Wednesday, December 28, 2005

*cries*

Andrew isn't posting anymore for a while. *sniffle*

I wish he'd reconsider.

I miss you Andrew! I am here if you need me!

*blows nose disgustingly*

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Christmas eve... and nothing to do...

I am not feeling that great. I feel all achey. I hope i am not getting the flu. I don't know whats going on tonight. Like i wanna go see Bryon. But i feel bad because it's christmas eve. But it's kind of funny because I am the only one home right now! How lame is that!? I could go surprise Bryon... *thinks* i don't know...

I called him earlier to see what he was doing because work was so boring today. He didn't seem very happy. But he said that if we have christmas eve dinner that he might come.... I doubt it because he seems a lil scared to meet my parents. I think that its normal to be scared and when the time comes that he will be perfectly fine..

I kind of want to go see him. I miss him. (how lame again). I could just lay around and watch "Must Love Dogs" since my parents rented that movie. I could call and see if he wants me to come up....

I have been a lil worried lately. Because he lives so far away and then going back to school i don't know when we are going to see each other. I might have to get a new cell phone or a different plan because apparently i don't have long distance on my phone right now... ugh whatever!

I'll figure something out...

Friday, December 23, 2005

The worries that come with a Relationship...

So ill try this again... something is up with my computer... sigh

Yesterday was a long day. I went shopping all day and then drove out to see Bryon. We are doing good i believe. We have fun together. I just need to not be worried all the time. I don't want to be all insecure about the relationship. Its just with my past relationships its hard for me to trust guys. I want to trust him so much. And its really all i can do right now because he hasn't given me a reason not to.

It is different dating someone older. He is very vocal and blunt. It can be a little weird but i am getting use to it. I can tell how much he likes me. He makes me feel important. so that good. The physical attraction is very much there. And our personalities work will together. We have fun and laugh. The only thing that i am worried about is that with him being older i don't know if he is just interested in sex or if he really wants a relationship. He doesn't seem like the type that would cheat or "play" me. He calls me and wants me to come over. He likes being with me so i am sure that its all in my head, again the trust issues. He makes me feel really safe. I think i am just wanting to know if this is going to work out or not. I don't want to be in a relationship that is just going to end and i get hurt. I think he wants a long term relationship but he is kind of scared to be forward in saying that because he has been hurt in the past as well...

I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. I am taking it day by day. If it work, yay! If it doesn't then it just doesn't.

I have to go make cookies now. If anyone has any advice i am feeling a little out of my element or i am just worried... sigh....

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

My new boy adventure!

I found out my grades and they are awesome. I have a 3.0 GPA so YAY for me! My parents are so proud!

I met a guy. His name is Bryon. He is really sweet and so cute! Although I know that I am not totally over Jeff and that it might take a long time before I am completely over him. The fact is that is doesn't bother me as much anymore if he is dating or seeing someone. I know that eventually I had to move on. And even if most of the people think that Bryon might be a rebound, he doesn't feel like one. I am not saying by any means that I yet have strong feelings for him. We are "Dating". And we like each other but its going to take a lot more getting to know each other before anything strong comes along.

I am scared that it might not work out because I still care about Jeff, a lot. I just feel like if I don't take the chance to work with the feels I do have for Bryon I am always going to be sitting around waiting for Jeff to come back. And I know that its not going to happen.

Regardless, our relationship, Mine and Bryon's, is going to have to be really casual for a while anyway. He doesn't live particularly close to me. And we both have busy schedules. Him with work and me with work and school.

I know what you are thinking. "Jeanie! He doesn't live close to you! But that's how you and Jeff couldn't make it work!" Well first of all Jeff lived 12 hours away. Bryon lives about 50 minutes away. Second, anytime I can hop in my car and go over there because he has his own place. So really its way better this way I think. I want to be able to keep the life I have now and also maintain a relationship. This way we won't always be around each other. And we wont get sick of each other to fast....

... He is a lil older than me. He is almost 25. It doesn't bother either of us at all. I don't know about my parents though...


