Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Good morning, starshine... the earth says hello!

Is it weird to be friends with your UPS guy? Because i am. I have the same UPS guy that comes to my work that comes to my house. He is in his 40's and is really nice, sometimes a lil to nice... but not in a creepy way. I was out side redoing the christmas decorations (my sister tired but doesn't have an ounce of creativity in her body) and the UPS truck comes up the road. I knew it was Tom (thats his name) and it was just a little odd.

Anothering thing that was a little odd was that, see i am also on myspace but to be fair to blogger i NEVER make journal posts, some guy IMed me because my screen name is on my page and i was "Who are you?" and he went on to tell me he thought i was cute (which i never believe because most guys who randomly IM me are looking to "talk dirty" or get laid, which you shouldn't because thats gross and like i really trust you since were talking over the internet) He seemed nice and at the time i was writing my post from yesterday and it seemed ok since i was only talking to one other person. So we talked and everything was peachy and apparently he lives somewhere in my city which thankfully is HUGE... but yeah he was like wanna play 20 questions.. i was like as long as its PG-13 even though i am 19 i just didn't want to hear and thing disgusting or have him ask the one question guys seems is so important (the whole V thing)... he was like OF COARSE! i was like ok go... it go so weird... he was like do you like to cuddle... he wasn't a mad he was some weird flip flop loving cuddling walking on the beach clubbing psycho STALKER... he was like "I am looking for that girl that i can love and care for and cuddle with and tell he i love her and i think you could be her!!!! WHOA! I talked to him for like 20 minutes... damn i know i am friendly but come on! It was creepy and his questions were just strange... I eventually blocked him because i was bored and getting a little creeped out...

but that was that... Tomorrow is going to be kind of breezy in the fact that i only have 2 classes!!!!! i only have foundations and drawing although i do have to meet my speech partner in the library... but that won't take to much time... well i need to eat something even though we have nothing...

Also nothing from Jeff... he is either waiting for school to be over for me because he is thoughtful like that or he well just doesn't care... which sucks and what not but i am really trying to focus and not give in to the fact that i do want to see him... There was a comment from well i am going to call him Jedi because thats all i can remember from his name so "Jedi" guy said that eventual i will feel resentment... which i was thinking about that and i thought "Jeff is eventually going to regret this whole thing... and I can't wait" i was like WHOA! he was right... i don't plan on making jeff feel bad or messing with his feelings... i just think i want to see him and actually see he is here say hello and then i'll be ok...

WHATEVER! ahhh!
Oh yeah i got into my Graphic design class!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Randomness that is my life

The place i took my car as yet to send me the estimate on it. I am terribly pissed about the whole situation. But in like a week in a half it'll be taken care of. So thats relieving. I think the reason i was so purturbed was because its such a new car and i love it so much...... anyway... all jokes aside (haa haa i named my car... i am weird whatever!!!)

We got out early today or drawing. Technically the teacher never showed up. So we left like 30 minutes after class was suppose technically start. So that was cool. No one made fun of the fact that my car had a huge dent in it. I am going to be so happy when its gone.... anyway...

Last saturday i went to the club with 3 friends of mine. I would just like to say that guys are extremely RUDE and think that they are the shit! They would grab our asses and touch us all nasty... ugh! Some guy took a picture with his cell of my chest... i was hella pissed! So guys when you go to a club come up and dance but geezus don't be so grabby and touchy....

Its really windy in ohio...and um kentucky... haa!

Anyway... there really isn't anything to say about the Jeff thing... just that he was on my side of the city yesterday. which bothered me but not as much as i thought it would. I don't really know what or if he is really thinking about me and honestly its not really bothering me that much. I use to constently think about it but now i am so into school its insane. I love it when the pressures on!

I have to make a box dissapear in a corner... yes thats right. Its going to be sooooo much fun... i am going to hate it in the end but i am pumped... i get to start it thursday... can't freaking wait!!!

The only real dilemma is my car but hopefully that will get taken care of ASAP... Jeff well it bothers me a lil but there really isn't anything i can do.. so well see what happens...

Monday, November 28, 2005

FUCK!

