new york. He called me back when I was at work and he was like it's ok. We will talk when you get back or whatever.

I am kind of hoping that I won't want to talk to him when I get back. But we will see.

I am on vacation this whole week! I am so excited to because I need a break.

2007-08-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

So I will be leaving in a week to go to New York City!!!

Don't be fooled by those exclamation points they are merely there to show intensity not that I am happy.I mean I am happy about going but I feel so blah still. Like its weird. I am normal. I haven't cried about it or anything. I understand the whole situation. I get it. But I feel weird. He was my best friend. I talked to him every day and now he isn't there anymore. What am I suppose to do? Just suck it up and talk to him about other things even though I would get upset. I just don't feel right. I think that I have made a personal goal for myself.

I will try to attempt to either get over him by going to new york and working and going back to school all before his next show which isn't till August 23. I figure I can either go to the show still liking him, go to the show just for support of his music but be over him and not care if he macks on other chicks, or not go to the show at all because I don't want to see him mack on other chicks or not go because I am just to busy with other things and I don't need him. I don't even know which one sounds the most desirable out of those options.

I know what all of you bloggers are thinking. That I only use this blog when I have relationship problems. And you are correct. But it helps to vent to somethings that either can leave an insightful comment or say nothing so that I can make my mind up myself. I am easily attempted to take my friends advice because they know me. I am not so easy to take that of people I don't know. But sometimes they are the ones who see the big picture. Because they have no part in it.

I don't know what I am yabbering on about.

Tomorrow is my last day of painting class. I am so happy. I totally did my last painting in like an hour and t totally resembles that. I am so freaking sick of the class I just want out!

And the beat goes on...

2007-07-31T18:48:00.000-07:00

So work was interesting today. Apparently they had a lil meeting in the back and when they came out one person quit and my boss had cried. I don't know if he really cried, but that what they said. I was like, Oh great! I had to talk to my boss today about all of the changes that we are making. But actually it all went rather well. So that was good.

Even though work went well I still feel empty. I keep thinking about him. I want to call and talk to him like we did everyday. But I guess I just can't do that right now. I mean i want to so bad but I'll just get upset and I don't really feel like crying.

Is Adsense worth signing up for? I mean do you actually make anything off of this?

Defeated

2007-07-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

I feel defeated. I have to want to do anything. I came really early to painting class so that I could catch up but I honestly just don't care. I will probably leave early today too once I get a background on my portrait. I figure I'll just do the other one at home. I don't want to be here at all. I went down by the lake to smoke and all I could think about is him. My eyes burn even though I haven't cried. I am tired and sick and I really hate it. I feel like he has said everything bad that he could ever think of and made me feel like a complete nobody. I know that wasn't his intention that he is trying to say what is right, but honestly all I want to hear is that he is upset to. And trust me he isn't acting like it. I don't know why I alway get this upset of him. I never got this upset over Bryon and I thought that I could marry him one day. I don't understand the way I am feeling. I was the one that broke up with him. But yet I feel like the dumpy. I feel like even though I said the words "This isn't working". He was the one that said "I know. I understand. Fine." Like he should of said "We can work it out." Or try something. But he didn't. I think that he is delusional about what he wants in a women. I feel like he does need to grow up and learn things. I know that we are both young. But he has is life planned out to the day and he doesn't even understand what half of it is or means. He is responsible enough to get it. Or mature enough to handle it. I know that I am pissed and unhappy and I am not trying to make myself sound better or anything but that is the truth. Everyone who knows him understands that he is just immature about relationships. It just sucks that he wouldn't listen.

And so it continues....

2007-07-30T17:41:00.001-07:00

I feel like shit...

My stomach feels like its eating it self from the inside out. I feel hopeless. This trip to New York is coming at a great time I guess. I need to get away and clear my head.

My best friend, Lindz, and I are going to New York for 5 days. We are going to SHOP our asses off! And it's going to be so much freaking fun. I am so stoked.

Before I leave though I want to get my hair cut. I want to get it cut really alternative. I honestly don't care how short it is or what color. I just don't want my work to get mad or anything. So far I haven't found anything that I really love but I am hoping that if I find the right stylist that it will all come together.

Pissed Off!

2007-07-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am pissed off.

Why when you break up with someone do they automatically go out and HANG OUT WITH CHICKS! Its not like I don't still have feelings for him and its just that it wasn't working out with us. How can you fucking say you love someone and then just because we aren't dating anymore you can just go out and flirt and dick around with some chicks. He does the every time and it usually pisses me off so much that I confront him about and then we get back together. FUCK!

Why do guys do that?

Should I go out and whore myself? I don't even know if that would make me feel better.

Honey, I'm home.

2007-03-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry, life has been so bust lately that I haven't had time to post anything. Still don't really.

I have an opportunity to get a internship with P&G. Which is amazing all in its own.

I am technically suppose to be taking notes for music class right now but I never do.

The boy and I are ok... we aren't "Together" but whatever we are what we are.

I have to pee....

boring!

2007-02-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

ugh... what to do?

My life needs something. I am bored. I need some..... THING damn it! I don't know what. School is boring as hell. Spring break is next week, so yay!

I got a call on saturday from 5/3 bank because they want to interview me for a job. It's a weekend job. From 6 am to 4 pm. Wait! Before you totally write it off just let me tell you that this company is awesome to work for if you are a good worker. I think I am going to just go to the interview and see how it goes. My mother told me to mention that fact that if they are willing to work with me school schedual i would be willing to only work there.

well wish me luck even if you think its a bad idea...

Home Sweet Home

2007-02-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

Life is complicated right now. I am 20 years old, almost 21. I am in between the comfort of living in my parent's home and the really wanting to be on my own. The wanting to be on my own is getting ridiculous. Not because my home life is miserable, because it really isn't. It's just that I personally want my own space. I want to make my own rules and do my own thing. I have thought really hard about making a decision for my future and although this might hinder my ability to move out soon I have decided to by pass the whole renting an apartment and buy a place. I think renting is a waste of money, honestly. I want to be able to renovate the place to what i like and not live is a stark white box.

I say place because what I want to buy isn't a house. It use to be a church a really long time ago and recently was used as a daycare. It's right down the street from my parents house. Its an amazing building from the outside and honestly the price isn't bad. I, being naive, thought that as long as i could save enough money for the 20% that it would be in the bag. But since I am 20 and still in college and only have a part time job my parents told me that there is really no way in hell that I can do it. Boy said that he was interested in it if we could buy it together but we aren't in that place since we aren't even together, which is difficult to explain.

My mom asked my dad if his business would invest in it and rent it to me and he said "well we can go look at it." which isn't a no, but isn't a yes either. So I am making a appointment with the realtor Monday. I am excited but expecting the worst.

2007-01-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

My job is getting really annoying. Lets just say that there is a certain co-worker that doesn't deserve the job that they have. And because of another co-worker whom that person is related to has the job that they do have. And the fact that I and other people have worked there longer and deserve such job doesn't seem to matter. I had a day where i was not in the best mood... and apparently even though other people can have these days all the time, I can not. I even stayed to help out since my boss is out sick and I got yelled at. I don't get that at all. So I am starting to look else where for a job. Becuase I want to work somewhere that I can grow and get more responsibility.

GRRRRR!

Anyway me and the boy broke up. yeah. It was my doing, I just need some time to figure out what i want.

I am so busy with school and what not that I need to do this first.

moving on...

so school has been BLUCK to say the least because I just don't give a shit for some reason. None of my classes right now really pertain to my major so they arent fun or exciting in any way.

Otherwise life is good though. I get paid tomorrow and it better be decent or i will get pissed, for real this time.

Are you sure or unsure?

2007-01-18T07:21:00.000-08:00

In approx. 8 hours I will be free to start my weekend. Is it bad that I look forward to Thrusdays so much? Not only is it my short day at school but it is also my last until monday.

Today is probably going to suck... i have a paper due in english, i did it i just don't really know how good it is because I also had to do a listening assignment for music and 15 hand sketches for drawing all due today... I just finished my hand drawing.. and honestly they aren't that bad... good thing I'm an artist.

So the Pharm screwed up my check yesterday. How hard is it for an accountant to keep track of like 20 employees? Not hard. I work the same thing every single week. SO! Every two weeks my check is exactly the same... oh no not this week... ugh so pissed off. I wouldn't care if I had loads and loads of money but.. I DONT!

In other news, the other day when I was at school I kept smelling something that smelled like BO and I didn't think i was me since I had put deotorant on and my favorite spray.. but still i kept smelling something... it would come and go... and get stronger and lighter... I kept smelling myself just in case but nothing! It wasn't until i was about to go home and got in the elevator that I realized it was the elevator that smelled like BO not me. Maybe it was the craped space that made it smell so bad, or the probably unsanitary things people do in elevators that gave it it's odor.. i am not sure but I must say it was disgusting... even though i know now that it's the elevator and not me I now carry spray with me at all times.

