Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I am sitting in the library waiting for my next class to start. The rally yesterday went really well. A lot of people turned out for it. I was reallly suprised!

Me and my mom aren't seeing eye to eye right now. She believes that i am spending to much time out and about and not at home. Personally i dont care and as long as i am doing well in college it dont see what the problem is. She is trying to give me restrictions like earlier cerfew and what not and I hardly get to see my boyfriend as it is so i am planning on not listening to here.

I need to travel over to my college for an orginization fair so that i can get even more involved!!! They reallly make it easy here.

Oh yeah i was nominated to be our learning communities representative in student cousil. Oh yeah i am smart! haa haa

Last night me and kevin had a close talk about us and how were are going to manage this relationship even if we dont get to see each other. I think that we are doing the right thing about not seeing each other all the time. But when it gets to the point where i haven't even talked to him in like three days i start to get worried. He tells me that there is nothing to worry about and that we will make this work out. I believe him. For some reason i am not scared to loose him just yet. I am scared that we wont be together from never seeing each other. And this new thing with my mom is not helping plus i am getting a job soon (hopefully!!) so there is more. Plus i want to be involved here at UC so its going to get even harder. I know that we can do this. Even if i never sleep i will be able to handle this.

ok well thats all for now!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Oh the pain! My back hurts..... i hate being a girl!

Everyone~~ THERE IS A KERRY EDWARDS RALLY TODAY AT UC! ~~ COME SUPPORT!!!

Its a 4:45 at Mcmicken!

Kevin is so wonderful. I care about him so much.

Monday, September 27, 2004

I Have like an hour before my next class. I am in the main library right now. I should be reading my business homework and making note cards but i dont really plan on taking that long in here.

There is a Rally in tuesday at 4:45 on campus for Kerry/ edwards!!!! I plan on going. I know that Kevin would love to go but i think that he works then.

I feel bad that i am not really doing homework on this here computer and there are people wondering around for a computer. OH WELL!

Sigh.... I have to make a couple pit stops on my way home tonight. First i must go to Kroger and see how much balloons are and if they carry an item. And if they dont carry that item i must go to delhi to get it.

Me, Miranda, Cody, Kevin and maybe my sister and her boyfriend are having a pumpkin carving contest at my house on Oct. 13th. If you would like to be apart of the fun just leave me a comment....

I am also trying to convince my parents to let me have a halloween party with costumes and everything.... so far i got i "hmmm i dont know"

well i think i am gonna go look around.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

uhhhhhhhh tired!

So.... I finished some of my homework.... i have a lot of reading to do... but i have hours and hours tomorrow.....


Well.... kevin's birthday present is awesome.... but it so tiring putting it together....



Saturday, September 25, 2004

Random stuff

I've figured out what i am doing for kevin's birthday. Its so cute...

I have a lot of homework to do.... really dont feel like going on monday but its cool..... i think i will ride with miranda since she has a pass. And i have to stay till 5 anyway.

I want to be on student counsil so everyone has to vote for me.....

It looks like its going to rain... which is sad.... i dont want it to rain.

Remember tony? well he came in town today... i haven't seen him and dont want to... all i have to say is if he comes in twenty feet of me i will kick his ass.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

First day at college

It went ok. traffic was bad this morning. But all in all it went well. I had algebra this morning... it was easy and my professor seemed nice. Then i has a break with Miranda and that was interesting. Then i went to L.C. which seemed stupid. But we got out 20 minutes early.

My boyfriends birthday is coming up. We haven't really been together that long for me to buy something expensive. I need cute inexpensive ideas!!! Help!

Monday, September 20, 2004

falling for chocolate marshmallow ice cream?

I think that I am falling to fast for Kevin. Of coarse i haven't told him this. Miranda knows that i "Like him a lot". I just know that these feels are because its suck a new thing that just happens to be really great and since i haven't been in a relationship like this in a while i think that everything means more than it does. Kevin is the best boyfriend so far. I really care for him. I just want to be around him more to get to know him a whole lot better. I get to see him tonight. Which is really great. I really want to.

I hate going out to eat. Ok i know that was random. But it so boring. Like for a date. And usually i am not hungry and then i feel bad even ordering something but if i dont then i look like i am a freak or something.

Chocolate Marshmallow Ice Cream..... I hope he is happy. I hope it doesn't melt in my car! I think it will be ok......

I think its distance... once we get some sort of schedule.... or something.... ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh yeah... i need a job.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Over the weekend....