I NEVER use the f- word hardly... its just not nice. But today i mean it. Today it messed with my favorite thing in the whole wide world and i am so fucking pissed. While i was at the doctor's, apparently either someone rammed there door into the passenger side of my car OR (and this is what the cop thinks) a branch from the tree hanging over my car fell on it and made a HUGE ass dent in my brand new 2005 chevy cobalt. If you know me then you know i LOVE heart and adore my car more than almost anything. I am so fucking angry because i have to get an estimate then wait a week before i even get it fixed... A FUCKING WEEK... i am so freaking angry.... Poor Chase (thats my car's name), its because he is fast and guys like to chase me (hee hee get it) anyway. SO in conclusion trees suck, wind sucks, other people who don't know how to open there doors suck, cheviot cops suck because i have no idea what his name was and all he kept say was "Wow!" "That sucks". Then he asked what year my car was and i told him a 2005 and he goes "Oh WOW its BRAND new!" Like i didn't fucking know that!!!!! Oh yeah and "Organic Material" Sucks too... not to mention the fact that i have so much homework to do and i am so tired and my car has a dent on the passenger side *cries*!!! WHY! why can't something go right for once.... see i finally moved on from Jeff to the point where i am not thinking about him hardly and really not effected much by that situation and then this happens. I just want to cry.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The plan

The plan is to keep busy... work, go to school, do homework, and go out with my friends... The past 4 days have been non stop and i am glad. Although i am so tired and i am sure i SHOULD calm down a little i think that being so busy is really helping me from thinking or talking to Jeff which wouldn't help the situation. I am aggravated with him since i talk to him on the phone. I just wish he could see how much he has changed and the desicions that he is making will stifle him later in life.

Yesterday i worked for 8 hours then went shopping with megan from 6-8:30 and then went clubbing with Lindz till 3 am... from 9 am till 3 am... i was non stop... and even though my head is pounding and my legs feel like they might fall off i LOVED it so much. I didn't think about jeff at all when i was on the dance floor. It really helped me see also that other guys find me attractive and are interested in me.

Today is a full day of homework... I have so much... finals are coming up and i am so glad because i need the pressure... wooo! Let go!

I do think though that i wont have i guess closure until i guess we see each other, me and jeff. But will just see about that... sigh...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Its D-Day...

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That plane is me... I was fine yesterday... today i think i have said maybe 5 words out loud. Oh don't worry bout lil ol me... my schedual is packed... this is really the only free time i am going to have for a while. I have to work at 3 till 8 and then me and my sister are going to see Rent tonight... Then i will sleep... and thansgiving is tomorrow...

The thing thats not helping is it seems my mother is mad at me but isn't telling me why...

I haven't cried... i almost did and then i try to keep thinking about how aggravating the conversation was and how glad i am that i got to tell him everything. The thing thats getting my down is that IF thing. If we were still together i would extatic right now... I probably would have called off work and we would run to each other and hug and kiss and be so happy... and say things like "if we can be apart for this long we can do anything." Yes i have really thought about it, i know it makes me a loser but right now i could really give a crap...

When i think of today i think of bombs soaring and exploding and me running around aimlessly... oh but my hair looks perfect (i don't know why that is... maybe because it does look pretty today)

It snowed last night. Its technically the first real snow. Its the only snow that has stuck to the ground... It mostly a dusting and most of it will soon melt away. I am glad that today was the first snow. I am a winter person. I love wearing winter coats and sweaters. Scarfs are my favorite. Snow makes everything look beautiful and romantic. And i always think my complection goes well since i am so fair skinned. When i got up this morning and looked outside it was a blistering snow... so fun.. the kind you hope for to get off school... the kind you like so you can put a fire on.. drink a cup of hot chocolate...

So its D-Day. My personal apperence is no indicator to the fact that inside my heart is shaking... my nerves are shot... i am walking around slightly numb, nothing anyone says to me will help and if someone says something rude i might go off on them.

About me and jeff seeing each other. If he calles me and i am not busy and dont have to change my schedual for him then i will see him. I will not call him. I will not hang out with him with other friends. I might even get there if he calls me and say i can't do this. I don't want to have to act like i don't love him. I don't want to have to walk on egg shells around him. I refuse to be fake. This is making me upset so i am going to move on...

A fellow blogger commented on my word vomit. What he said was extremely insightful. Something i think i needed to hear. I am wanted to know how guys took things like this and he let me know. So thank you g3jedi24! It really helped.

Hopefully tomorrow i can help cook some. I want too. It will keep me busy. I want to make a pie or the cranberry sauce.I can't wait for turkey. I think if there is time tomorrow i have a huge paper to write still and art to do. Also there are many movies on tomorrow that i would love to watch. So tomorrow not such a big deal. Friday i am planning on going shopping. I know its crazy on black friday but GOOD DEALS! Sunday is the worst day because i don't work and i don't have anything planned........ugh... ill worry about that later...