Oh yeah bout that job... I decided it would be to hard with my schedual. So I will just stick with the Pharm until I can get an outgragious Graphic Design job!

New Job??

2007-01-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

So I went to the coffee shop yesterday with Summe and was looking through a free city paper. I happened to look at the help wanted section and noticed that they were looking for "Alarm Dispatchers" for the weekends only. I decided that it was a sign because well I need money so that I can eventually move out. I also need money because basically I am poor. My parents pay for a lot of stuff but I just and want to pay for things myself. So the problem is this: I already have a job at the Pharmacy and I just got a raise but not a raise to the point where is makes a difference. I go to school full time and have lots and lots of homework. The new job is 24 hours a week at 9 dollars an hour which is like around $200 extra dollars a week which would really help ALOT. If I got this job my schedual would go like this:

Mondays: work at pharm 9-5; School 6-9

Tuesdays: School 12-9

Wednesday: work Pharm 9-5; school 6-9

Thursday: School 12-6

Friday: work at pharm 9-2; alarm dispatch 3-11

Saturday: Work at pharm 9-1; alarm dispatch 3-11

Sunday: Alarm dispatch 3-11

So I would have NO free time and limited time at all to sleep and do homework... I just want to see what the job actually entails before I just write it off. If its a really boring job where I can sit and do my homework then I am perfectly fine with it. If its an extremely stressful job that is really hard and occupies to much of my time then forget it I will make due with what i make now.

ugh! I just don't know what to do!

2007-01-13T11:22:00.000-08:00

I tried to post probably about a month ago but I had some technical diffuculties because I was also trying to change my blog template. I have decided on a very basic template for right now. I just really need to be able to write again.

So I don't know if you heard but I passed my Graphic Design Remittance Review. So i was happy about that. I got good marks in everything. I am looking forward to doing a co-op this summer, hopefully, with my friend Andrew.

School is back in session and my course load is not difficult but nothing that I find fun. I am taking my advanced drawing class, music of world cultures, basic photo for GD majors, Advanced writing (bluck!), and Survey of Western Art II.

I have a paper due this thursday for my english class, but luckly I dont have class mon or fri of next week.

------------------

I had a creepy dream last night. It wasn't that the dream itself was creepy, it was how real the dream felt. I wanted it to be real so bad I guess. Anyway I was just weird.

------------------

So the boy and I are ok. We have are misuderstandings but i suppose everything is ok for now. Its just that sometimes I really miss him and want to hang out with him but other times I don't and I dont really care. I mean i know that sounds mean but I am a very independent person. I want to be able to do things by myself too. I don't know, maybe i am just weird.

Well I am glad to be back!

MOTHER F*CKER!

2006-11-28T10:13:00.001-08:00

I. have. to. much. shit. to. do.

ahhhhh!

I have to write a paper for history class which I forgot about and is due thursday. Of course its about a topic I know nothing about, the rise and fall of the roman empire. Yeah this is going to be great.

I have to make a 3D model of an art gallery and make my book for Typography.

I then have GRAPHIC DESIGN REMINTENCE REVIEW ON DEC. 14TH AND 10:30 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AM I EXCITED? NO! ugh!

I am nervous. I don't know about all of this crap. No other major has to see if you qualify. I have the grades now its just a matter if they like me??? That seems rediculous. Who cares if they like me that personal and my future shouldnt be held in the hands of someones personal oppinions of me.

F*UCK!

--------------------------

I am really hungry. need foood.

I guess I just need to do it. This weekend is packed full of stuff. I work on friday and then am going out with the boy. Saturday I am working 9am to 8 pm because i am crazy. Then Saturday night i am going to the CLUB with lindz and am really excited about it. I then have my work xmas party sunday and the bowling alley till 330 then have to go to NKU to work with group members on 3D art piece.

sigh.....

Busy Busy Busy

2006-11-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have been overwhelmed with work and school and the boy that I haven't posted in forever. School is winding down but I have so much to do. This weekend I hope to do the following for school:

1. Redo Computer Graphic project
2. Fix Graphic and Type projects
3. Work on Type Book
4. Go to Hobby Lobby for miniture furniture for model

I have stuff to do for work too:

1. Finish the logo for our t-shirts *sigh*
2. Get my evaluation and hopefully my raise.
3. Decorate for Christmas

Then I have random stuff to do as well:

1. Work on SOR Logo
2. Work on Bike Jersey
3. Laundry
4. Clean out my car
5. GO SHOPPING!

Overall everything is going well. Just really stressed out about the Graphic Design Remintence Review in like 3 weeks! UGH! I am nervous.... just nervous... bluck!

stressed and tired

2006-11-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

I am overly stressed out. I have so much stuff to do. My Graphic Design Remitance review is coming up and I have to get all of my stuff ready. I have to fix everything and make it look better and then print it all out and then mat it.

Today or tomorrow I have to go back to the store and get a different dress for the wedding I am going to on saturday because the one I have is red and there is some "rule" that says you shouldnt wear red to a wedding although it took me forever to find this dress so I doubt I will be able to find something else.

I need to also go to the used book store and get either cather and the rye or grapes of wrath or something i can't remember for the life of me which one it is.

uugh its 12:22 pm and i am still half a sleep. I can't wake up today. I need coffee or something. Maybe its because my history profs voice is soooooo monotone droning.

The only reason I came to class today was because he said that he was giving an assignment otherwise I would be shopping right now... I know that sounds bad but he doesn't take attendence and its history and that never changes so i can just read about it later...

Money Money Money

2006-11-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

I have decided after a looooooong over due period of time to date someone. I have dated him before which is fine with me. No its not the one with the kids and the one I have been waiting for.... its the one I started dating when I started this blog actaully. Things are going well. No Pressure.

We are going to a wedding together this up coming Saturday. I am scared but I think it will be fun.

I am a little worried. I need to make more money. Like now! My mom has informed me that since she had to have emergency spinal surgery that they might now be able to afford to pay for my tuition next semester. I don't know how in hell I can pay for it. I am soooooo poor. The one credit card I have its near its small yet substancial limit. Plan and simple I need either a new job that pays lots of money or some how get a second job.

*sigh* I just don't know what to do.

The pharmacy where I work at I make decent money an hour but I don't really work that many hours because of school and he cut back our store hours... and we are always closed on sundays... thats a WHOLE day I could work....

Although I love my sundays off i would work instead....

"If you love something, let it go..."

2006-10-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

Bullshit. Its complete bullshit.

I did probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life today. I don't know if I made the right decision either. Last night while working on my Grid for Type I kept thinking about how unhappy I have become. Dating random guys isn't for me. It makes me feel worse about myself and I really just never feel comfortable. I was thinking about Bryon mostly like I always do and i just felt that I had waited long enough. 4 months is a long time to patiently wait for someone to get there life together... and he still had yet to do that. So I called and left a message saying to call me I needed to talk to him. He called me when I was at work today....

..... basically I told him that I can't wait anymore. I just can't do it. He wasn't happy. But he said that he still didn't know what he wanted... blah blah.... I was so upset with myself because I feel like I totally just gave up.... I still dont know if I did the right thing but I guess time will tell....

I just feel like now I am waiting but there is noone that I am waiting with. I am to upset to date and I don't even want to.

I do think that my friends are awesome though. All day they have kept me from feeling worse than I already do. You know who you are... I love you...

SIGH

2006-10-19T09:56:00.000-07:00

Someone needs to help me figure this out! NOW!

When I was younger, in middle school and high school, I was really shy and unsure of myself. During my senior year I started to come out of my shell more. I had more experience in dating people and I was single but I wanted to be. Going from someone who was extremely shy and akward to now is so confusing. I am not trying to TOOT my own horn but ever since Bryon and I have broken up it seems like there is a new guy every week and they just keep coming. I don't know what to do with all of this new found attention. I have never been in this position before. Honestly I don't know if it matters. I will hang out with them and what not and feel fine then but afterwards I feel terribly guilty. I really don't want to be single. But I feel like no one will compare to Bryon. I don't know if "compare" is the right word. Its not like I sit there and actually do that. Its just that he stills has my heart.

The newest guy is acutally someone that I have already dated. It didn't end well but it was 2 years ago. We were younger and new to being considered "adults" so we didn't do much different then before the rules changed. He seems more mature now and I must say I do like kissing him. But my parents don't particularly like him, neither does my sister. His parents hate me I am sure. Do i really feel like fighting for this? I don't know. All i know if it was Bryon I was fighting for I would be in there tearing it up.

The Situation

2006-10-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

I have been getting to know this guy. He is a nice guy. A cute guy. A really funny guy. But I just don't care. I blow him off all the time. I know what I am doing. I know that I am probably hurting his feelings but again I just don't care. I know what I should tell him. That i am still in love with my exboyfriend and I can't seem to shake it. That even though he is great there is pretty much nothing he can do to persuade me to go his way and forget about Bryon.