It's almost Christmas everybody!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

My Weekend

Thursday night: Club

Friday Night: Club

Saturday night: CLUB!!!

Ahh craziness! So... tired..

Neeeeeed Sleep!!!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Kenya!

Aww they are cute, I want them!



(If you don't know what these are from, which you SHOULD, go here : Kenya)

The ups and downs of clubbing

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So I went out last night with Lindz, Jessica, and Lori. We always have so much fun. We got into one of our clubs free because, well, we are cool like that. It was overly crowded though which made it a Lila' hard to move at times. Lindz got up into some guys face because he decided that he could cut in between our group... Its was hilarious....

.... So imagine if you will... Me all pretty and ready to have fun since the semester is over... We get there and the music is blasting and we get our stage because well, again, we are cool like that..... Soon enough there is a large enough crowd to go to the floor. Some guy who is nice and that I have danced with and that Lindz knows rather well decides to dance with me. At first everything is fine... Dancing was fine... I was having fun... Then his grip got a little to tight and his hands were exploring places that weren't meant to be found (that sounds worse than it was but his hands weren't polite)... I try to pull away and he grabs me and kisses me... I... Almost... Threw... Up...

He would have been fine if he would have just danced with me because I know that he is a really nice guy... I later found out that he was just really drunk... Which really doesn't make the situation any better... But we are cool... Its ok... I guess he knows that he crossed the line...

The night went on... It got better... But after that happened I kind of felt bad. I felt slightly horrible actually... I feel like I did something wrong... That maybe I shook my hips a lil to much or danced a little to close... But then I realized that that wasn't really was bothering me...

What was bothering me was... Well a couple things bothered me... It kind of opened my eyes that I think that even though in my heart I still care about Jeff I do think that since it has been awhile since we have been apart that they other day when he made all of those excused it just gave me closure to know that there is someone out there for me that's not him...

There was another thing that I thought about that made me feel sad...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Break Time!

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Yeah thats right! I am finished! The speech exam wasn't as hard as i thought it was going to be. So YA


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See! I told you! Apparently the purpose of the book is to make you a better lover on a more spirtual level. I think thats good. I think all men should go get this book! I found my Teach Yourself Photoshop at Half Priced Books for only $7, so maybe you'll find this there as well... probably more expensive... if not a lil roughed up. (its a used books store people!)

I am so excited that the semister is over. I am also excited to start the next one! I think these are my grades (hopefully!):

Foundations : A
Drawing: B
Speech: A
English: B

I might, and thats a large might, have an A in drawing... we will see... I know that i did good though!

Time to go home!

Forget Norway!

So the day has come. The last day of FINALS!!! I am so excited. See all i have to turn in is my foundations project, which i finished 2 days ago and then i have to actually take a test for speech... a speech final? Yeah i am confused to. I was bad and already sold back my speech book. I figure the test is going to be common sense. (i am a lil' nervous but i think i should be ok.)

I only have to be here at the lastest is 6pm which is crazy because i am normally here to at least 9pm.

Next semester is going to be rough but i am excited for my Intro to graphic design. I started reading "Teach Yourself Photoshop" so that i can know what the hell i am doing. *interesting note: I was looking at the list of other "teach yourself" books and there is one called "Teach yourself Tantric Sex!" I thought that was rather comical*

I can't wait for all my classes to be over! I need a break....

So i was thinking about getting something peirced... i think tattoos are tacky unless they stand for something and i doubt me putting "I heart art" on my arm will be cool. I don't know though. I don't have anything peirced and i am not sure if i can. I have HAD my ears peirced before its just that they always rejected any kind of metal i put through them. I was thinking i would look cute with my nose peirced but my friend Miranda says she doesn't think i would do it. I don't know... i kind of like my clean look i got going on.

Last night after i got off AIM and after i took my shower i just kept thinking about things. Like how i got to the place i am right now. I am kind of proud of my self for doing well in college and going all the time. When i went to UC i hated it. Although i do kind of miss my business peeps. I was thinking about how everything has changed so drastically this year. At the beginning of this year i was in a wonderful relationship and very much in love. Now i am not in a relationship and kind of miss somethings.