Me and Kevin are great. Friday we went went over to his house with some friends. Miranda was getting a little irritating but it all went ok. Yesterday we went to a party at GD's house. The party was lame but me and kevin talked and kissed so it was nice. He had to leave early because his parents wanted him home. I was the desginated driver for miranda that night. She is hard to deal with when she is drunk and i have no alcohol in me.

I dont get to see kevin for a few days :( He has homework to do today and then band practice tomorrow and work on tuesday. I had Convocation today and tuesday i have College day to go to. I however have nothing to do tomorrow which is just going to bother me since i can't see him.

But actually everything is going really well.

Friday, September 17, 2004

So I feel better. My allergies aren't bothering me hardly.

What??? You want to hear about the date?

Oh the date! I see... well he came over... well actually i was so nervous before he was there. Miranda called me and teased me about being nervous. She was like "Only 17 minutes left!". I was about to kill her.

Did i tell you the trick she played on me... well of coarse not.... see i had this dream about him cancling on me and it was so real.... So after i told her she called kevin and was like call jeanie and telll her that you have to cancel. SO HE DID... but he was so sorry afterwards.... I was about to cry... it was all in fun but i was about to kill miranda.... it wasn't at all serious... they were all laughing.... and....

Oh i am sorry did i get off track??? The date... ahh yes

Okay okay!

It was great.. Everything was beautiful and he was such a gentleman. He opened and shut the car door. He ask me if everything was okay. We talked like we had been friends for years. We went to dinner and then rented a movie and watched it at his house. It was really nice. It was so cute because neither of us wanted to leave each other. We get to see each other tomorrow night at a party...

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Tonight!

So my date it tonight. I am so nervous and excited. I am also so happy that my allergies aren't that bad today. Hee hee... i keep thinking to myself "I have a date tonight!" and then " With Kevin!!!!"

Thank you John for you kind words. I wanted to ask you how i can get a tagboard for my blog. if you could help me out that would be great.

Wish me luck tonight..... So excited!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I have a DATE!

Today is my orientation for college. I have to drive all the wat to clifton... and i really dont' feel like it. sigh... i talk to tony last night and told him how i felt. He was very upset but I felt relieved and that i made the right desicion.

Me and Kevin have a date on thursday. I am so excited and so nervous. Its been i a really long time since I've liked a guy like this. Probably since Jeff. and i never thought that i would meet anyone else who made me feel this way. So happy! I believe we are going to the movies. Or at least that was one of the options.

I talked to kevin a little while on the phone but Miranda called me and was crying because of Cody again so i had to be there for her. I just hope that she didn't call him last night after she left my house.

I am so excited about thursday. I woke up this morning happier just because thursday was closer. I am such a dork. Can you tell i haven't had a date in a while?

Monday, September 13, 2004

Sigh....

Mine and Tony's relationship is ending... and Kevin and my relationship is getting more serious. I know what my heart wants.. and thats Kevin. But I have no clue what to tell Tony. I have been up have the night thinking about Kevin and how we were last night... it felt so great and safe in his arms. I have also been up tossing and turning whenever i thought of tony. I know what i have to do... that just doesn't make it any easier. I care for Tony... but i don't see anything future wise and with Kevin I do or could. Kevin makes me feel safe and cared for, he makes me feel beautiful. Tony well doesn't. I know what I need to do. Sigh....

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Last night i was thinking... maybe to much. I was thinking about my relationship with Tony and how I am not sure if it's going to work. That scares me because he has always been there for me and if I decide that we shouldn't be together.. it would be different... Oh i dont know.

I was also thinking about my friends and how i have been distant to a lot of them lately. I don't hang out with half of them. Last night i went to hang out with my friend Tony B. we were really close in high school. I hadn't talk to him in a while. I knew that he had changed and everything. But last night i found out that he was a big pot head. That is the one thing that I can't stand. I still like Tony B. I just dont like that he smokes. I guess i was disappointed or something. I just care for him (friendship wise) and he does that. But i am not the kind of person that tells people what i think, you make your own decisions, you deal with your own life.

I started to think about college. I start in like 2 weeks. I am scared that it will be like Columbus and that i will hate it. I just get scared that i won't get there on time. I am one of those people that HAS to be on time but mostly early. I start freaking out if i am going to be late. I just hope that the classes are as big as everyone says. I don't deal well with being picked out. Although i like being the center of attention with my friends or boys (wink wink) i hate it in class.

I woke up this morning with my allergies in full blast. My head is killing me.. my throat is all scratchy and my eyes are watery. I am suppose to drive to UC today just to get use to the drive. I really know that i should. But i should and really need too.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

The Classics

I love having my license. Its really fun to just go were ever you want whenever you want.