I doubt anyone can totally make me forget about Bryon. I know that I should try but when I do I feel completely horrible. I feel like shit and then I don't have fun. If I tell him all of this then I will be waiting for Bryon and I don't want to be doing that either.

Fuck!

I got off easy this week.

2006-10-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

I was all stressed out because it was technically "mid term" week. But since i am mostly in art classes i just had lots of assignments due. I did have one midterm schedualed but my History Teacher pushed it back to next thursday. So I am very happy about that.

So I have a myspace... along with everyon else it seems. Lately I have been getting really random messages from people I don't know. Lots of them actually. Some of the are weird. Some are ammusing as hell. Others are just spam. But a smal few are actually real people.... But did I mention that most of them are weird.

So this weekend I have so many things planned. Tomorrow I am going out to eat at P.F. Changs. And then Saturday night we are going to Brickstreet in Oxford.

Oh yeah by the way "Rocker Guy" is no more. What a shame..... not!

Patients or Persistence?

2006-10-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

This week my emotions have gone to unexplainable, completely dangerous, to happy and hyper, then back to lonely and confused. Up and down I go. "Things happen for a reason" I think to myself. Do I really believe that? Or do things happen because you make them happen? If I just sit here will I get everything I want in life? Or do I go out and do something to get it? Do you need patients or persistence? Does it depend on what you want? Or does it depend on what everyone else wants?

Its hard for me to sit here and believe that if i continue to sit here that eventually I will get everything I want. You must do something to get it. Nothing is just handed to you on a silver platter. So then why do people say "If it's ment to be it will happen." Do I have to do other things to make that one thing happen? Or do I do absolutely nothing? How do you know where the line is? When something so important to you it hanging in the balance. Do you try and continually grab at it and jump and just maybe you'll get it, or maybe you'll fall over in complete exhaution or the person holding what you want will just laugh in your face. Or do you sit there, do nothing. Just watch what you want (in an unstalker way) and either one day see it coming to you with open arms or see it slipping away. The hard part is when you can't see it at all. When what you want is "there" but unfortunally locationally you aren't able to know if its getting closer or falling farther away....

So then the question is do you do one or the other, or a little of both? When it comes to something that you love how do you know what to do so you don't loose them forever? Or whatever does happen was fated? It was ment to be.

Its vicious circle.

It's a catch 22

2006-10-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

If I sit here and wait I will be lonely and frustrated.

But when I go out and meet people, to move on, it only makes me feel quilty and sad.

So what am I suppose to do?

Either way I am screwed.

Either way i am not with the person I truely care about.

I am stuck.

My "Shit" got shitted on!

2006-09-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had a preliminary critque were we show our progress on the present project. The project was to make a poster for the University about Diversity. I thought, along with other classmates, that the subject was so over done, so lame. But I pushed forward and thought how could I make this interesting instead of completely lame. I didn't really want to do something extremely positive where you have a peace dove and the globe and say "Give peace a chance". Thats completely rediculous. So I decided to make a poster with the theme of "Bathroom". Here is what it looks like:

It was suppose to be funny. It relates with the college crowd. But some GIRL in my class thought that the word "Shit" was offensive.... OFFENSIVE!!! I wanted to smack her.

Really... it offensive? I don't think so.

I mean it isn't even close to being finished. Its still in the beginning stages. I just felt that it people like her that make it so shocking when someone does put the word SHIT on something. Hell maybe I should just change it to FUCK and see what happens. I just hate close minded people. I understand that its a slightly different poster then the norm but isn't that what diversity is about??? Being different??

My Halloween Costume.....

2006-09-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah! Halloween in around the corner people!!! I am excited because this year I am dressin up!

What should I be? You ask. Well I had a couple of ideas. My first idea was a Pirate Hooker. Yes Thats Right. A Pirate Hooker. But the costumes I found were less than flattering or just rediculous.

So I stared thinking. I was to be attractive. So no blood or attachments. I want to be girlie. I also want to wear something that I would never usually wear because IT HALLOWEEN DAMN IT AND I CAN....

So after searching the interweb for days I have come to an exhausting end to the search for my costume....

Here it is.......

What do you need for this costume:

Legs- I have those! Shorter ones than her but maybe that will make the dress less short.
Chest- CHECK! I have that in the bag. Thanks mom!
Booty- CHECK! I got junk in the trunk baby!!!

I also already own an army hat that will go perfectly with the outfit. And I believe I have combat boots. I believe and if I dont I am sure I can find some....

So..... do you like it? Its not tooooo sluty is it????

Radio Oricale

2006-09-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

It's a "game" I play when I get in my car everyday. I turn the radio down so that i can't hear it and then i randomly choose a station. Whatever song is playing is like your anthem for the day or to get you to think about something. I play it because it helps be try to stay upbeat but lately its only been making me more sad. Everytime I play it its a song that is about break ups or reminds me of Bryon. Its rediculous. Today I got Broken Road by Rascal Flatts and Bring It on Home (which made me cry) by Little Big Town.

I guess you can't always get happy songs.

In other news.... I keep having a repeating dream where I am about to get married but then I don't for someone unknown reason and I grow old and poor and lonely and live in a rundown house in some crappy city.

To call or not to call... That IS the question...

2006-09-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was sitting here at my desk working hard on my homework when suddenly I hear my cell go off in my purse. At first I was like "Eh I don't feel like answering it." But then some cosmic force made me get out of my chair and to look and see who called figuring I had missed the call. Nope. But when I looked down at the callers name and saw Bryon I answered it. My heart pounded hard, my hands immediatly got all sweaty and started shaking.....

.... oh my... he is calling about the CD. So I answer all calmly because I am cool like that. "Hello?"

"Hey!" He says in he cute romantic voice. (he really does use different voice tones so i know what kind of mood he is in.) "What are you doing?"

I tell him I am doing homework and I ask him how he is. He says "Good....." In a way that he wants me to know more and then... AND THEN....

"Hey Steve (his boss) is calling me, can I call you back?" Of course I say yes..... That was yesterday. He hasn't called back. Should I call him or do I have to continue to wait?????

Lost...

2006-09-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

*SIGH*

I think I am having a Pre-Mid-life crisis. Why do I think this? Well I can't concentrate on ANYTHING important to me.... like my art or driving... thats my life i am dealing with and i have been driving so crappy lately. When I wake up in the morning I have noticed that my heart is pounding really really fast and I have no idea why. I keep getting headaches. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I made a wrong turn in my life somewhere and I am not where I am suppose to be.

The other day I was thinking about my future. Am I the marrying type? I really want to get married. I want to find that person that I can't live without. But I am quite stubborn. I am particular. I bitch a lot. I like things done a certain way. I like to do things that most people would deem boring. I can be kind of lazy. I hate doing laundry. I want to work a lot. I am not sure I want children. I am extremely impatient. I like it when people do things they say they are going to do. I don't like lame ass excuses... ect...

What if I am not marriage material? What if I am to damn high matenience for a guy? I know that you are thinking I am young and I have forever to find someone still but honesly I have been hurt so many times so far that I don't even want to continue looking. I don't understand why I keep giving so much love and then getting hurt in the end. I don't understand why the same thing always happens over and over even though I am changing and evolving into someone better at relationships. I just dont get it.

I am getting fed up. I feel lost. Honestly I do.

Sorry for the delay....

2006-09-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

Sunday went well. I didn't really go into it having high expectations. He was surprised and impressed. He thought it was something bad like me giving his promise ring back. NEVER!

I figured since I made such a grand gesture that he can call me now. I feel that I have proved how I have felt and said what I needed to say.

I haven't talked to Derek since Friday and he hasn't talked to me. Why I don't really know. Honestly it doesn't bother me that much. If he just wants to kiss me on fridays thats fine I have no problem with that. I really don't want to have a full blown relationship with him anyway... not right this minute.

They said last semester that our first art classes called foundations would be the hardest and most time consuming... yeah they were wrong. My GD and Type classes are killing me. They are making me take time away from my other classes and thats just not right. Like I had a paper due today for History and I didnt even write it because I had to work on type and GD. They are my major they come first. I don't know if he'll let me turn in the paper late either.... i guess i will just have to see.

Work is killing me. I feel like i am there all of the damn time. And I feel like no one knows how to do anything right so then i have to do it and then they tell me that I am useless... which makes no sense to me at all... i want to get a different job. I have said this so many times but I really just need to do it. I want to make enough money so i can pay my car payment, pay off my computer, then move out.... thats all.... only like 6000 dollars are needed for that... or more...

I am trying to keep positive though, which is not like me. I am usually the one that only sees the negative but I am trying to be optimistic. However. I don't understand why I still don't feel any inspriration or motivation to do well on my work. Its driving me crazy.

*sigh* I feel like i need a vacation from everything.