I miss the way he kissed me when no one was around. So passionate.. so soft...
I miss the way his strong hands felt against my soft skin... the warmth it brought... the safeness i felt...
I miss the way he towered over my small stature... protecting me...
I miss the way we would laugh and play...
They way he would look at me from across the room
The way he would ask if i was alright when other people were around me
I miss putting my head on his chest and hearing his heartbeat... that would eventually allow me to fall asleep in his arms...

I am sure i miss him. But i miss feeling this way more. I want to find someone that i can love and give myself to. I want someone i can shower my affections with. Sometime i hope to love again, soon.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I am the boss dammit!

So i went into work at 2 today. Which is earlier than normal. There are people coming back from college to work, Craig and Beth. Ironically both are extremely stubborn and think they are in charge when in reality they don't know what the hell they are doing and should really just listen to me so that i don't have to fix everything they do, dammit!!!

WHEW! Ok... i feel better now

I put all this crap in the computer today. It was annoying. But i go my favorite thing out of working so hard. Yes thats right... I got an L9. MMM! Nothing can come between me and my L9!

Tomorrow is my last day of finals and then i am finished! Yeah thats right! Christmas Break!

I want to have as much fun as possible and do something fun and new.... like learn photoshop? Well yes, but something even more wild than that! Like what you ask? well i dont know. We will see.

I just want 1 day off!

So this morning I was screening my calls like i do every morning. (For some reason a lot of telemarketers or stupid people call us) While i was screening my mother called and asked if i could do her a favor, which i have yet to do. And my worked called to see if i could come in early, which i have yet to let them know. I will eventually take my mom what she needs but i kind of needed to get my oil changed today... but i guess i could go into work early... ugh which would mean i would need to get ready now...

FINE PEOPLE! Take all my free time away! Gosh, i just wanted a day to sleep in and do nothing but apparently not!!!!

Yesterday when i came home all of my mom's friends were like "OMG!" (except they didn't say O-M-G they actaully said "Oh my gosh!"). So I was like "Great whats wrong with me now!" and then they were like "Your hair is so long and pretty!" I was like "Aww thanks". Then they asked if i wanted rueben dip and i was "Whats that?" They were like its has "Blah blah sourkraut" i was like "God god NO!" and walk away. It was pretty hilarious because they all started craking up laughing.

I stayed as fair away from them as i could. Luckly the food was good.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

You better watch out!!!

How You Will Make Your Millions by starsandrobots
Name
Favorite Color
Age
When2034
HowBeing a Hitman
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THAT'S RIGHT I AM GOING TO BE A HIT MAN! HOW FREAKING AWESOME!

Don't fall down stairs... its really hurts!

Today was the last day that i had to work on my project for Foundations. I think i pretty much did what i could with out killing myself.

...They are giving away free coffee in the library... hmmm...

Anyway... I don't know why but i don't really feel as bad as i thought i would about the whole Jeff thing. I don't know if its because there are other things to worry about. My sister has to go to the Doctor for a "minor" procedure... so i am a little worried even though they say that we shouldn't be.

My mother has been tormenting me about this party she is having and how i have to decorate that house because i am the only one that can. I did... its pretty!

Finals have been on my mind and what my grades are going to be. I am trying to get at least a 3.0 gpa because i think i can...

Finally i am worried about one of my fellow bloggers. Andrew. I talked to him yesterday... but not today... even though i am sure that he is ok and i doubt that he would do something stupid... i just feel worried for him. I hope that he is doing alright. That things are getting easier for him... a lil? maybe? please?

Well we can all hope...

So today while i was taking my books to resell them i fell down the steps... yes thats right... infront of all these people. Some asked if i was ok... most just looked and me and smiled... i was like "OOOUCH!" because i landed on my right hand and jammed one of my fingers. The knuckle has swollen to twice its normal size but has to discolortation of any sort. It hurts... but i know its just jammed... i can bend it and type with it... so its fine...