Well i need to go eat before work... thank you everyone for being nice to me about the whole situation... HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Monday, November 21, 2005

Word Vomit

I should have copied and pasted my embaressment last night... but i forgot and i just wanted to get the hell out of the conversation. I told jeff that i wanted to see him when he came in and it was important and that we need to talk. His respnds to that was "What about?" and i, being stupid or out of my mind at that moment, said "Us, to talk about Us." Where he replyed to "What about it?"... then i signed off and started getting a little teary eyed... I called Diana and she said i should just do what i feel is right... i thought that i should just call him and you know tell him everything then because he already knew that something was up. Then Angie called me and said that she thought i should and gave me this really cool pep talk. I called him...

Lets just say that i am not nervous about him coming home. I am a little let down because he doesn't think that he should date anyone from home. The conversation was 2 hrs long... and the weird thing is i am fine... just a little like "What should i do now?" Because i didn't really think it would go this way and even though we said we would hang out and see each other i am not to sure that i want to now... basically yesterday was a full day of word vomit. I said so much stuff bluntly and i think that with what he had to say to me about the fact that he doesn't want to date anyone made my word vomit ok. I don't regret it. I am not upset. I feel like eventually Jeff is going to Regret what he didn't say because he began to say a lot of stuff and then didn't. I am glad that i won't look back and think that i should have done something because i did do what i wanted.

Although it sucks... and i might be a little depressed for a couple... but i think eventually i will be my wonderful lovely self again....


(i posted a new picture on my profile but for some reason the old one is still showing up on the blog site... just to let you all know...)

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Photo Project

I saw this on other blogs and decided that it would be cool do waste time doing.

Directions: Go to google images and search for the place you were born with out quotations and pick your favorite picture. Here is mine...

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Now search for where you live now. Here's mine...

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Now search your name, with no quotes! Here is mine...

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Now do your grandmothers name...

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Now search for your favorite food... here is mine (which i ate for lunch today)


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Now you need something to drink...

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Search for your favorite smell... here is mine


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Now the hard one... Your favorite song...

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Can you Guess what mine are???

1. I was born in San Clemente California.
2. I live in Cleves, Ohio... boring!!
3. My name is Jeanie. So i guess I dream of jeanie...
4. Apparently my grandmas name has something to do with aloe??? OOOH! Aloe Vera! My Grandma's name is Vera... HAAHAAHAA!
5. Chinese Food... Beef Lo Mein and Fried Rice mmmmmmmmm!
6. Lemonade... delicious!
7. I love the smell of fabric softner!
8. "Home" by Michael Buble... right now is one of my many favorites... this one is hard...

OK I AM TELLING JOHN THAT HE HAS TO DO THIS AND PASS IT TO SOMEONE. (really i am just making him post... its been forever...)

Right on!

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Chicago Pictures



Chicago Building




You can just feel all kinds of emotions when you look at this.




This is the "L". we never took it because we didn't know where it went or how to get up there. But it was interesting when it went over head. It was very loud but i loved it.



I know this piece looks creepy but this has to be my new favorite artist. The detail and perception and use of color. I love this painting.



Seeing this piece up close to where i could see the brush strokes was intense. You can only feel that way if you truely love art.







Millenium Park

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Last night i didn't sleep very well. I went to bed at 12 and woke up at every hour. By 6am i just laid there. I technically have 6 days before i should even be thinking about anything happening. The funny thing is i don't know if anything is going to happen. I am loosing confidence that we will see each other... or if we do that it might actually go well. Yesterday i felt confident in the morning but it took just one person to say "You are planning on seeing him?" to make me reconcider and think that it could just be a huge mistake. The person it came from was shocking so that didn't help. I went from being like "He does want to see me, and i know we will see each other" to "This could make things worse, what if he doesn't want to see me!" It sucks how one person can really change and turn things totally upside down.