How do I.....

2006-09-17T09:13:00.001-07:00

I am sick. I have a stuffy nose and a sore throat. Its going away. Its alot better than yesterday. Which is good.

How do I feel about today? I am not sure. I haven't seen Bryon in 2 months. I do however want to see him. I do know that I don't want us to get back together today. I just want to see him. We are friends. We are there for each other. If anthing I want to be friends with him and I know for a fact that he wants the same thing. It's just something that I feel I have to do.

How do I feel about Derek? I like Derek and I kind of am understanding why he isn't jumping into such a serious relationship right away. I want to continue talking to Derek. But if he has a problem with me being friends with Bryon then I am sorry. Bryon means a lot to me. He is like my best friend.

I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone. But I just feel like if I don't do this I am always going to regret it.

How do I.....

2006-09-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

SO FUCKING AGGRAVATED.....

2006-09-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

Bryon called me yesterday 3 times. He just wanted to say Hi. And say he missed me. It was odd. I was happy about it but it was still like is he just calling because he is horney?

I talked to Derek and told him he was confusing the hell out of me. He said that everything is fine so I decided I'll just see how tomorrow goes (friday night bowling).

I tried to call Bryon today because I am suppose to go up there sunday to give him the CD, which looks awesome by the way. He answered and couldn't hear me and then when I called back he didn't answer.

I am just like... wtf. Bryon needs to tell me what he wants and so does Derek. I am so aggravated and stressed out about it. I try and not let it bother me but god I care about Bryon so much. I really am not that upset about Derek. It's just Bryon. Why? Why does it have to be this way? Should I still give him the damn CD, which i worked my ass of on and looks amazing. I might just give it too him so he can see how much thought I put into it and then be like "This is it Bryon. Either you decide that you want to do something. That you don't want to loose me forever. Or just let me go. Because this up and down shit it driving me insane." Something like that.

HELP ME SOMEONE GIVE ME ADVICE!!!

Not Fun

2006-09-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

So I really do like Derek but he has been odd. Like he likes me, so he says. But we never hang out except for friday bowling and when we do its great. But other than that nothing and I have given him a million chances to hang out. Lindsey says that since he still lives with his parents that they are pretty strict and don't let him go out if he has to work early the next day. I dont know. I wish he would just freaken tell me. But lindz says he is embarassed, which I understand. grrr this is so frustrating. I was seeing if things with Derek worked out that I wouldn't give BOY the CD but I think I am going to give him the CD anyway. I have worked hard on it and it looks pretty nifty. Its not finished but i am hoping i can finish it by Sunday... maybe...

well i guess i am just going to have to wait for my answer... ahhhhhh

Well hmmmm.

2006-09-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

So I went bowling friday... and got "closer" to Derek but then things started to go back down hill with him. See I am extremely busy and when I have time to hang out and you just don't feel like it doesn't work because when you do I won't be able to... get it? Derek didn't but then again he didn't really know how busy i was.... Anyway. He is just there until I guess we figure this all out.... or whatever....

BUT THE BIG NEWS IS.... I talked to boy. Or rather BOY talked to ME!

I know. He was really nice. Wanting to know how I was and everything. He said that he still loves me and that everything is so busy... yeah i know. But am I really suppose to wait? Till we aren't busy that is. If we want to be together shouldn't we be? I know that we live kind of far away from each other and all but.... I just want to be with the one I am in love with.

I know you are probably thinking that I am not being fair to Derek but I feel like should keep myself open. We aren't dating or anything like that so I can do whatever I want. Derek won't even make straight plans with me for god sake.... all I have to say is I really don't want to do my homework because there is to much to do and its already 10:15 pm and I have to work at 9 and then school... i am pretty screwed.....ahhh

Random week

2006-09-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was suppose to go to Graphic Design but since I was feeling a little lazy and didn't really have enough gas to get there I decided that I would take the day off. I think something was due yesterday but I really don't care. Which is probably bad. I am just not feeling ambious this week. ANYWAY...

I talked to BOY. It was interesting to say the least. He asked me all of these questions and I answered him very vaguely. He asked me about my love life and I told him to change the subject..... He seems to miss me but he is so busy with work and his grandfather in the hospital that I can understand why we aren't together I just don't like it. (right now my prof is rambling on about something about "believing") Maybe I should have more positive thoughts. That one day BOY and I will figure things out. I also don't see what harm it will do if I do make the CD for him. Its not like it will make things worse since I doubt they could get any worse.... so what do I have to loose???? REALLY I WANT TO KNOW!

So i went to a party last night with Lindz for Nicole's 21st bday. It was lame since I was DD. I left early too. Left Lindz there. She wanted to stay longer! I talked to Derek and he said he promises we will hang out but I am feeling a little apprehensive about it since I still have such strong feeling for BOY. I have 45 minutes of this class left and about 15 minutes of battery left on my laptop.... oh booo. He is so boring that I normally either post or talk on AIM to people. Today we had a quiz and yeah didn't know half the answers. Good thing I am not a history major. I really am not feeling this semester. I am a good student. Last semester I had a 3.5 GPA and loved everything about school. Now I just want it to be over. Only 12ish more weeks left! I m hoping that next semester I can co-op so I only have like 6 credit hours of classes and then I can work some where and make some money... actual money. Not what I make at the pharmacy.

All I have to say is thank god it's thursday because that means its the weekend. But ubfortunally for me I have a HUGE graphic design project due.... ahhhh I am not even close to being finished... such the procrastinator...

Possibilities and Reservations

2006-09-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

Derek. Thats his name. He is my new posibility. He isn't exactly my "type". I am what people would consider "pop princess bubble gum preppy clean adorable" kind of gal. Where as Derek is a "hard rocking metal listening long haired" kind of guy. I like preppy clean guy men. Derek is younger than me. I just finish dating a guy that was almost 6 years older than me. And to go and date someone 2 years younger than me feels like I am going to have to be the teacher here.... ugh. I think he is really sweet and he would care about me the way i feel that I deserve but I am not sure.

I don't feel like I have put the BOY thing to rest yet. He ment so much to me and for me to date someone else would make me feel like "hey its really over" because you can't date someone else and then say that you didn't give up on the other person..... I want to know without fault that Bryon doesn't think about me everyday. But then again I find my self wanting Dereks (buff) arms wrapped around me with the same desire.... oh bother.

Is this a good or a bad idea?

2006-09-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about doing something to let BOY know what is going on in my mind. I was thinking since I am a graphic design major, that I would make a CD full of songs that tell him how I am feeling. I would make a CD jacket that would have all the lyrics to the songs and I would put why each song is on the CD and what it means. I just feel that I need to let him know whats going through my mind. I would make it and mail (I guess) to him. And see what happens..... so??? Yes or No?

For Fuck sake!

2006-08-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

School has actaully been decent today. I dropped a class so that my schedual wasn't as stressful. Which really only makes me have to be here longer but eventually it will be over. I returned a book to the book store and got the right one, oh and bought a glue stick!

I actually ate really food today. I haven't eaten an actual meal in like 2 weeks because of my "problem". Oh my blood test came back normal which really means that whatever is wrong with me that they are going to have to figure out some other way... and honestly right now I am not interested in knowing what way that is.

I got a locker for all my art shit. Its located conviently on the 3rd floor which happens to be the only floor I have class on in this building so yeeee haw!

I talked to L about BOY and the fact that I haven't wanted to date anyone or flirt. That I would just really like to have friends right now. And I mean the friends that a girl can count on. Ones that I know won't lie to me or won't be there for me. She told me that I should try to give new guys a chance that they might surprise me. Hmmm.. no. I. dont. think.so.

Its not that I can't. I totally could go on "a date". But honestly in my eyes I would only see it as hanging out as friends because first of all I will be paying for anything myself. Second of all there would be no touchy or kissing of any kind. Which takes me to number three. There would be absoluetly no chance in hell that he would be getting ANY of this! Which of course means sex. Just thinking about making love or just having sex with someone that isn't BOY makes me want to vomit. Thinking that anyone could make me feel the way he did in that way seems impossible.

I know that I can not be cellibate for the rest of my life. So I know that these feels could change if I got frisky enough, but i feel horrible. I want his body against mine. No one elses. I don't want to do something that means that much with someone else. Thats just wrong. I refuse. I only want to make love with the person I love and unfortunally I can't do that.

Tired

2006-08-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

I am at school right now "in class". I am suppose to be researching some crap for a drawing but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like even being here. I want to be a graphic designer thats not the problem. I love what I do. I feel like I have lost my inspiration.... that got me thinking. What if BOY was my inspiration? He was always my strenght and my crutch to lean on. He always pushed me to do all the things I really wanted to. So now what? I am stuck. I know what I want to do but I have lost my inspriration and my motivation to do it. Can BOY really be my inspiration? That one person who makes you want to be a better person?

God I hope not.

