Friday, August 31, 2007

Born For This

So I have been sick for the past 3 days. Yesterday it got so bad that I had to go to the emergency room for 5 hours. It sucked so freaking much. I am honestly not really feeling that much better but I am so sick of being sick that I am just going to act like I am fine. Emergency rooms are so disgusting and so not private! I was right nest to a lady who kept coughing and blowing her nose and puking. There was a thin see through curtain that didn't even cover the whole room. The only good part about the whole experience was the cute cute Cute! nurse guy that took my blood. He had to be around my age. He was nice and so hot. Which is his job but whatever I will take when he said " Good luck to you. I hope you get better." As flirting. I NEED SOMETHING! My life sucks right now... SO THERE!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Ya get what ya need! Oh yeah!

I went to work this morning feeling like crap. I asked if I could leave because I really felt ill. So they let me and I went to the doctor and he said that I have a stomach virus. I am on meds now but I still feel horrible.

I don't know if it's all the time on my hands today since all I have done is sleep and lay around or because I am just having a bad day, but I miss boy so much it hurts. When ever I think of him tears well up in my eyes. I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. It sucks because it's not like he is calling me either. I guess he can just go on and not care. I am trying to do what I think is right but I want to talk to him so bad. I am afraid to call him because it would make me feel bad if he didn't answer or if he answered and was having fun and there were girls in the background. That's why I won't go to his shows either. I want to hug him and kiss him. I want him to realize why all of this happened in the first place.

I guess you really can't always get what you want. But hopefully I will get what I need soon, so that I feel bad.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The camera is lying....

The post below is, obliviously, from 8/13 but my laptop is having some problems so I couldn't post it till now. I think that I have managed quite well with my plan. Boy and I saw each other once since then and I haven't talk to him since that day. It sucks don't get me wrong. But I have managed to keep myself occupied. School has started and its a bitch. But I am liking what I am doing. I think about calling him a lot but not as much as I thought that I would. Which makes it easier for me not to.

I think something is wrong with me. Over the summer I had a lot of test done. But nothing showed and I felt like I could just deal, but I can't. The pain is intense and I really just want it to go away.

Oldie but a Goodie!

08/13/07

Lately I have been feeling horrible. I have actually kept a lot of the feelings to myself this time where as in the past I have just been so over emotional and basically wore my heart on my sleeve. I feel like I have no one real in my life. Nothing that is completely constant. Kevin was my constant until now where it has become to hard to talk to him. I ALWAYS get upset every single time I talk to him. I try my damnedest not to. But I can not help it. So I have decided that I am going to work toward goals that will help me get my mind off of it all. I think that maybe if I indulge myself into something that I can be proud of in the end, that I have total control over that I will be happy with whatever the result is. I have decided to stay single and throw myself into work and school completely. I have a full work load this semester and even though I only go 3 days a week the classes that I have a mass hard. Its getting to the point in my life where I need to buckle down and be like, " I am in college for a reason!" I feel like even though I am not the worst at what I do I am not the best either and this is where it counts. I need to be the best. My field of choice is extremely competitive. I want to be 21 and have fun and be able to do everything but I want to also have my priorities straight. I know that I have been in some sort of relationship for the past 3 to 4 years. I need a break. I need to do well. If I find that I have time on my hands maybe I will get another job some where. Like a boutique or something. I want to live my dream and become the person that I see that I am in my head. I don't want to continue to look back and be like "damn why didn't I do that". When I was thinking it all along. I want to write down everything that I think of to do and try and make it work.. I don't want to be lazy anymore. I want to loose weight. I want to dress that way I want to dress. I want to do what I want to do. I want to buy what I want to buy. I want to design what I want to design. I hate that in this world we are so judgmental of everything. Of things that everyone does. Sometimes I wish that we were more open to things. I want to continue to paint. I want to continue to expand my knowledge on things that might be interesting to just me. I want to tear out every single thing in a magazine that I love and tack it to my walls. I want to know that I can be alone and be fine... I really want the feeling of needing him to go away. I broke up with him.

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to makes plans for myself everyday, ahead of time. So I always have something to do. So that maybe I can feel better.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Venting!