I feel weird today. When I actually got out of my bed it was 7:15 am. I had to be at school at 9 to talk to my counslor. Every day when i get up i go turn on the computer and then make breakfast. Today was no different. I got up... went down stairs, turned on the computer, out the tea pot on the stove, signed into aim, made my oatmeal (peaches and cream mmmm.) amd then did my morning ritual of checking emails and reading updated blogs... checking for comments, you know the usual... i feel like i could just cry... if anyone says something mean that i could just freak out and cry... thats why i feel weird. And when i signed on i didn't think that Jeff would be online... well he might have been online but i thought that he would have an away message up... i got nervious with his screen name just sitting there mocking me... like "I am here! I am here!!!!" i wanted to punch it or tell him everything right then... but i knew it wasn't the time or place... definaitly not the time (way to early esspecially for him). But last night when we talk online the conversation was horrible. It was monotone and lame (if you don't believe me ask john!). Although i know that John is totally on my side through all of this he said it wasn't me who was being lame it was jeff. I felt from the conversation that what if he isn't interested in me anymore. The reason we broke up was because of distance not because we didn't care about each other. I keep getting a question thrown in my face of will you date someone else. I say no. I think it would really hurt me if he did. I would be extremely upset.

In last nights conversation I said "Are you excited about coming home" his response was "Of Course. I need a break" mine was "Me too". When in reality i was saying " I am excited for you to come home and hope to see you and you should really ask to see me right now!" but i think that he missed that or guys don't or can't read between the lines. I just know that i can't feel like this for a week. Maybe longer. I know that if he doesn't call me i'll call him eventually because i do think we need to at least talk about this.

Apparently this is suppose to be helping. Venting through my blog. But honestly its making me think of more things. What if he gets angry or uncomfortable? What if i get hurt?

Last night i talked to Miranda on the phone. Immediantly she was like "whats wrong?" i was like "Psh NOthing!" she was like "You are lying!" I was like "Ill tell you in a minutes. She just told me to let things take its course and what will happen is suppose to happen. I plan on doing that. She also said that if i do cry when i see him, which i will because i cry when i just think about it, that i need to think about if i am crying because i am scared or if it because i miss him. I think its both but i think its mostly because i miss him so much. I think i might feel alot better once i just see him and say i missed him and give him a hug. Maybe if i just do that i'll be fine. My nerves are so shaddered. I look fine on the outside but i am freaking out on the in. My head hurts... (porbably from lack of sleep)... my eyes are all on the verge of tears and all burney feeling.... (also some from lack of sleep)... I keep getting goosebumps all over my body and i am wearing my jacket and then a jean jacket and then a long sleave shirt and i am inside a heated building!

Let me try to talk about something else...

I signed up for next semester... here are my classes

American politics 8am- 915
Foudations: studio 2 9 25- 12 05
Concepts in Art: 12 15- 1 30
Contemporary Mass Media: 1 40- 2 55
Race, Gender and Mass Media: 3 05- 4 20

I am glad to be leaving anytime earlier than 9 pm... WOO HOO!

While i was writing that i thought about the problem but i got through it??? ugh...

Some one please help me.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Windy City (Part Two)

Friday (cont.): So we got to Chicago... Did everything that was schedualed... went back to our hotel... FOUR GIRLS in ONE room! AHHHH!Bbut we made it work. Me and diana and amanda decided that we were going to go the Blackhawks game... we got lost... and we ended up in the GHETTO... i was wearing my crisp white peacoat and my burberry scarf and was standing in the Ghetto by a KFC on the corner of 55th st. and Roseavelt... we tried to call a cab company but they didn't understand us because they didn't speak english ( i am not trying to be um... judgemental but i think you should know how to speak a lil english if you are catering to the American public!)

*** FOOD BREAK *** (mmm a piece of turkey and a reese cup.. we don't have any food!!!)

ok... So we got lost only ended up seeing like 25 minutes of the game and then went to an italian resturaunt and i had authentic chicago pizza. It was good... the wine was better... (illeagally of corse) and then we went back to the hotel feeling pretty damn good about our adventure to the ghetto and ending up smiling. The rest of the weekend was packed while schedualed activities... seeing original Monet and Van gough and it was just amazing... i took pictures... ill post them...eventually

Although chicago was amazing and i loved the city feel i wished that jeff could have been there with me. He really would have loved all of the musuems... he has been there before but just for a parade... he is coming home in ONE WEEK... ONE WEEK... i am beinning to shake already... i am having very mix emotions about seeing him and if i do how it should be done and what i should say and do and i just know that i am going to cry when i see him... god i miss him so much... its just rediculous...ahhhh!