Trying My Damndest....

2006-08-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't talk to BOY since Wednesday and don't plan on ever calling him. I left him a message telling him if he wants to talk to me he can call me. I am slightly pissed about it. Yes it bothers me because I care about him a lot. But I am also slightly releaved. It takes a lot of time and stresses you out dealing with relationships and problems. Trying to figure out what BOY and I have right now came out the worst time. Yes I would love to figure things out but I am not going to put up with shit. He kept going back and forth with feelings. One day he was sweet and loving and the next cocky as hell. I don't feel like playing games. I have way to much other shit to deal with.

Friday I went to the Doctors to see what it wrong with me. They took blood and did all of these tests but I won't get any results back until monday. So all the pain that I have I am just going to have to suffer through.

School is daunting as hell. Driving 40 minutes to get there four times a week and then driving home is crazy. Working is crazy too. I am trying to work the same amount of hours so I have enough money. Its looks like I am going to have to cut back on hours.

For the rest of the day I will be working on way to much homework that you should give to a student. I feel like I am pre med or something. This is rediculous.

As for the BOY. I will always miss him. I will always love him. But it has to be up to him to make a move now. I called him to straighted everything out. I called him after that. I need to know that he wants me. Even if that means I continually look at my cell phone. I need to stay strong.... I have to do this for myself.

Fed Up

2006-08-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

With everything.

I am overly stressed. Overly sick. Overly everything.

I can't handle school and it just started.

I decided not to deal with the guy thing anymore and that is making it even harder.

Work I have to do but am so stressed out when i am there.

My back hurts. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. Everything is so fucked up. I am like one more night without sleep away from just passing out.

I am not happy with anything.

I don't like where I am.

Interrupted Fate

2006-08-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

When I first got a screen name on AIM in use to be Interrupted Fate. I thought it was quite unique and honestly I would still use it if i could remember the password. I remember I was excited about getting my AIM name because every one of my friends had it and I didn't.

I thought long and hard about it too. Trying to figure out what simplified how I felt at that time but exposed sides of myself, and left a little mystery. Thats alot of work for just a name.

I was thinking about the name again because that is the way I feel about Bryon. I feel that things got in the way of our fate. ALOT of people have voiced their concerns about my dating him again, even though we aren't and haven't even brought up the subject, I have decided that I want to follow my heart this time instead of trying to make everyone happy. I look back to Bryon and mine's relationship and I see that because I was so determined to make everyone okay with what I really wanted that I didn't do what I wanted. If I had my choice Bryon and I would be living together right now. But at the time I was to concerned with making it okay with my parents. I am twenty years old. Although I love them dearly I don't exactly have to do everything they say and I don't really have to listen to there opinions anymore.

Interrupted Fate.... although its an oxymoron I think for now thats my explination of Bryon and I.

Dictionary.com says that fate is the supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events and that those events are inevitable and predestined by that force. An interruption is just a break in action. So for now Bryon and mine's relationship is a inevitable event that is predestined but is currently on a break..... yeah thats sounds about right.

I know that Bryon and I will always care about one another. I also know that Bryon and I will most likely always love one another as well. And in the words of Michelle Branch "That gives me something to sleep to at night."

The Break Down Continues....

2006-08-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

Since 7:40 am I have done nothing but watch Sex and the City with my sister and cry.

Yes thats right. Cry.

It will happen randomly. I haven't cried for a month. And now its pouring out of me like a waterfall. (right now I can't even see the computer screen because there are tears in my eyes.)

Why now? Of all the times? I mean tomorrow I have to go to the Doctor. Scratch that, the Surgeon because of all the crap wrong with me. I have to work tomorrow to... AND tomorrow is the first day of classes. I am going to break down... I can't handle all of this. I really can't.

I am going to freak out on someone. I want to scream. I want to bawl crying so loud and have no one tell me that "I will be ok." because I don't want to hear it.

I really can't stop crying. My sister thinks I need a xanax and my mom thinks I am crying because she made me install a new mouse on the computer.

I am breaking down. And the thing is I really don't know how I feel about it. I really don't.

I Couldn't Sleep

2006-08-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

Friday I talked to Bryon.

Yesterday I didn't which I understood. But I wanted to.

Yesterday I cleaned out my car because I had to keep myself busy. Then I went out to dinner with my Lindz and her family to keep myself busy. Then we went bowling to keep me busy. I left before everyone else because I was tired. And I actually was. I told Lindz the story and she says she justs wants me to be happy. I went home and slept. I got woke up at 6:30 because Denver needed to go out. I didn't go back to sleep. I keep thinking about him....

I kept thinking:

I can't sleep.
My mind feels like its about to explode.
I miss him so much.
I want to talk to him.
I have so many things to ask him.
I want to see him.
I love him.
I can't sleep.
I have the worst head ache.
I should just call him.
I can't sleep.
I need him.
He is what I want.
There are so many things left unsaid.
Should I never talk to him again?
Why did this happen?
I can't sleep.
Everything is so fucked up.......

.... and on that I called him at 7:40 am. I didn't really know if he'd answer his phone. I mean it was the crack of dawn. He didn't. Answer. Now I am wondering if he is going to call me back. I didn't leave a message. I mean what was it suppose to say? "Hey I can't sleep and I've been putting off calling you for and hour and ten minutes. Call me back?"

Come on! I do need to talk to him though. Even if it is so we can both say this could never work. Even if I get my heart totally ripped to shreds just so i know that they is no way in hell we could be together. I hate love. I hate the drama and the fact that you need something for someone else. I miss him. I miss my best friend. my support. my everything. I know there is so much we have to figure out but i alway knew that I would marry Bryon. And when I have those feelings they are about 99.8% correct. I really miss him. Really.

What am I suppose to do?

Just so you all know. The time i am posting is 11:01 not what it says below.

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!

2006-08-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

YEAH! YOU!

Hey! Listen to me when I am talking to you! I poured my heart and undying need for advice into my last two entries and nothing... I get nothing! I was at least expecting "Hey You posted!" or something that might actually help me with the situation at hand... *sigh* Honestly I could use someones insight. Everyone around me doesn't seem to understand where I am coming from with Bryon. Ahhh! I hope you all are happy! Off doing god knows what with god knows who! Not helping out your fellow bloggers! Psh! I just don't know about some of you!

Its ok... I get it. I'll be fine... reeeally! Don't worry about me.

Holy Shit!

2006-08-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

So.... Today.... I TALKED TO BRYON....

Ok last night I got so frustrated about him Direct Conecting me and what not that I had to find out what he wanted. So I called him. I was nervous and really scared. The convo went like this:

*ring*ring*

Bryon: "Hello?"
Me: "Did you beep me?"
Bryon: "Hello?"
Me: "Did you beep me!?"
Bryon: "No?"
Me: "Really because my phone said that you did?"
Bryon: "No."
Me: "OK!" *click*

........... I felt that if I left it on an upbeat note that he wouldn't really know how much I am hurting and would think that it doesn't bother me that we haven't talked in over a month and that everything that happened was so fucked up........

I didn't sleep after that phone call. I just tossed and turned. Kept thinking about why he would lie to me about something that was so obvious. I mean I heard his voice for god sake.

I came to work and I was in probably the worst mood ever. I was tired, sad, cranky, the whole nine yards. I am naturally bitchie already so when you add those qualities to me, trust me you don't want to mess with me. But my co-workers did. I just gave it to them. Finally after I had been there for almost 6 hours I wanted to finally eat. I started eating my food and was just so stress out about Bryon that I had tears coming down my eyes. I really didn't feel like playing games with Bryon and have him randomly beep me all the time so I called Nextel and asked if you could block a phone number. Of course they said no and that all I could do was change my number. So I called my mother and she told me to change my number and to have my Father do it for me...... Oh but instead....

I called Bryon. I figured Hey I was changing my number after this he could never get ahold of me. So I called him while i was at work and on the clock, "eating" and the convo went something like this:

*ring*ring*

Bryon: "Hello?"
Me: "Bryon if you have something to say to me you probably should say it to me now because after this I am changing my number." (oh yeah! I was on the ball!)
Bryon: "Why are you changing your number?"
Me: "Because you beeped me the other day and then lied about it."
Bryon: "I swear I never beeped you, I don't have your Direct Connect number anymore."
Me: "Bryon I heard your voice!"
Bryon: "Are you sure it was me? Maybe I accidentally hit my phone or something. I swear I didn't beep you."
Me: "Fine then, but can I ask you something?"
Bryon: "Yeah."
Me: "What happened?"

... sorry I am going to have sum some of this stuff up because yeah this was alot of information said in a short amount of time....