I get to go home to a huge gathering of people.... (does anyone mind if i just come there house... PLEASE!) I hate large groups of my parents "friends". Esspecially when they drink because they are so damn annoying. I am only going because its catered with FOOD! and i havent eaten anything except some hot chocolate this morning... oh and a granola bar but dude that was at like Noon!

I guess i'll get off here...

The real me

I am mean. Yes that's right. I am mean. I am not always the nicest person you'll ever meet.

I am picky about the people I consider my friends. I am picky because I decide to tell people things that should be held in confidence so I need to know that they are trust worthy.

I am Blunt. Extremely blunt. If you look retarded in the shirt that you are wearing or your hair is doing something odd on top of your head I will tell you straight out that you need to fix it. I know that it might sound rude but I only use my bluntness with people who I know can handle it and can see the good it does.

I am very very sarcastic. Its my humor. The way I make people laugh. I can be mean when being sarcastic but oh well...

I am also very calm. I am respectful. I know when to talk and when not to talk. I know when to listen and when not to listen (ha not to listen that's funny).

I love art. I am a linear thinker and I am beginning to believe that its a good thing for me.

I am OCD about time. I can not be late. If I am late I won't show up. (unless its something really important like a funeral or a final)

I am messy. I don't like cleaning very much. I know where everything is and that's the way I like it.

On the other hand. I am extremely organized with my art and how I make it look. Its all about craftsmanship.

I am "down to earth". I don't talk about things no one knows about. I do welcome all to talk openly. I hate it when people are scared to talk. There is a difference of not talking and knowing its not a time to talk. I think that everyone does have a "cool" bone in there body just itching to get out.

I don't eat beef. I love chicken though. I just think those darn cows are so cute...
which means I migh get the bird flu... hmm

I like things most girls don't. Like video games and cars.

But I am also very girlie in the fact that my hair has to be done just so and my make up (if I wear it) can only be done by me.

I dress preppie but my sister says I dress preppie/alternative. She says I have a very unique style. However I am very comfortable in a Haines black t-shirt.

Traveling is very fun but I do have an extreme fear of flying. However my family flys a lot so I just get over it by taking a Xanex. Yes that's right I get to take controlled substances while flying!

I am extremely passionate about a lot of things.

I consider myself the black sheep in my immediate family.

Monday, December 12, 2005

It's Over...

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... For me at least. I am not trying anymore with Jeff. I was shopping last night and i was near his area so i called while i was shopping to see if he wanted to hang out and he gave me one excuse after the other...

"I am playing a game"

"Its kind of late" (It was 9 p.m.)

"I am not dressed"

So i hung up the phone, cried, then pulled out of the parking lot and went home. I went from being extremely sad to extremely pissed. I haven't cried like i did that night over Jeff since the night we broke up. I just know that it means that its most likely the end. I refuse to put myself out there is he is going to act like this. I want to salvage a friendship but i guess when he said that he wanted one too he was just trying to be nice.

I feel defeated. I hate that i am just giving up. But i can't continue to put myself out there just so that he can stomp all over it. I deserve to be treated better, at least i think that i do. He did say we would "talk later" but honestly if we do talk he is going to have to intiate all of it. I am the one now who calls or talks or tries so damn hard to make this work and he is acting like he is the coolest thing since spam!! It makes me so freaking angry... After i hung up that phone i wanted to call back and yell at him. I wish i would have said something to make him realize how he hurt me. But i didn't. I might email him one last time or i might just never talk to him again. For me ITS OVER... I want someone who loves me as much as i love him... I want someone who sees me the way i see him... I want to laugh and be myself around him...

Andrew: We are certainly going to have to have a talk. Apparently yesterday was a bad day for both of us. (ALSO EVERYONE NEEDS TO WISH ANDREW GOOD LUCK ON HIS FIRST DAY OF HIS NEW JOB!!!) I am here for you Andy...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

"Its a giving thing...."

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Even though i am not feeling 100% yet i really need to finish my christmas shopping because i have finals this week and i want to make a gingerbread house for our dining table... i have never made one and i think i need to have a project. I am also going to get books on photoshop because i am going to learn how to do that over the break.