I am so pissed off. Yesterday boy had a concert and even though we aren't together anymore he always calls everyone to come. But did I get a call yesterday? Nope! Apparently he didn't care if I was there or not. He is the one that wants to be friends so fucking bad but yet NOTHING! Whatever! I am so frustrated with everything. School is horrid. Its so overwhelming. Then work is so stressful right now. I feel like I could fall over. I am so tired. I am sick. My chest feels like it could cave in on itself.

I haven't talk to boy in over a week. I don't want to be the one that calls him. I can do that only because I am so busy. I want to go out with all of my friends (girls) and drink and have fun and not have to worry about anything. Just have fun. I can't continue to worry about what he is doing or who he is doing or what. It just makes me so upset.

I am just so uncertain about everything and I hate it so much! :(

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

People suck!

I have a post sitting on my laptop but its not working right now so in the mean time....

People suck. I have helped 3 people today out of the kindness of my heart and all I get in return is CRAP. This is why I won't be nice to people.

Today is the first day of my classes and something has got to give. I don't know if I can handle all of these classes.

People are just full of themselves!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Frustrated

So I went out tonight with Lindz. I am glad that I did something but as soon as I walked in the door I thought about the boy. It's when I am alone that I can't let go. It wasn't that bad tonight until one of the guys that I have kissed in the past brought a girl and was making out with he the whole time. It was awkward but I understood since I know that this guy and I aren't going to do anything ever again, probably. It didn't bother me that he was kissing a girl, it was just weird that they did it in front of everyone. It was a lil odd. Tomorrow I have to go to a wedding and do makeup and hair. I am happy to go but I wish that I didn't have to go so early. At least I will be busy for most of the day.

Things I need to do:

1. Iron dress.
2. Do hair and makeup.
3. Change purse.
4. pack flat iron and makeup.
5. Get a gift of some sort.
6. Pick up Lindz.
7. uh eat?

I am just aggravated hard core about everything. I miss talking to Kevin and this time because he always let me vent about crap. I don't want to call him and bitch, even though I know he would listen, because I don't want him to get the wrong impression that I am fine yet. I don't know! GOD! ahhhh! Anyway..

My head is pounding so I am going to get go to bed...

Break...

HOLY CRAP! IN LIKE 2 AND HALF DAYS I WILL BE GETTING READY TO FLY TO NEW YORK!!!!

I am really excited about it.

About the boy: Well we had come to a conclusion that we were going to be friends and what not since we were hanging out and it was ok. But he kept calling me and stuff just like when we dated and I didn't understand, it was just confusing for me. So i asked him about it and we got in a huge fight where I was telling him to shut up and he was like I am not talking to you. So I just hung up. I felt horrible so I called and left a message on his cell phone saying I was sorry for being mean and that it was out of character but I think I need time to transition from girlfriend to friend. And that maybe we can talk when I get back from new york. He called me back when I was at work and he was like it's ok. We will talk when you get back or whatever.

I am kind of hoping that I won't want to talk to him when I get back. But we will see.

I am on vacation this whole week! I am so excited to because I need a break.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

So I will be leaving in a week to go to New York City!!!

Don't be fooled by those exclamation points they are merely there to show intensity not that I am happy.I mean I am happy about going but I feel so blah still. Like its weird. I am normal. I haven't cried about it or anything. I understand the whole situation. I get it. But I feel weird. He was my best friend. I talked to him every day and now he isn't there anymore. What am I suppose to do? Just suck it up and talk to him about other things even though I would get upset. I just don't feel right. I think that I have made a personal goal for myself.

I will try to attempt to either get over him by going to new york and working and going back to school all before his next show which isn't till August 23. I figure I can either go to the show still liking him, go to the show just for support of his music but be over him and not care if he macks on other chicks, or not go to the show at all because I don't want to see him mack on other chicks or not go because I am just to busy with other things and I don't need him. I don't even know which one sounds the most desirable out of those options.

I know what all of you bloggers are thinking. That I only use this blog when I have relationship problems. And you are correct. But it helps to vent to somethings that either can leave an insightful comment or say nothing so that I can make my mind up myself. I am easily attempted to take my friends advice because they know me. I am not so easy to take that of people I don't know. But sometimes they are the ones who see the big picture. Because they have no part in it.

I don't know what I am yabbering on about.

Tomorrow is my last day of painting class. I am so happy. I totally did my last painting in like an hour and t totally resembles that. I am so freaking sick of the class I just want out!