.... He told me that he did go to jail like Mikey said. He told me that he only had one phone call so he called him Father because he had to call a house phone and if he called my house my parents would have freaked out (which he was right, but they were out of the country at the time.). He told me that he told Mikey to tell me where he was and everything. Mikey did tell me that he was in jail but any information after that he was pretty much useless. They made him stay in jail until his court hearing. When he got out it was Friday. That Friday that went to hell.... He said that he was going to call me but he had other things that he had to deal with before he could. His boss was riding his ass about not being at work for 4 days and not telling him where he was. He had to find a place where he could stay and figure out all of is court stuff. ( For some damn reason I believe him. ugh!) He said but before he had time to call me that I had already called Mikey and he told me that Bryon didn't want to be with me, that he didn't want anything to do with me. That is were my sister came in. After Mikey said that I called her at work crying. Told her what happened and she called Bryon. I was at home. I was not at work. I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying. My sister called Bryon and talked to him. To this day I still have no idea exactly what she said to him. I have no idea what he said to her. Bryon told me today that he thought I was right there next to her telling her what to say. Which I wasn't. My sister, being the older sister went for his nuts, saying that he was horrible and he shouldn't be able to see his children. When I heard that she said that I went off on my sister even though Bryon was being a complete Dick. Bryon loves his girls more than anything in the world. I know that. Even though it doesn't sound like it. Bryon is the best thing for them. He can offer them a way better life then that of there mother. Anyway... I told Bryon that I wasn't there. That I had no idea exactly what was said. He said the reason that he hadn't called me was because He thought that I was telling my sister to say all of this and/or sitting there letting her say all of this and that is why he never called me. Because he doesn't want anything to do with people who threaten him and his children. Basically we were both sitting here for a month mad at each other because of lack of communication. I told him that the past month has been a living hell for me. That I never thought I would never speak to him again. That I wanted him to be in my life forever and with him not there it felt horrible. He said that he was really mad and sick to his stomach because he couldn't believe that I would say such things. That before anything I was his best friend and that he missed me and loves me. I was crying hysterically. We talked calmly and rationally. I told him that even though it didn't go down the way that I had thought that I don't know if I could really ever get over it. I told him that I have never loved someone as much as I loved him and that I hope I never do because when you loose it you feel like you've lost yourself. So many times when over the past month I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to him. To have him be there like he alway was. To tell him I could see how much, at one time, he did care for me.

He said that if I wanted that he would never call me again. That if i wanted him to that he would delete my phone number, that he wasn't going to bother me. That he wants me to be happy and live a fulfilling life. He didn't want me to have to change my phone number just for him. I told him that its fine. That I was here for him for anything. If he ever needed something that I would be there for him and I hope he would do the same. He said of course. I told him that I really had to get back to work. That I would talk to him later. He told me to take care....

*sigh* I told my mother. She isn't "dissappointed" that I seem to believe him. She is just angry that I would let him hurt me again. I told her that we aren't together. That who knows if we even talk again (god I hope so.). I know that I shouldn't believe him but honestly he had NEVER lied to me when we dated. NEVER! He always told me the truth about everything. I just trust him and I really don't know if I should or shouldn't considering. But he is like my home. Honestly.

I am afraid of my cell phone...

2006-08-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Really I am. Last night when I went to bed I normally keep it on and keep the sound on in case someone needs me. Last night I want to put my phone in a box then put it in a safe and then throw it far far away.....

Yesterday while I was at work I was trying to get a hold of my sister. We all have Nextels in our family, which means that you can use the Direct Connect (walkie talkie). So I was up front working and then went in the back and someone was like "You're cell phone is making noise." I figured that it was my sister since I had tried to call her. It was my sister.... but it was also appraently Bryon as well. Bryon direct connected me while I was at work....... When i say it Ann Marie said that my face went ghost white and she thought that i was going to faint... I was shaking... What did he want? Oh god what?

I didn't call him back back. He "broke up" with me in the meanest possible way. Why would I call him back? Yeah i could finally get closure... yeah i could possible learn what happened... I don't know.

So after work I went to Michael's to get some stuff because last night was 80's/ladies night at my house because one of the girls was going off to college far away and i love her. So i got home at was getting ready and some of the other girls were already there... i was in the bathroom doing my hair all extreme 80's when i heard it.... I HEARD IT! "BEEEEEP (long pause) Hello?" I went in and looked at my phone... it was him again! I was like "Ann Marie!" She came in and i was like i don't know what to do... she was like maybe you should talk to him...

I didn't talk to him. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if i should call him. I don't know..... I just don't know at all. What does he want? This is going to bother me. I figure if he tries to get ahold of me again (third time) then i will talk to him.....

Chocolate Cake and Sex and the City

2006-08-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

.... Solves your problems when you are feeling like shit.

Last night I didn't have anything to do so I watched TV for a while, read some of my book, and then went to sleep. At around 2 a.m. I woke up in excruciating pain. If you are new to reading this about 4 months ago I had to have gallbladder surgery. Apparently something is wrong... Again. It was the first time I had ever had surgery and lets just say it didn't go as well as they said it was going to. They said "You'll have surgery at 9 am and then be home by 12pm. Then in 2 days you will be back to normal." No! I was there from 8 am to 8 pm because I had an allergic reaction to the pain medicine that they gave me. I wasn't even able to walk for two days... I didn't really want to have the surgery but Bryon told me that it would be a good thing that he would be there for me through the whole thing, and that when I got better we'd move in together. He was there for me. He came to the surgery and stayed with me the whole night. It was intense thing for us because my parents were with him in the waiting room the whole time. I don't have his support anymore. Even though I shouldn't care that he isn't around because he is a complete ass and lied to me about everything.

My mind is going out of control. I am still completely upset about this whole Bryon thing and there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better or find closure in it. I refuse to call him. I mean what am I suppose to say? Its not like we are ever going to run into each other since he lives an hour away. Then the fact that apparently my "problem" isn't exactly gone and I am going to be going back to the Dr every week again. I don't want to... I start school again in a week... That's enough stress in its self...

At least I have cake... And Carrie... *sigh*

GUYS DO SUCK!

2006-08-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

Does anyone understand how to use this blog roll thing? Normally i am computer savvy and can figure out almost anything... but either i am just not interested in actually figuring it out or i am a dumbass... or both.

I signed up... tried to insert the code in my template and ya nothing... I don't get it!

oh and my spell checker on blogger ISN'T working!

Seriously!

2006-08-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

Work actually wasn't that bad today. I felt like I did my job well. Everyone stayed in good moods. My Ann Marie and Lisa were there which just made it more fun. Working in a pharmacy is getting a little boring though. Counting pills everyday to drug addicts isn't fun.

I am planning a going away party for my co-worker Annie. Apparently she thinks its better to go to college 3 hours away then stay around here with me. Whateva!

I know that I just got out of a rather serious relationship and that I am not totally over it (at all). But I always feel like I need someone there. I like being in relationships. I am a relationship kind of gal. I am sure there is some deep hidden resentment in my childhood that corresponds to this thinking but I am not sure. I mean maybe I am just a loving person? I think I like to love people. Of course not just anyone. I have to be attracted to them... duh!

All I know is that I am really worried about my friend. I will call her "M". Seriously it isn't me because I am not in a relationship as you all are aware of. But "M" is. She is my best friend since 6th grade. She is in an abusive relationship with him live in boyfriend. They just bought a house together and are planning on getting married. When she calls me after he hits her she is too afraid to leave and acts like I shouldn't make a big deal of it. He had only to my knowledge hit her on 2 occasions but there could be more. He has a horrible temper and I haven't liked him from the beginning. I have told her repeatedly to leave and come to my house. She refuses. I don't want her to marry him because I know it will just get worse. I really don't know if I should tell her mother about this because I don't want her to be mad at me if maybe I am being overly serious. Ahh help...

Breaking Down

2006-08-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

I feel like i am about to break down. I don't think i can handle acting like i am okay anymore. I know that what he did was wrong and that i shouldn't blame myself but how am i suppose to just let everything go? I wanted to marry him one day and now everything is so fucked up. Its like we never met. I could possibly go the rest of my life and never see or talk to him again. Do i want that? I should want that considering what he did to me. But it hurts not knowing if he is ok. What is going on in his life. I know what he did is rediculous and can't be forgotten. I feel like i am moving day by day just to get through and hoping one day i'll wake up and not care anymore. I never knew i could love someone as much as i loved bryon and now i wish i didn't. To love someone as much as i loved Bryon one day and then the next day never talking to him again its a killing pain. I've tried to go out with friends. I have fun unless there are all these couples around and then i start feeling tired and sick. Half of me feels like i should leave. I should go somewhere and totally get away from here and start my life somewhere else. But i can't. I love my college and i refuse to start over in college again. I am scared though that school isn't going to be as wonderful as it use to be. I feel like someone took half of me and tore it up into a million pieces and i can't figure out how to put them back together...

Queen Of Babble Book Review

2006-08-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

BOOK REVIEW TIME!!!!