Me and Tony's relationship is going good. We aren't technically together but we say "I love you". I don't know what it means because I just feel he is saying in because he is homesick, but i could be wrong.

Sigh.... Haha I am watching Hey Harnold! What a hilarious show. Ugene had is splean and tonsils taken out by mistake. How the hell is a hospital about to do that. God these shows are so corny now... i use to love this show too. I miss a lot of the really classic shows like

Are you afraid of the dark?
Hey dude!
Salute your shorts
Double dare
Clarrisa Explains it all
Rockos Modern Life ( I actually saw one of these when i was in Cancun. They played this show and Martin Mysteries all of the time. Also Ginger???)

I loved those shows... that and Super market Sweep! I think that might still be one but i am not sure.
I never done so much in my life yesterday. I went to payless, then meire and then Khols. Then i came home and ate lunch. Then i went to the pharmacy and to network... then home... and then my mom made me go to the bank... and then home.. and then Kim's house and to get chinease and back to kim's and then to kroger and then home and then Miranda's and then met some friends at the Plaza and then came home... man!


Friday, September 10, 2004

So Happy!

So i got my license!!!! I would have posted yesterday but i was out all night with my friend, driving of coarse.

I have to go look for a job since when i left to live in Columbus i gave up my other one. But now i am back and need one. So yeah... i am not sure where though. No one seems to be hiring.

I really want to go to Cincinnati Mills, the mall that replaced an old runned down mall, except that i would have to take the intersate and i have never drove on it yet at all.

Sigh.... well hmm... i think i might drive somewhere just because... I CAN! HAHA

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Eh????? HELP!

I take my license test tomorrow at 2!

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Let it all get more confusing while I am at it....

hung out with Miranda and some guys. One guy was someone that I was attracted to. Before everyone flips out and says “What about Tony?” we have decided that our relationship is going to be open. That way I won’t fell like I can’t live at college and that way we won’t be jealous the whole time that we are apart, which is a total of six years.

The guy…Kevin is a total gentleman but one of the biggest flirts that I have ever seen. You know when you have that one friend that seems to have to flirt with every guy that she sees, that’s Miranda to me. It’s just that I think that she needs to simmer. I mean yeah her and Cody did break up, YESTERDAY! That doesn’t mean she needs to hang all over everyone. I love Miranda to death. I just like it when she is in a relationship.

I was talking to Tony last night and he started breaking down about his parents. I sometimes feel like I can’t talk to him about it because I have never lost one parent let alone both of them. I feel like what I am saying to him has no sympathy what so ever because I have no idea what he is feeling. I just wish that he would talk to someone about. I literally had to force him. He needs to talk about instead of hiding it. It just sucks when I am trying so hard to help and he is trying so hard to hide.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

The Glimpse....

I had a glimpse last night. I have always wanted a glimpse to know what’s going to happen and to know that I am making the right decisions about things. Even though my glimpse was tiny and something that I could be reading to much into... there is no doubt in my mind that it was a glimpse.... something that said "Whoa there!". Excuse me for sounding like another farm animal but "BAH!".
It was like a day ago when I thought that I knew what I wanted. Now everything has doubt on it all because of my glimpse. Damn them.... you want them when you don’t have them and when you get them you wish that you’ve never got them! It was like this... me and tony were on the phone and he told me that we should talk about us being more than friends. I told them that I was scared because I didn’t want to get hurt and I also didn’t want to hurt him. He said that there was nothing that I could do that would hurt him, except cheat on him. Of coarse I know that this is untrue, I know that there is some things that he wouldn’t want to live with. I knew that I had to tell him about Chris. If you have been reading this blog from the beginning then you know that Chris is Tony’s friend and that we slept together a couple months ago. I told Tony this news, of coarse thinking that he would totally freak out. But he didn’t. You could tell that he was mad and being offly quiet but he said " I am just aggravated that it took you so long to tell me." I was like "Huh?". I wanted him to yell at me for some reason. I knew that I never should have slept with Chris. He and I were to different and got on each others nerves.
Oh but the glimpse... so he went to play basketball.... he hurt his hand again (he hurt it once when he got mad and punched a brick wall??? He broke it or something). And then I saw it... he wasn’t different, he was just in love. With me! And though its different that he loves me. He as person hasn’t changed and there fore will eventually hurt me again.... or at least that’s what I think... maybe I am scared to commit to him again... commit to someone who I will hardly see. It would be to hard. I want to see my boyfriend and make love with him. Not call him and see him randomly every couple of months for a few days. That not how I see myself in a relationship. The only thing is that I love him.
I lost my book. I bought a book yesterday and was reading before I went to bed. When I woke up it was gone. I can’t find it anywhere. I am about to make a missing sign here. I was in a really good part to but was way to tired to keep reading. Now I am in suspense. GRRR!