Jeff hasn't contacted me about seeing each other but i think he should. I don't think that i should ask him again until some time has passed. Its his turn. He should be a man and just ask me to hang out and get it over with.

Well i should really go get ready... more later..

Friday, December 09, 2005

This is Rediculous!

So last night i did it. I called Jeff and left a message on his voicemail asking him if he wanted to hang out this weekend sometime and just let me know.

I figured it could go one of TWO ways. He would say yes and we would do something. He would say no and i would never talk to him again.

This is what he said: "I can't do anything this weeked because I am going to be out of town. :/ sorry."

Now i am back where i Freaking started! I know what you said Andrew that i should ask him. But what now. I am thinking that when he comes back that he should see if I want to do something because its kind of his turn. If he doesn't am I suppose to ask again?

I am sick. My head feels like its on fire. My throat feels like its on fire. My Nose feels like its on fire. I probably look like a big red pale dead person! THATS ON FIRE... and i dont even get to finally know if i am going to see Jeff. This is rediculous.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Finals

I have 2 finals today. I have yet to talk to Jeff about seeing each other first because i had a lot of homework to do last night so i was busy and second because i don't plan on seeing him till either friday or sunday because thats when i can and he doesn't make plans that far in advanced because he is a guy... he was that way when we were together.

Now i have to go to school and finish my paper that i should have finished yesterday...

We are suppose to get snow tonight!!! Hopefully not before i make it home though!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Worried

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I need to just get it over with and go see Jeff.

I am nervous.

I should makes plans with him.

I hope he says yes.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

In my head

So the speech actaully went ok today. I am "suppose" to be working on my art work right now but i just had 3 hours of drawing class and i need a lil break. Thursday i have my final drawing due and a paper in english. This morning i was going to go see my english prof. but i slept in instead because i didn't go to bed until 2 am. Lately i haven't been able to fall asleep early.

I guess i just keep thinking about things...

Ok all my attention is on my AIM right now... its hard for me to concentrate on more than one thing right now OK?????!!!!'

Lindz just made me cry. Her boyfriend is freaking awesome and it just reminded me of the days when I was with Jeff and he was freaking awesome.

GOD DAMN IT.

I hate this so much. I mean GOOD LORD! I know there is nothing in my power to change the situation between me and jeff. Being together is obviously a mutual thing. But i just wanna see him and then see how i feel. LIke maybe i will be like "Psh! What the hell!" but i doubt it because when i look at picture i cry and when i talk to him i am so nervous i shake uncontrolably. I was thinking that tonight would have been a good night to go and see him so i got online to see and he is away and i am NOT about it call him.

You know when your whole body starts to vibrate due to the fact that you want to do something so badly? I have that feeling right now. I just know that it will be bad if i did call him so i know i shouldn't.

I also have this impulse to just call him and be like " I am coming to see you right now so you better be home!"

But that could totally back fire..... like him NOT being home. HAA! I am just amusing myself now.

"In my head, Your voice, you've got all that i need, and this make believe with get me through another lonely night." Anna Nalick

I was listening to this CD on the way to school. I used to listen to this song all the time. I did a random pick for my CD this morning and since i live so far away from school i was able to listen to most of the CD. This song i actually listen to twice. Its like what i do. The comfort i feel when thinking about Jeff makes me able to go on in life. It also makes me cry because he isn't exactly there anymore.


*cries* I just want to see him. But on mutual terms. And i want there to be snow falling. and him to tell me he misses me...... see.... its mearly a dream
You know what else bothers me. My partner is probably sitting in his room farting and eating something while I am scurrying around trying to fix things and ALSO doing my hair and Looking for shoes that don't exist. I have to do my make up and iron my pants. He will probably just throw something on and AND GAHHHH!

I did find shoes actually... My feet are going to hurt after 13 hours in these things... (don't worry I packed a change of clothes. Smart cookie)

Are you kidding me!?

I just checked my email. Ans my PARTNER for my speech just decided to tell me that he asked the teacher if we could go first because he has to leave class early!!! We were suppose to go last which was good because I still have NO IDEA what he wants to say since he made me do the powerpoint and then dissed it... I didn't change anything on it because I worked damn hard on it. Good thing I am awake now. I didn't have English this morning so I slept in and now I have to rush around and make sure everything is ok with the speech. DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM!!!!