Over all this book kept my attention. But i am a little bias since Meg Cabot is one great author. Part one was a little slow. Part two reved up the engine and then took off and PART THREE well that just made you speed off into the horizon! I couldn't stop reading it and then it was over. And i was sad. I was having so much fun reading and then it just ended... I mean i knew eventually i would come to its end and then ending is very satisfactory to the book but I wanted to keep reading!! That's is a good sign of a great book. Over all the grade has replenished itself into an A! YAY!

It's Saturday at 11 O'Clock....

2006-08-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

And I am NOT at work. I have the day off so i should be happy right?

WRONG!

What's wrong with me? I feel like crying. I feel like i have a weight on the back of my neck and it's pushing me further and further into the ground. My stomach hurts as does my head.

The only person, well dog, i have talked to is Denver. She isn't happy with me anyway. I had to put a shock collar around her neck for the invisable fence and she doesn't like it.

Apparently I can't even make my dog happy. I know that I am feeling sorry for myself but why now? I hadn't until now.

Maybe i should have gone to work. That way i would be keeping myself busy. But does that mean i am avoiding something? Try not to think about it. Thinking about it will just make you miserable. Everytime i feel this way i want my mother. And everytime she is no where to be found.

Should i go talk to my therapist? All she is going to say is "This is not your fault. Stop blaming your self." I know it's not my fault. DUH! But that means i can't feel shitty? Then she would say "You are going to feel unhappy until you get over IT." DUH! It's aggravating. Its like i pay her to tell me stuff I already know. I am just not that wealthy, ok. And she is expensive!

People care to much about themselves. Me included.

Burnt Out

2006-08-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

I need a vacation! I haven't felt like being at work at all this week. I haven't felt like doing anything this week. Anytime anyone tries to make me do something I want to strangle them. I know that I am slightly depressed but I haven't had time off since.... since.... I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER!

Work is horrible. Not just because I am filling in for my manager but because we are only open for a limited amount of hours. The boss man cut back the hours for summer and might not be changing them back. I want to get a job in my major any way but with school I need a place that will be flexable.

I am considering taking my vacation with Lindsey. She is willing to fly to Virgina Beach with me for a couple days in the next month or so. I am hoping that we get to go.

This Saturday I am going to Lori's to a cook-out-drunken-burning-of-ex-boyfriend-stuff party. I am only burning a shirt just because I am not ready to burn everything. Love, I feel, is a double edge sword. To love someone you must trust them with everything including your heart. But then when you do totally trust them you never believe that they could be lying to you because, duh, ya trust em'. Well then you get screwed because you love them... if you don't trust them then how can you be in love and have a meaningful relationship? But if you trust them and they are lying to you... then either way you are SCREWED! I don't mean to sound synical but when you get hurt you defiantly get jaded and your heart is weak. It take time to remember what you knew before you were dating that person. Love is like a lesson that we have to learn over and over again. It's exhausting!

Maybe that's why I need a vacation?

Good Advice From Google?

2006-08-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

On my google homepage i have my horoscope. Now i normally am not interested in reading them because they can bring you down and make you think to much about things. But I think todays advice might just be good enough to live by for awhile:

"You might feel as if you are easily gliding along, skating right over a rather difficult situation. You must stay in motion, for as long as you have momentum, problems don't fully affect you. It's like your feet are just skimming over the surface, but as soon as you slow down, you sink into the intensity of an emotional drama. Listen to your common sense and keep moving. "
Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Due to the outragious events from last week i think that basically i do just need to keep moving forward. In the past i have moped around for weeks. I don't like break ups. I know that this one is different though. Its not my fault that he turned out to be an ass. Also i feel like I did love him and gave him that love the best way i knew how and if he can't see that then he doesn't deserve me.

My parents are home now and got to hear the story. My mom was pissed and my dad said that if he ever came on our land he'd kill'em.

I was late for work today... but it was ok because i only had to work for 2 hours. So it was all good.

1 is the loneliest number....

2006-07-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

So... It's over. It's like it never really started.... Again.

Bryon was just to much of an ass to tell me that he didn't want to be with me.

Maybe you are asking, "Jeanie, you love him, why aren't you that upset?"

Oh well.... I am, he just did it in the most dick way ever. He was "in jail". And apparently he is engaged to someone?? Over all... It feels like 7 months was a complete lie.

I refuse to talk to him. My sister scared the shit out of him. My parents are flying in today and will hear the story. And my step father has this gun, that has this scope, that allows you to shoot your target... Quite accurately...

I am pissed... But glad I found out who he really was before I did something like MOVE IN WITH HIM!! Holy shit would that have been bad.

The thing that I hate is when you have to get back on that horse (not that I will be doing that anytime soon) but getting back up there and meeting someone new. I hate the "getting to know each other" and the "getting comfortable with each other enough were you can actually poop at his place". I hate waiting for that. I always have to leave earlier than I want because the dinner that we ate isn't sitting well....

----------------------------------------------------------------

On a different note

I am working as my manager this week. So.... With all the stress of the "break up" looming in the background and all the stress of finding out what all the little shit heads that I work with did wrong while running the registers and listening to my owner bitch about just about everything... I don't have very high expectations for this week.

I am contemplating taking vacation next week.... But I am not sure about that just yet. I wish I could actually go somewhere but I bought that laptop and it was expensive....

Oh! Ok... Remember when your mother told you not to chop your gum? Well... At work I was checking out this lady who was schloping her gum in her mouth like a horse. I had to ask her if she had and questions about her medications and she was like "shwell shy waash wondering..."! UGH! I wanted to make her step back and spit it out... It was gross!

I need love... So leave me a comment... Boys suck!

2006-07-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like I might throw up.

I have cried everyday since Sunday.

My nerves are shot.

Things that trigger the tears:

music, certain songs like "StickWitU" by Pussycat Dolls.
anything in my room which is why I have been sleeping in my parents room since they aren't around.
calling for M or B and getting the voicemail. (I could resight it by heart, the voicemail dialog)
The Television, I can't watch shows that show people being in love or kissing, or shows that show violence or crying. So basically I can watch HGTV and the weather channel.
People asking me if I have heard anything and then making me reitterate what is going on.

One of the hardest things but one of the things that keeps me going in Denver. Its something thats both of ours. Something we both care about. It also reminds me how much he does love me. Along with the promise ring. Which I haven't taken off since Saturday. Normally I take it off when I shower but I can't. I refuse to take it off.

I keep calling hoping I will find out what, where, and when. But all I am getting is dead ends. I will not stop till I find out something. I love Bryon. I will always be there for him even if he is too stubborn to ask me for it.

I just love him. With all my heart.

2006-07-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

This is one feeling i could have lived without. I hate it when Bryon does this. I told him to call me later.... yesterday. He still hasn't called me and I can not get a hold of him. I have been trying to call him but he isn't answering. I left him a voicemail too. I know that he is at his mothers and its out in the country but I would think he would be able to pick up his phone for a minute and call me to let me know he is ok... ya know?

I just get so aggravated. I just want to get a hold of him to know everything is ok. It makes me so mad when he does this. I get upset and want to cry. I just wish everything was like how it use to be. I feel so utterly stupid. I mean everything is so different now. Its not like before. I can tell we still love each other and want to be with each other. But Bryon seems to be all stand offish. Like he is afraid. I am pissed at myself. I could already be living with him but no. I was a dumb ass and wouldn't do it before. I realise now how much he really did love me because the way we are now it feels like he doesn't want to do that so he doesn't get hurt and its killing me. I don't know what to do. This fucking sucks.

help. me.

2006-07-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

Things are interesting now. Now that Bryon and I are back together. It isn't like it was before. But it isn't bad either. I don't think that we will be moving in together soon but all i have to do is to be patient. I have to know that if I am patient we will eventually move in with each other.

We do need to talk about it though. Actually talk about it.

I got to see him today! I hope I get to see him tomorrow.

2006-07-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

Bryon and I are back together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to go see him today for lunch. When i got there he was like "I already ate." So I was a little confused since that was the reason I was there. SO...

"Did you eat lunch?" he said

"No." I said extremely confused.

" Ok then we can go get you food." Bryon said with a smile.

So i turn on my car and started driving. I ended up at Penn Station because that sounded alright. ( I dont really like eating fast food, ever since my gallbladder surgery.)

"Are you coming in with me?" I asked when i parked the car.

He said no and asked if he could have the keys so the air can be on. I said sure and was about to go in when he grabbed me and KISSED ME! And told me that he Loved me! Then he really kissed me... and well... more but this is a PG blog ... anyway...

I went in to get my sandwich and lemonaid and on my way back out he was in the driver seat. I was like "What do you think your doing?"

"I'll drive while you eat."

"Where are we going?" I said.

"Mikey's Apartment."

Oh my.... So we went. Bryon and I laid down to take a nap while Mikey was doing something lame. Bryon said that he missed me alot. That he loves me more than anything in the world. Then he asked me to be with him. It was so great. I am so happy!!!!