I feel terrible... i am just not in the mood to give you a chicago play by play... i have so much on my mind about other things... that and i have no time... i have to go get ready to go see my mom and then go to the doctor... no i am not sick... just one of those routine check ups... **sigh**

I just don't know... next week is going to be interesting... ah yes tomorrow... i sign up for next semester classes... i am taking Foundations 2 and Concepts in Art...and i might take Intro to graphic design if i am aloud... and something in journalism because if you go through journalism you can take the advertising classes... so that should be fun... But hey if you ever took a class that you thought was awesome and you think that it would be cool for me to look into just let me know...

that and any guidelines about the jeff thing... which by the way will be the common link in all of the post until next week....(i am freaking out)

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Windy City (Part One)

Well this is just the beginning of the story:

Friday: Woke up at 4:30 AM after for to sleep at 1:30 AM. Very tired!!! Got to school at 6:07ish and waited for "my peeps" to show up. We all got there and started are long ass bus ride to Chicago... the bus was... interesting. There was graphic carpeting on the ceiling. There were small TV's over head so we watched movies (Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory). Which made me think about Jeff because we saw that movie together before he left. So half way through the movie i put on some music and zoned out while looking out the window. I got like um 2 minutes of sleep... yeah wow... We stopped and got food at Wendy's which was um good??? Anyway! Me and Diana ended up being the last people on the bus because I HAD to get gum... seriously i did... it was life or death. Then we got back on the bus and Diana watched The Boone Dock Saints (which was creepy and disgusting) and i listened to my CD player... we FINALLY got to Chicago... we went to the musuem of Photography... it was good... very interesting... then we went to millenium park.. very good but my damn batteries went dead!!! GRR!....

............ I have to post later... i need to go to Michael's.... sorry... i'll have pictures too!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I'll talk to you all in 3 days!!!

So i get to post 1 more time before i leave... I hope everyone has a great weekend... and does something fun... as i will be in Chicago.. I am looking forward to it but I am a little iffy about the whole thing.... i dont know what it is... being away from home... my friends.... things that keep me me... or if i am just worried because i worry about everything...


I AM IN CHICAGO!!!!!!!!!!! ILL POST MONDAY!

Things to do before Chicago (Tomorrow)....

1.) Take Car Payment to the post office (I forgot to this morning :( )
2.) Go to Supply store and get the following
a.) black liquitex paint
b.) Black, white, off white, gray paper
(at least 9x12)
c.) White Charcoal Pencils
d.) Conte Crayon
3.) Do outline for Speech
4.) Do Problem Statement for Foundations (which i should be doing now!)
5.) Get food sometime... a drink too!
6.) Finish packing for Chicago.. things to pack..
a.) Heavy Jacket
b.) Nice Shoes
c.) Gym Shoes
d.) Sweater (2)
e.) Toothbrush & toothpaste
f.) Brush
g.) Hair Products (to many to list)
h.) Make up (hey no one is naturally this beautiful!)
i.) camera and memory card and batteries (ahh need to charge)
7.) I might post... again... just to say goodbye for 3 DAYS!

I am sure i am forgetting something.... its probably something huge too... Gosh i hope chicago is fun and is worth getting up at 4:30 in the morning.... Who leaves at 7 am??? HONESTLY!!! It takes me like 45 minutes to get to school so i need time! thats why i am getting up so early... i should eat breakfast before i go... ahh i should make a TO DO list before i should go to chicago...

1.) Eat breakfast
2.) Get money from ATM because its to early for the bank to be open.
3.) Pack everything in car....
4.) remember everything!!! Insurence card and what not
5.) take magazines... or a book... ooo i should go buy a book... god i am not focused today...

I need to go to english now before i just lay down somewhere and fall asleep... last night i was up till the early morning working on my sculpture that looks like crap... i am not a 3D artist at all... i am glad that i could try and it was fun.. i guess. But wow mine isn't up to my standards... OH YEAH... I still need to glue the styrofoam ball to my sculpture... I TOLD YOU I WAS MISSING ONE!!!

Well till later.... if i don't post again today i will on Monday... i know i know thats a long time with out me... but you'll get a full report on chicago...k!?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

It all seems so blurry...

This week is going really fast... I thought that i would go extremely slow since i have Chicago this weekend and when you have something fun time seems to take forever. Well not this time! Its not a bad thing. I am looking forward to Chicago. Its going to be a very good learning experience. I keep thinking about the phone call to Jeff. I am not analyzing it but just kind of taking it all in. I am not sure if i am ready for him to come home because i really don't know how thats going to go.