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Damn DVD players!

I got my temps, again. At least the first part of this impossible mission is over. Now i just have to take my license test this week one day. Miranda came over today. For some reason I haven't felt like doing anything. I have had the worst head ache all day and its just now finally going away. I think that she was mad that i did want to go out but oh well. Me and my sister tried to watch "The Prince and Me" but for some reason our DVD player kept skipping and freezing. I talked to tony last night. We are talking... TALKING about getting back together. I am not sure if its a good thing to do because of him being away all of the time (air force). Sigh.... i just dont know what to do about him...

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

The Haunting Past

Tonight I talked to Tony on the phone. There was something bothering me about him tonight. I think that I am afraid that I might do what I always do. I feel fine being cute with him on the phone and loving him the way that I do in private. I just know that there are so many people that believe we shouldn’t be together. I possible believe that myself. That is why now and in the past when we would talk on the phone and have a quiet relationship I loved it. But when it came out in the open I always ran away. I feel that when he comes in town from Texas, where he is stationed, that I will refuse to see him because I will be to scared of what other people think and knowing that I possible think that way too. I know that it might be hard to understand but Tony and I love each other. We have problems that married people have problems with. We talk like we have been together for our whole lives. We know each other so well that I already know all of his flaws and the things he does that ges on my nerves. I believe that one day we will get married... or do I? I think about it all the time. I know that there is someone out for me. Some one like Jeff, Jeanie? Yes to answer that truthfully. Jeff is the only boyfriend who actually treated me with respect and the way that I should be treated. I liked Jeff, I love him now. I didn’t know what I had when I had it and I lost it because I was being selfish. I regret it. I have moved on from Jeff. I know that he is happy. I know that I could never be with him. But I also know that I deserve to be treated the way that Jeff treated me. Tony never treated me that way. Now before you assume that our relationship was unhealthy, it wasn’t. We were young and didn’t understand what it really meant to have a sexual relationship. He says now that he has changed. That he understands now how to treat me. And how he should have in the past. He says that he was wrong for everything bad that he has ever done to me. He seems that he has changed over the phone, which is or only form of fast communication. He is the Tony I always wanted when I was 15. I am 18 now. If I didn’t try I would feel like I would regret it. But how many chances are you suppose to give someone? How do you know when enough is enough? I know that I have to try this time. This will be the last time. I will know when he comes into town and how he treats me. *yawn* Sorry its really late. Sometimes I fear that all our past relationship was just sexual. I mean I was there for him with a lot of things, major things... Tony is a guy who is really private about stuff. His father passed away when he was young. He would never talk about it and when it was brought up he would get really angry and change the subject. I learned quickly not to talk about it. After that he loved with just his mother. His mom was unemployed and practically depended on Tony to make all the money for all the bills and rent on there apartment. I am not wealthy but we are well off. I never understood how much he had to deal with. Then it happened one night when we went over to his house. We went in the back way which we normally did when his mother was home so we wouldn’t disturb her, she wasn’t the most social person you’ve ever met but nice when you talked to her. He went to get something and I was in his room watching television. He came running in and got a blanket and told me to stay inside the room. I was like ok?? What’s going on here? I looked out of the door and his mom was lying on the floor. Something was terribly wrong. Tony was hysterical. He finally let me help and he called 911. I had to talk to them because he was so upset. That was the first time I ever saw Tony cry. *yawn* It was the weirdest thing. I do well under stressful situations. So I handled everything. We went to the hospital and everything. His mother died on Thanksgiving. His father had died on Christmas Eve. I know that it has to be hard for him. I am the only one that knows all of this... I am glad feel he can tell me all of this. I do care for him dearly. And I do miss him. I just hope that he isn’t going to hurt me again. When we went out we had sex like any normal couple. One night we had sex and yeah it turned "unsafe". To make a long story short... we thought i was pregnant. He decided in the middle of it all that he couldn't deal with it and broke up with me. I turned out not to be pregnant. I also found out that what happened that night was as risky as we all thought it was and all the stress that we put onit was what cause me to be late and made me think that i was pregnant. I was hurt that he would leave me. He would have never left the child, if there had been one. He just realized, and at the time i was to young to realize that we didn't need the consequences in our lives. I love tony.....