P.S. I have no shoes to wear with my outfit.... OH WELL

Monday, December 05, 2005

Today

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I miss Jeffrey

I have alot (massive) of homework to do

I have to work today

My car isn't getting fixed till after finals

I have finals this week

I have to give a speech tomorrow (with a partner, who dissed my powerpoint presentation after i worked on it for 3 hrs and i have to say it looks awesome!)

I have to dress up tomorrow (speech) which means i have to wear heals.

I have to do the dishes....

Sunday, December 04, 2005

No more parties! Please!

I have to go to my works X-Mas party today. Last night was my sister's 21st Birthday party. I am not much of a drinker. I barely ever drink more than 2 drinks. For some reason last night was an exception. I drank so much.... oh don't worry I am feeling it.

I talked to Jeff online last night for the first time while he was in town. It wasn't anything awesome. It was a very basic "How are you Doing?" conversation. I always feel like the convo is fake when we act like we are best friends. Its so easy for us to talk and laugh about things and i still feel like it doesn't make sense to do that because i am harboring such deep feelings for him. Last night I already had plans. He wasn't aloud to leave his house because it was freezing rain (god that makes him sound like he is young, his parent's are EXTREMELY protective). I told him that I had to go just to keep the upper hand in the convo. He wanted to know when i was finished with finals so i told him. I don't know if that means he was just waiting until school calmed down. It would probably be best since i am kind of busy and need to focus.

Well i really need to go get ready for that party. Ugh!

Friday, December 02, 2005

Thinking...

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I have this picture hanging in my room. One because I love Liechtenstein as an artist and two because I found the print when I was in Chicago and it reminded me of of what I though it would look like when Jeff came back and we got together for the first time. He has been home for about a week and a half and we have yet to see each other. He has been around too. Eric, his best friend, lives like 1 minute from my house. So its weird. He is having lunch with one of our good friends today, Angie. She is pretty much the only one I talk to about how I am feeling with the situation between us.

I think mostly I am confused. I feel fine. I am not thinking about it as much but at times I get really sad. I still can't think about dating anyone else. I have tried to talk with new guys but I just start feeling uncomfortable and I feel like I am doing something I shouldn't.

I have noticed lately I will zone out and catch myself thinking about us. Things that we did. How he use to look at me. How he really did care but I was so naive to see it. How much he did love me and how much I loved him. I think of things that I wanted to do with him. Spend thanksgiving together and Christmas. It hurts. I miss him but I can't keep thinking that he is going to change his mind. The hope just continually breaks my heart over and over again. I think by making myself so busy its keeping my from facing him. I and everyone that I know keeps telling me that I should not call him. I think that I am sure if he called me asking to see me it would go more the way that I wanted. But I am starting to think that maybe I need to just get it over with so that I can move on. I am not sure. I'll probably wait awhile before making a decision about that. I want to keep some pride.

Over all school is crazy. I have so much stuff to do. Tonight me and the girls are going out. Tomorrow I work all day that then my sister Bday party is at my cousin's all night. Sunday I have a X Mac party for work and then I am going to NKU to work on my final project.

*sigh* I wish he could just see me like he used to.

Our Place




It feels like yesterday, us sitting down by the tree that had twinkle lites in it. Our friends sporadically placed on the bench. I can see him looking for me across the crowd, when he sees me he smiles and it makes my whole body tingle. He sits right next to me as we share out lemon sorbet, an eclectic taste that we both shared. We would venture to the view of the river and I realized there was something in him I needed and loved. The passion we shared. It's the place we asked questions about each other. We were surrounded by friends and strangers but could only see each other. Its a place scurrying with tweens and movie goers. A place were goths and bookworms come together. Its our place. The place were we really first met one another and became more than just acquaintances. I'll never forget the place were we came to never forget each other. It will always be with me. And when I go there I will think of him, of us and one day when its not to hard, I will smile and I will be happy just being at the levee and thinking of him.