Today i should be working really hard on homework and stuff... but i am not... I will do it when i get home and in the morning before school. I need to pack for Chicago... and all that good stuff... its so great that i have 3 things due tomorrow... oh yay... bahh!

I kind of feel like life is zooming buy and all i see is something like a blurry picture... Its sad because i don't feel like i am taking it in or making memories but that i am just so busy that i can't really make everything so great...

Well i really need to get some stuff finished before work...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Call....

So I did it... i called jeff...

***SIGH****

It took a lot of encouragement on my part to make it happen. I had to replay the words that John said in my head. "Write a letter call him, do something, anything!" It seems mean but hell it worked. I am glad that i called him. Aparently he talks about me down there in Savannah. Which made all my worries of the fact that he knows i still exsist. He seemed excited about coming home in 2 weeks and made apoint of saying 2 weeks alot. Now i am sure he is excited to see everyone and not only me... or well he said he wanted to see me but i dont know if he is excited about it. He was a little preaccupied when i called him helping a friend out with a problem so the converstation although went well and was 30 minutes long seemed short. It was probably the fact that i hadn't heard his voice in over a month and the fact that it felt so right to talk to him. It was a little akward on my part because i was so nervious. My whole bady was shaking everytime he talked. Like not like nervious twitch but like my whole bady was shivering and i had goose bumps all over me... it was hard and my voice seemed to be a little shaky but i went with it anyway. I think i am slightly repressing my extreme happiness because there was a little confusion on what was being said... Jeff seemed um... conflicted??? I think he misses me and i think that we still care about each other (maybe) but i think that he thinks that he made the right desicion for the situation so he would say something really nice and then he would say something like BUT... or ANYWAY... I think that when he comes in at some point in time we should figure it all now... But for right now i have him in my life... be it my friend... i know that he cares about me and he knows that i care about him. I call him MY Jeffrey because he is mine... and he doesn't mind... it made him blush... I am happy that maybe if we can salvage the bond that we undoubtably have with each other time and distance won't be so important... Now for the next 2 weeks i am going to be worried out of my mind about seeing him and although i should try and deal with this on my own... if my faithful readers could just give me a instant in there lifes.... have you ever had that akward hello after a very horrible goodbye? Did you run into an ex, what happened? If you were in my situation what would you do? Its scary to think that i would do something rediculous out of extreme nerviousness... i want to be able to see it from all perspectives... In every light... all i know if though... i got the best sleep last night because i had the person that i care about to talk to before i went to sleep and a pleasent thought of him in the morning.... oh how i am going to stretch the comfort i recieved from him last night....

The amazing thing is I called him on my own.... I just did it... i did think about it for like an hour before it actually happened and i am trying not to get my hopes up for anything to develope because this is making me happy but i do want to look on the positive side... i had a feeling last night that i should call him and i did... i am glad.... i am sure that i could have been sweeter and said somethings different but i am in no way regretful... * releases a sigh of thankfullness* I am less stressed about not having him in my life and in that place is stress of seeing him but i think i like this stress more...

Till later

Friday, November 04, 2005

Oh my this week...

This week is finally coming to an end. This week was stressful and really busy. Its not that there was more homework than usual i guess it was just... busy. I was at school yesterday from 9 am to 12am... wow! i Just realized how long that really is.. I had to though... stuff to do... people to talk to... get something things done... procrastinating on other things...

*** something just fell from the roof of our house***

I am glad that friday is finally here... in a week i will be in Chicago!!! Which should be fun... I am going to remember to take mass pictures and up load them...

*** it was a cat***

I bought 2 books today so that will keep me busy for a lil while. I am feeling a little uncertain about somethings right now... John you have been very helpful in this whole situation and i know that you think that i should do something but i am not sure if i really need to... or not. I will make the desicion when i think the time is write as for right now everything is going well...

I think Chicago is going to help me see outside this place... its going to make me more refreshed i think...

You can call it procrastination if you want but i dont want to regret anything...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Lets try this AGAIN

Yes thats correct... I tried to post before. I actually had a very lengthy and very descriptive well thought out post and when i hit the Publish button i lost it all. Bummer i suppose. It kind of makes you not want to rewrite everything that you full heartedly wrote thinking you wouldn't be rewriting it. Learned my lesson. Maybe i should write all my post in word first so i don't loose EVERYTHING. I am sorry but the lost post was a great one. One that i thought about. I am very bitter and am not afraid to say it!!!!