2006-07-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Yeah that's right.... I am in a good mood.

So I went to work today like normal. All the cool people were there. AM and S. It was a nice boring day at the pharmacy. N, the adorable hunk of an intern left early which just made it even more boring because we had nothing to look at. So me and M decided to talk. I told here that Bryon and I have been talking regularly everyday. But I am usually the one that calls him. If I call him and he has to call me back he does. So I was wondering. Should I try not to call him for a day and see if he'd take the inciative to call me? Just to see if he does miss me and he is interested. Or should I try and keep the flood lines of communication open so that he doesn't think I don't care anymore? AM and M decided that I should try and not call him all day but toward night time if he hasn't called me to call him because guys tend to get use to doing or not doing stuff and he might just think that I'll call him. So I was like ok but its going to be hard....

So I am sitting there doing pharm order when S was like "is that your cell ringing?" I jumped up and ran to my purse. I missed the call by like a fraction of a second but it was BRYON he called me on his own. I called him right back and we talked for a little while. We said our "I love yous" and then I went back to work. I was like to AM "HE CALLED ME!" she was like "OMG I KNOW" I felt slightly childish and girlie but this is my future husband. I just know it. I am so overly excited about everything right now between us...

This could really make me happy for a while! YAY!

Oh my this weekend...

2006-07-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

So let me see... Friday I talked to Bryon and told him that I wanted to move in with him and he seemed ok with it, he just needed time still about us getting back together. Well this bothered me, of course. So I talked it over with friends and what not and they just told me to be patient. So I tried... Again.... To be patient.

Then Saturday I worked from 9-1 and then went home to a loving mother and we watched movies after I tried to attempt to go see my friend Miranda but failed because she just moved and I turned on the wrong road... And ALMOST GOT IN A WRECK... Yah! So I called her and was like I can't find your house.. And I almost got hit, I am going home. She was like OK!. So I went home and watch movies with my mother. She seemed chipper and nice, she was a little disappointed because they were suppose to go on vacation yesterday (aka Monday) but had to postpone it to next Monday because she forgot to get her passport out of the bank deposit box... (which to me is totally her fault but apparently not, although I know that if I was going with them and I forgot to get it out of the bank they would have just left me here and I would be deemed irresponsible.)

Which apparently I am anyway. I woke up on Sunday in a crappy mood. I was emotional and sad. I missed Bryon terribly and wanted to be in his arms... Or just talk to him. I couldn't get a hold of him for nothing. But then my mom started picking and picking at me. She kept saying that I never do anything right and that I disrespect her house because I am not the most well organized person in the world. I mean my mother is like Martha Stewart on crack. She thinks that everything should be done her way or it isn't correct... CORRECT.

So basically we kept fighting until she went to my room and got everything and put it in trash bags. I was like... Um? She was like you can't have them. I was like but I bought them? She was like but they are in my house. I was like well then I'll LEAVE. So I did. I left. I got in my car and went to Mike's house. Mike is Bryon's cousin. I called Mike so that I could get ahold of Bryon but he didn't know where he was. He then proceeded to tell me that Bryon was at his girlfriends. I wanted to laugh hysterically. Bryon and I saw each other Thursday and we kissed a lot... I know Bryon like the back of my hand he would never cheat on ANYONE... Ever! So I stayed at Mike's on the couch... Freezing next to a snake the was trying to get out of its little glass cage... I was about to pee my pants when he head popped out the top... I wanted to cry but everyone was asleep and I wasn't about to touch it. So I just kept watching it... Until his roommate woke up and I was like "Get the snake, get the snake!" Then I called Bryon and finally got him and told him that me and my mother had a fight and that I was at Mikes house and he was like "awe babe I am so sorry." He told me to come to his work to see him. He told me that before when he was living in the apartments that he let mike stay with him which was illegal so they told him he had to leave. So we both didn't have a place to stay, he was at his mother's house. Which is in Minster. Which is like 3 hours from me. Anyway. So he doesn't have a girlfriend... I told him what mikey said and he said that mikey and him haven't talked in like 2 weeks and he doesn't know anything. I told him I figured. He kissed me nice and slow and then kissed me softly on my forehead and told me that everything will get better.
It was great! Not perfect. But it was good. I talked to him today. That was good too. I miss him a lot.
oh... I am back at my parents. Apparently we were both just being a little over dramatic about things. Plus Bryon wants me to have a good relationship with my parents when it does come time for me to move out...

2006-07-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

I understand that me breaking up with Bryon hurt him to no end. But we love each other and he knows that something had to be done to make things better. Maybe breaking up with him wasn't the best way of making things better. But we fought everyday and I really didn't have an answer. I didn't want to break up with him ever, I always wanted to marry Bryon and I told him that. I looked him straight in the eyes with my full heart and soul and said to him, " one day I am going to marry you."

I need and want to do this. But he isn't sure I guess. I am trying my damnedest to be patient and not push him. I just feel like sometimes I can't say things that really mean something to me because I am afraid that I will be pushing him or harm my chances. I really don't know what to do. I want to live with Bryon. I want too be with him SO bad.

I told him last night on the phone that I had an idea of how we could fix the relationship and told him that I would move in with him that I wanted to live with him. I told him to take time and think about it but I was out with a friend and couldn't tell him everything that I wanted to. Maybe its better this way that way I don't go over board and say to much. But then how do you know if you have said to much. What if I said to little? What if he really doesn't believe me? What if he thinks I am just saying that so he'll get back with me and when the time comes he doesn't think I will actually go through with it? I will do it. I will pack my things right now damn it! I will do something spontaneous just so I can be with him...

Why is this so complicated?

What I want....

2006-07-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

So I have been really honestly thinking about things and I am sick and tired of where I am in life. I am sick of always wondering if my mom and father are going to be mad if I do this or if they will be okay with it. I am sick of being afraid to ask to do stuff that I really want to do. I am sick of people in my family judging my decisions by saying I making "horrible ones". I am sick of people look down on me when I don't think I am all that bad of a daughter, friend, co worker ect. I am nice and I try to think about other people before myself. Maybe that's my down fall. Maybe I ALWAYS put people ahead of myself and never do anything that I want. Bryon taught me to do what I wanted because I wanted him and no one approved. Bryon was there to believe in what I want to do with my life and still allow me to be myself. He knew I have ambitions and never let me give up. But I did... I gave up on him. I gave up on the one person that never judged me. The person that might have been critical in a way I didn't understand at the time. But now I do. Late. Of course. He did say things harshly to were at times they hurt my feelings only because I was being such a baby about it. I have been sheltered by my parents, always thinking that I have to do what my parents say. But I don't. Not anymore. I haven't had to for two years. Honestly I feel stupid that I have let them rule my life this far. I know they think they know what is best for me but maybe what they want for my life isn't exactly what I want.

I want to be with Bryon.

I want to live with Bryon.

One day I want to marry Bryon.

This is what I want. No matter what anyone says.

Bah Goes The Sheep

ugh evil evil weather!!!

Oh.Em.Gee!!!

Summer Goal

Growing up is hard to do.....

Re- planning my Resolutions

I want money! Lots and Lots of money!

Valentine's Day isn't so evil...

Scratch n' Sniff

Attention Whore

Married? Really?

Stewie....

Long Time No Talk

Fuck me like you hate me...

...Yes it goes on and on my friends....

I can fake it with the best of them all

I'll take the truth at any cost

Taking Chances...

Are You Happy Now?

Ignorance is Bliss, cherish it!

Semi mid life crisis

And I can't talk about it....

You'd probably move right through me... on my way to you...

You left a hole where my heart should be...

Evolution....

I put my faith in you, SO much Faith in you...

Born For This

Ya get what ya need! Oh yeah!

The camera is lying....

Oldie but a Goodie!

Venting!

People suck!

Frustrated

Break...

And the beat goes on...

Defeated

And so it continues....

Pissed Off!

Honey, I'm home.

boring!

Home Sweet Home

Are you sure or unsure?

New Job??

MOTHER F*CKER!

Busy Busy Busy

stressed and tired

Money Money Money

"If you love something, let it go..."

**SIGH**

The Situation

I got off easy this week.

Patients or Persistence?

It's a catch 22

My "Shit" got shitted on!

My Halloween Costume.....

Radio Oricale

To call or not to call... That IS the question...

Lost...

Sorry for the delay....

How do I.....

How do I.....

SO FUCKING AGGRAVATED.....

Not Fun

Well hmmmm.

Random week

Possibilities and Reservations

Is this a good or a bad idea?

For Fuck sake!

Tired

Trying My Damndest....

Fed Up

Interrupted Fate

The Break Down Continues....

I Couldn't Sleep

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!

Holy Shit!

I am afraid of my cell phone...

Chocolate Cake and Sex and the City

GUYS DO SUCK!

Seriously!

SIGH