So i suppose I will just suck it up and rewrite everything because if i don't i will later... and i will regret this post... or this post would mearly be me whining about the freaking blogger website (gahhhh!). Maybe its the unlimited advertisments that aren't actualy blogs mucking up the publishing waves. Maybe if they made some sort of... i don't know... rule that you have to actually have a life and if you want to sell something go to ebay. I am sure half of this aggression is mask emotions over flowing on the Blogger.com. I am sure some really experienced therpist could say that because my Lost Post was about the wonderful jeff i am heaving the anger toward a different source just so that jeffrey can look like a hero in my eyes. I am ok with that actually. Because i AM mad at blogger and i KNOW that i have some anger toward Jeff... I mean HELLO!!!! We aren't together anymore because he decided that it would be better for ME! Because it would benefit me! SO that i am not sad anymore! Well sorry charlie but i don't think it worked. I think the sadness just manifested itself to change to the situation... which honestly the situation is all that different if you thing about it. OK so before i was sad because we weren't together.... HAAA! and now omg look at that... i am sad because WE AREN'T TOGETHER! That is mearly brillant on my part dontcha think. I am so sorry for my sarcasim but lets just say waking up at 7:30 to Michael Buble singing "Home" didn't really start my day off by NOT thinking of jeff. Seriously. The song home is about missing someone and not wanting to be around other people and writing LETTERS!!!! LETTERS!! (random thought: i wish i had a chair... this is really hurting my back) Going back we aren't together and i think the pain is worse since we aren't together at all. I mean technically we never have to talk or see each other for the rest of our lives. I mean we obviously know we both exsist but we can now act like we don't if we really wanted to. (Random thought: i think that boy should give me his stool... hmm maybe not it looks like he is actually doing homework were as i am.... not?) Where as before we were "together" like a couple but just not in the same area.

So i woke up to "Home" being played on my alarm clock... all about letters... as for my own letter... its still in the making. It's making me feel... ummm... i guess better.... its kind of like leaveating some of the stress and pain and add some more. The stress of saying things so he understands and doesn't get frustrated is hard because it totally makes sense in my head and on paper. I am try to adapt it for him. I mean guys in general aren't big readers of the mushy subjects. Its long which you know could make him NOT read it. That would suck. The fact that i actually have to finish it and send it... yeah... thats some stress that i didn't have before. I think the one thing that is still making me do it anyway is that its more that i need to say it than to get him to change his mind... i highly doubt it would change his mind but if i don't say these things i will regret it and i don't think i would be able to comfortably talk to him unless i do.

yeah...

(hmm that guy left that had the stool... well... Nope! Someone took it when i wasn't looking!) You know i never thought of the library as where all the guys hung out but apparently i am surrounded by them. To bad... its slightly a shame... I kind of feel for guys if they flirt with me or try and talk to me in more of a friendly way... because why they think they are making a gesture and taking the effort i am thinking " I miss Jeff." I know this is probably unhealthy but i am not planning on dating till i don't really mind if he does and yeah that hasn't happened AT ALL! One thing that i have realized with writing the letter is that if and its a HUGE if... if i do find some special guy i would take is super slow. Holding hand wouldn't be random and kissing would mean a lot more. Plus neither one of those things would happen until we are friends first.. before i can trust him and the term boyfriend now has just so much more meaning... i don't think i want to take advantage of the responsiblity to just have one... i want the person to mean something more than i was attracted to them.... anyways... thats for a way future refrences because i still can even imagine some guy touching me... for example today in english some guy touched my foot... MY FOOT... because apparently i was wiggling it at an extremely impressive rate and he decided that he should slow me down... but he did it in a slight affectionate way that made me want to smack him across the face and tell him although i am single my heart is taken... but luckly i held back and was just a lil stunded for a minute.... well i have to stop this post somewhere.. and i need to go do stuff like eat lunch and make 3D sculptures....

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Writing the letter....

So i am taking the time and writing the letter... its slightly long. And the fact is that i don't know that i have actually started to say everything that i want to. Everyones advice has put things into perspective and have made me see it from every angle and possiblity. Sending the letter is going to be a WHOLE different story. It is going to take a lot to send it. I need to make sure that i won't regret saying and but make sure that i am saying everything that i need to.

Just a brief updating:

school: Its busy but good. Chicago is coming SOON!!

work: stressful... busy... money... thats about it

Everything else: busy... Basically i am just busy. Homework is always being done... its tiring... but ya gotta do it!